Sunday, December 29, 2013

Feeding Squirrels or Why Provo Girls Are Passive In Dating

A male reader sent me an email a few weeks ago that I included below (selectively edited to make it more succinct and more in line with the points I want to make):

I am currently a student in Provo, and I am very active in my dating life. I go on about 3 (dates) a week ........This is NOT easy......... I am from California, and the girls act different over there. What I don't understand is why women (here) don't ever have the guts to approach guys first. Why do I have to be the one to initiate every conversation? Are they that insecure about themselves that they couldn't handle the rejection?........ I'm just getting gassed out.......It's almost like very girl around here has decided that destiny says that Eternal Prince Charming is going to find them, talk to them, get their number, text them first, call them first, make all the dating plans, and then pay for it, and there is nothing that they are ever going to have to do in order to make it happen...
Sick of Mormon Girls
Oh ladies I have one word for you: BURN!!!!

Just kidding. Chill out, CHILLLL OUT!!! The social timidity of girls in Provo is easily explained, Mr. SickofMomornGirls almost answers his own question in the email. Before we go there though, I have to admit, the idea of hot girls coming up to me and getting my number (more that they already do) does sound pretty amazing. Almost as amazing as whatever this Korean guy is about to eat:

Epic Korean man loves his food animated gif

Mmmmmm Korean food. Anyways, why don't Provo girls ever take the initiative in all this stuff? Because as Mr.SickofMomogirls points out, initiating all that stuff "is NOT easy". Plus Mr.SOMG and thousands of other boys in Provo are very active in their dating lives and doing all the initiating (which of course is just following orders we hear at every dating fireside).

You see, girls like squirrels. I mean, girls are like squirrels.  If you start feeding a squirrel nuts, its not going to bother getting its own nuts. Because gathering nuts is no walk in the park (did you know the reason parks are full of squirrels is because it was fashionable in the 1800's to stock parks with squirrels for entertainment purposes? Bust out that nugget on your next date) So these squirrels/girls lose their ability to to gather their own nuts and we are enabling them! Its un-democratic!

There it Is

In summary, initiating all the dating stuff is hard and because there are scores of boys willing to initiate everything for girls, they have little incentive to initiate anything themselves. Generally the only reason girls would aggressively initiate anything is if they are desperate, but of course if Mr. Somg is anything like me, he is not after these desperate ones. He wants the girls that are already getting asked out fairly often (the fed squirrels). The girls not getting asked on dates are also less likely to get a positive result from their aggression. Which of course leads them to believe that aggression is a bad idea.

So either a girl gets asked on plenty dates and doesn't need to do the initiating, or she doesn't get asked out much and is under the impression that aggressive initiating doesn't work.

Mr. Sick of Mormon Girls, don't look now, but it appears you are up a creek. In related news, I have a Swedish friend who is a total knockout (way to reinforce stereotypes right?) and she says that in Sweden the girls are the aggressors. So there's that.

Sunday, December 15, 2013

Dating Skills: Questions

A common piece of dating advice goes like this: When you are on a date, make sure you ask the other person a good amount of questions. No one likes a person that only talks about themselves, but everyone likes a person who is interested in them. If you are asking someone questions, you are expressing your interest in them. A good question will make your date feel good about themselves and you, not to mention keep the conversation flowing smoothly. Get it? Asking questions = Great Dater. It's that simple.
Personally I learned this lesson early on and have over the years developed a list of go-to first date questions that are guaranteed to make sparks fly and flies spark. Some of my best questions:

  • "Why is blue?"

  • "How many children do you want and when do you want them? Like do you want to wait, or are you ready to start having them right away? cuz I really want to start a family right away you know?"

  • "Is it just me or was that girl who just walked by smoking hot?"

  • "Would you rather eat a dead baby, or hit a live one?"

  • "Are STDs a dealbreaker for you? I mean if they are already mostly treated and are barely noticeable? Just hypothetically speaking of course hahah...haha"

Conversation gold right there. GOLD I TELL YOU!
Some people have not mastered the fine art of The Question. For example, this weekend I went to a show with this cute little thing. This girl (who admittedly is on the young side) is now known in my apartment as the Inquisitor. I have never been asked so many questions on a date. She was relentless. It was all the standard questions, but it was ALL the standard questions, in rapid fire. It made the conversation pretty painful. At the same time, I could tell she is a super shy girl that was just nervous (and who could blame her considering my status as a Hottie McHotterson). Of course that just made the whole thing cute (I'm not exactly sure why).
So it looks like I'm gonna have to give the Inquisitor another shot.

Sunday, December 8, 2013

5 Stages of Ward Optimism

There are 5 stages to my ward optimism. And when I say ward optimism I mean how optimistic I am that I will find some lovin in my ward, if you know what I mean. Over time my view on the dating prospects in my ward change, as depicted in the chart below:

Stage 1 "The honeymoon": Optimism is at an all time high. Plenty of attractive girls to go around. Really with this many cute girls, there is no way I don't connect with at least one lass (which luckily is all one needs this century of the church). Give me enough at-bats and I'll hit a home run. Also prominent at this stage is the "novelty" effect, all the girls are new to me and so they actually seem more cute, plus they still have that new girl smell!
Monty Python

Stage 2 "The its-actually-a-lot-worse-than-I-thought-it-was": Slowly (and by that I mean usually within a few hours) the optimism starts to fade. Why? Because I find out this cute girl has a boyfriend, that cute girl is actually pretty freaking annoying, another cute girl actually has gnarly teeth that I just can't get over, and so on. Soon the whole "Plenty of attractive girls to go around" turns into "there is 1 truly attractive truly single girl left and 20 guys are making a run at her".
Reaction GIF: disappointed, Donovan McNabb

Stage 3 "All Is Lost": Things are looking pretty bleak. All the girls I was initially interested in are either taken or no longer interesting. I start to write off the ward and stop trying to find girls in the ward to date.

Stage 4 "On Second Thought": At this point I get a little desperate and start giving some girls a second look. And you know what? Ms.Gnarly teeth's gnarly teeth are starting to grow on me a little bit. The girl I thought was crazy is getting a little endearing now. Boredom and loneliness have an amazing ability to lower standards enough to refill the dating pool! Yay!?
Reaction GIF: agreeing, not bad 

Stage 5 "Screw it, I'm out of here" : All time low. This is where its close to the end of semester/year/whatever and I am leaving the ward/city anyways so I just give up on everything. No hope remains. Its useless to date with only 2 weeks left! I need at least 3 to know if she's The One!

Reaction GIF: fuck this shit 

I  think I am entering Stage 4 right now, which is actually mildly exciting.

Sunday, December 1, 2013

Nice Guys Finish Last (Or Do They?.....Yes They Do)

Something I've struggled with in college how to treat girls. I know how they want to be treated, and I know how they deserve to be treated. And it turns out those are two completely different things. 

When I was in 7th grade I had my first-too-legit-to-quit puppy love crush on a girl. Naturally I wanted the girl to like me and in my simple young mind I hatched a plan. I would be super nice to this girl and then she would like me. It all made so much sense, why does anyone like anybody else? Because that person is nice to them right?

If Bob is nice to me, compliments me, shares his snack pack with me and all that jazz, I’m going like Bob. I’m cool with Bob. That Bob guy is alright with me. So If I like Suzy, I just have to be super nice to her. Super logical right? Yes.

The problem my young mind did not comprehend, was that this was romance, and it had its own set of logic. Yeah Suzy liked me for sharing my snack pack with her, but not quite in the way I had hoped. Thus came to pass the first friendzoning of my life.

I have since learned that girls do not want to be treated super nicely. They want their minds to get mixed up. Horrible I know. Trust me, it pains me every time I have to do the mixing, but it pains me even more when I see my fellow man still in the simplistic and totally ineffective do-anything-to-please-the-girl mode.  

Basically it comes to down to value. We have a really hard time valuing ourselves, and so we use other people to do it for us. Very much like that game where you have cards on your forehead and you have to ask other people questions to figure out who you are. This clip will refresh your memory:

We take cues from other people as to what our value is. In dating, if someone is too nice or too easy (i.e guy tries too hard or girl gives it up to soon (“it” just being just kissing in mormon world of course, get your mind out of the gutter!), then we instinctively know that we could do better. It’s like deep down we think, “I don’t know what my value is, but I sure as heck know it’s higher than poor sap’s”. Likewise we sometimes we think someone is out of our league (or more valuable than us) because of cues we take from them or other people.

In dating the sweet spot is somewhere in the middle. Imagine a doctor’s scale (if you will allow me to mix metaphors here for a second). When there is too much weight, the pointer drops down. When there isn’t enough weight, the pointer shoots up. But when it’s right around the true value, its bobs up and down for a second before finally resting on correct number.

That bobbing up and down is key.  To translate that “bobbing” to dating, that’s thinking everything is great, then doubting yourself. That’s having a great date with someone you’re interested in, then seeing him/her flirt with other girls/guys. That’s waiting forever for that person to text, and then finally getting a flirty text in response. Those highs and lows, the near misses and miraculous wins, we get off on that crap. It’s addicting and deep down it makes us like someone the way little Suzy never liked me (the tramp, haha no really she’s a sweet girl who has a third kid on the way by now). 

Having to work for it and sweat it out at times makes us think that we are at the right value, like we earned it.  Everything is in balance.

Of course, just like the scale eventually has to settle, relationships in the long run have to settle for things to work out. I don’t think people would tolerate the bobbing forever, at some point there has to be some confidence and comfort. But in the short run….there needs to be some bobbing up and down to keep people interested. Nice guys are horrible at bobbing.

Sunday, November 24, 2013

Why I Like Having Female Friends, But Can't Have Them

I really cherish my female friends. Especially right now while I am single. There are some great things about a girl's company that I don’t get in my largely male dominated major, job, and apartment. Specifically there are two reasons why I love to talking to girls:

  • Very different perspective on things. Honestly this blog is called the MALE mormon mind, but I find the female mind fascinating.
  • Empathy and caring you just don't get from dudes. I could certainly share my vulnerabilities and insecurities (I actually have no vulnerabilities or insecurities, so this is more of a hypothetical situation) with my bronies, but my bronies would at very least be weirded out and would be very likely to laugh at me. And that's fine. Whereas girls seem to love a well-placed confession of vulnerability (not that I would know cuz I've never had any such thing to confess).

Despite all the value I place on having lady friends, I have almost zero close lady friends. Why? I blame my rugged good looks and charm.....But really I do. I have a bad habit of making all my female friends fall violently in love with me. It’s horrible. I had put my foot down and stop having close females friends. It was all I could do to protect them from my awesomeness. It is a sad sacrifice, but I had to do it.

I'm only like 90% kidding; it really is a problem for me at BYU. No one is content with being friends here. Heck I wouldn't be content with being just friends. Everyone has probably already seen that video made by the USU peeps, and the BYU semi parody, but ever since high school, I've had the theory that it is impossible for people of the opposite sex to be super close friends and just friends where both parties are content not wanting anything more, with a few exceptions:

  1. If one or both are gay
  2. If you are related
  3. If someone is already taken (e.g. my sister-in-law, or my friend's girlfriend)
  4. If there is a large enough age gap
  5. If there is some other thing that excludes them from romantic consideration.
  6. If both people think the other is extremely ugly, and I mean butt-ugly.

In almost any other case, you might get away with it for a while, but eventually feeling always develop and bam! You're in Sucksforeveryoneville.

Currently my best lady friend is not LDS and it kind of has to be that way. Even though she is gorgeous, brilliant, and one of the coolest people I know, the fact that we have the major religion gap excludes us from each other’s dating pools. Besides that, it’s pretty much just the girlfriends of roommates and the wives of ex-roommates (who are awesome of course) to get me by. Kind of sad, but necessary.

Speaking of sad there is this video below. It’s a sad song with an adorable video. It has almost nothing to do with this post, but the lunch box the guy has at the 1:24 mark is dope.

Sunday, November 17, 2013

Making Eyes

When I was a freshman, my friends and I had a game, the "staring game". Basically whenever we were at an event in a big group of strangers (concert, football game, etc) we would try to start staring contests with random cute girls. It literally was just picking a cute girl and looking at her until she looked at you, and then NOT LOOKING AWAY. And it was great. They would always look away quickly at first, but they also would always come back for a second look. And guess what? I was there waiting for them, holding my gaze. As creepy as the game seems, it was astounding how effective it was.

I no longer play the "staring game", but I do (as everyone does) get into some staring situations. There is the whole getting caught staring at your crush and then acting like you totally were not staring at them situation:

Then there is the accidentally staring at someone and then worrying that they think you are crushing on them when you totally were not. For example, today I was in church and I accidentally made eye contact with a girl. It was even a cute girl (she has these tired eyes like she's constantly about to fall asleep and I think its hot, you know what I mean? I feel like you don't, but I thats alright). At the same time though, I have no plans to make a move on Droopy Eyes and therefore do not want her to think anything (anything at all, no thoughts, brain dead). We both quickly look away.

Now I knew from my younger years that she will look my way again. They always do, it is impossible not to check and see if someone who you think is staring at you, is still staring at you (especially when that someone has one of those faces, and I have one of those faces). So there I was, sitting there thinking to myself "Do not look at Droopy Eyes. Do not look at Droopy Eyes. She will look back at you and when she does you can not be looking at her". And I was doing so good, I really was. But in a moment of weakness I stole a quick glance at her, and at that exact second she decided to look back and we locked peepers again.

At this point I am trying so hard to not look at her that I am more or less constantly looking at her. I swear we lock eyes another 4 times before the closing prayer. It was terrible. A vicious cycle that just wouldn't stop. She probably thinks I want have droopy eyed babies with her! But I don't, and now I'm never going to talk to her again.

Sunday, November 10, 2013

Mistaken As A Boy's Girlfriend's Boyfriend

So just to set the stage, I was just walking through the Wilk, minding my own business and out of the corner of my eye, I see a guy pointing at me. But not recognizing him, I am pretty sure he is not actually pointing at me. I do one of those quick look-arounds to see who he was pointing at, but there is no one around. Looking back at him, I realize he is in fact pointing at me. Now I don't get pointed at very often so I wasn't sure what to do next. 
Eventually I decide to approach him slowly. He meanwhile gets up from his table and uh....walks toward me. I hesitate to say walk cuz he is in like full on flex mode as he moves his body toward me. Almost exactly like this picture, only with more clothing. So naturally I start flexing back thinking this is some mating ritual.

  As I get right up to him, I suddenly recognize him from a party I went to months ago. He remembers my name and I don't remember his (how embarrassing). Our dialogue:

He says, "You're that one smart guy at the party" (I swear he said that haha)
Me: "Maybe?"
Muscle Man McGee: "When are you done with the ---------- program"
Me:"Uh I graduate this year"
Muscles: "Cool man, you remember that dance party man? That was fun huh?"
Me: "Yeah that was fun"
Muscles: "Hey were you dating Opera at that party?"
Myself: "Oh no, I don't even know if we had gone on a date at that point..."
Muscles:"Oh I thought you guys were dating"
I:"Nope, I was just in her ward. We only ever went on like 1 real date."
Muscles: "You guys keep in touch?"
Me"Uhhh not really"

So I might have been a little misleading with the guy because 1) I certainly had more of a relationship with girl than I was letting on (although we def did not date) and 2) I have been writing her (somewhat). I was hoping that after he found out that I was not a threat he would stop flexing (no dice), I swear that kid was going to pop a blood vessel.

Muscles: "Yeah I thought she was dating me and dating you at the same time and that made me mad." (looking back he was surprisingly nice to me at the party considering he thought I was his girlfriend's boyfriend)
Me: "Nope"
Muscles: "Yeah I was really into her, but she wasn't into me. The first time I asked to her out she turned me down flat...."

At this time a random professor walks by and Muscles stops in mid sentence, tells me, "Don't go anywhere"(its like he knew that I totally would have left had he not specifically instructed me not to do so) and talks to this professor for 10 minutes about their D&C class while I stand there. My favorite part was when they finished the conversation and the professor does this to me:
I kid you not, the professor lifted his hand up in a freaking claw. Not in a "high-five" or "fist-bump" configuration, but in some freaky-deaky half way thing. What the heck do you do in response to a claw? Riddle me that. Well being the true bro that I am, I was not about to leave him hanging, so I do a quick mini high-five to his palm, avoiding his curled fingers all together. He accepted my response, turned and left without saying another word. Highlight of my day, although now in hindsight I kinda wish I had interlocked fingers with him.

And with that Muscles continues on about how Opera contacted him after she broke up with her fiance, and how it took her so long to respond to his text, and how he had a system where every five days he would call or text her and how after 2 weeks she finally called him back (the system works!). On the first date he thinks he could have kissed her and he wanted to kiss her (been there, done that), but he didn't cuz he was confused. The dance party was after that and that was going to be the make or break for him (although apparently not). But because he thought Opera were dating me and snubbing him, he decided not to talk to her again. (Whew! This is a lot of unsolicited info from a complete stranger (and rival to boot!))

He went on to tell me about his love of opera (the music, the not the girl) and about the horrible achne on his back. It was really a great conversation for everyone involved. No wait on second thought, it was the weirdest freaking conversation of my life.

Sunday, November 3, 2013

Dating For The Sake Of Dating

Things have been crazy lately people. Between school, work and everything else I've been doing to make sure I'm rich and successful for the rest of my life, I have not had a lot of time for anything else.

One of the things that have fallen by the wayside is my dating life. Whenever I haven't been on a date for a week or two I start to get anxious. I feel like if I am not going on a date every week then I am not trying hard enough. I wonder why I feel like this. Like why in the world would a single guy at BYU feel like he needs to ask out a girl every week? Its not like I am told constantly that I need to date more and that its my fault if I am not married, and that I am pretty much sinning when I am not dating. No, that would be crazy.

Sooo yeah, I really do feel bad if I am not active on the dating scene. What inevitably happens is I go on a date for the sake of going on date, to assauge my guilt. The problem is, these dates are always horrible. I always ask girls I am not super interested in, and then I subconsiously resent the fact that I am being "forced" to go on the date and become even less interested in the girl. By the time the day of the date comes around, I am dreading the whole thing. No bueno. That not productive for me or the poor girl.

I refuse to do any more dating for the sake of dating! All those dating firesides be danged! Only dating for the sake of wanting to spend time with a girl I am interested in. Or maybe for the sake of the occasional hook-up. Just kidding. But really, a man has needs. But not this man. Most of the time. We'll see.

Confession: I think my current dating slump is partially due to Opera. It seems like I miss her more than I anticipated. Actually I am not even sure if I miss her. I just really liked talking to her, and all the girls I've talked to since she left have all been blahhh. Does that mean I miss her? Does this mean I'm hung up on a sister missionary of all people? Because I liked talking to her? Oh barf

Saturday, October 19, 2013

Girls' Fashion Trends: As Dissected By The Male Mormon Mind

So I get fan mail all the time. Usually it comes in one of three flavors, the “Who are you?” flavor, the “I want to have your babies” flavor, and my personal favorite, the “You are a horrible person that is shallow, please die” flavor.

Every once and awhile though, I get an email I can work with. Recently this one came across the ole MMM desk:

I was wondering if you could clear something up for me.  What does the male mormon mind think about girl fashion trends that girls think are cute vs. girl fashion trends that guys think are cute?

This is a very interesting question. The thing about guys is, we don't notice the same stuff girls notice (which to many girls means we don't notice anything). Girls seem to notice the little touches and specifics of another girls appearance (the earrings, the shoes, colors stuff?). In some ways, girls dress up for other girls, not for guys. Anyways, guys rarely notice such things (unless we are of the metro-sexual variety). We do however notice things on the aggregate though. For example, we appreciate and have a sense if a girl dresses nicely and and puts effort into that kind of thing. We really do. It really makes girls more attractive to us for the most part. But ask us what in particular we like or what we noticed that makes the difference between a girl that dresses nice and one that doesn't, and you will get alot of blank stares and cause alot of headaches. (We do notice cleavage and stuff like that, but even then its many times subconsciously.)

That being said, I sat down with my roomies and tried to brainstorm what "girl fashion trends we think are cute", all quoutes are totally 100% word-for-word quotes and they are all dead serious. 

1. "I like when girls wear those Lamanite shoes" - I asked for some clarification. "You know, those sandals with all the straps" He tried to googling phrases such as "Lamanite shoes" and "sandals with a lot of straps" but for some reason could not find what he had in mind.

Picture not available 
(apparently no cameras existed during the time of the Lamanites)

2. " I don't like those skirts that go up too high" I asked if he meant short skirts. "No, like the top is too high, the bottom is not too high" After a little bit more discussion and some googling, we think he was talking about something called Pencil Skirts? I'm really have no clue, but a picture of what he had in mind is below. Anyways, we all agreed that these skirts make girls butts look weird. Sorry, just calling like we see it.
3. "I hate hipster shorts" "Like ugly pants, just without the leg part" I guess they are short shorts that are like too big or something? Apparently again the issue is it makes girls' butts look weird. This conversation is starting to take a very definite theme...

4. "Boy's basketball styled shorts under any circumstances is unattractive" We are all agreed on this. Is it a fashion trend? No. Do we all hate it? Yes. Is the reason we hate it have to do with something that sounds like gakes birls lutts wook meird? You betcha. Wow we really do have one-track minds.

5."Big fat belts are ugly, they don't even connect to anything!" We all knew what this one was, and we all agreed that belts are for holding things up (or turning the crankshaft in your engine).


We kinda gave up after that. It was a good 30 minutes of discussing and searching the internet for girls clothing trends. By my estimation, that 30 minutes should hold me over for the next 2000 years.  

Conclusion: We didn't know what the #$@% we were talking about. We didn't even know how to find what we were talking about on the internet (which is saying something). We gave it the old college try and ended up just talking about what made girls butts look weird. In the words on my newest roommate, "I just like it when they wear cute things". What are those cute things called? Beats me. But I know it when I see it.