Sunday, January 27, 2013

An Abrupt End

Gypsy and I had our date. I would give it a B+. Truthfully, it started off a little rough. She looked stunning and that did not help with my pre-game jitters. Eventually I was able to stop thinking about how beautiful she was and just have a natural conversation. After dinner we went to The Phantom of the Opera, which we both thought was amazing. Took her home, gave the usual goodnight hug (that lingered just a bit) and left with the super specific and detailed promise of "doing something again sometime soon." Done.

Fast forward about 16 hours and I am on The Facebook doing my thing. Of course my thing includes a quick check of Gypsy's page. And what do my eyes see? Her profile picture has changed to a pic of her and another girl. And they are both holding up pieces of paper. Oh Haillllll No. She got her mission call just days earlier! How did I not know this???? She never said anything about it to me! To her credit she was obviously not hiding it, but I don't go on Facebook that often. Maybe last week when it seemed like she wanted to mack, she just wanted to fill the canteen a little. In hindsight, I should have went for it. I'll never forgive myself.

Well the jig is up. No second date. No "doing something again sometime soon." I really need to replenish my dating pool. Preferably with girls that do not have rings or mission calls.

Monday, January 21, 2013

Good and Bad News

I swear the phrase "I got some good and bad news for you, what do you want first?" was more common when I was kid. Personally, I always wanted the bad news first and so that's how I'm going to give it.

Bad News: I was at church, creeping on Opera and looking to make my move. I was losing all hope as church ended when I see her all alone, sitting on a couch looking through some papers. Perfect Blessed Day! These are perfect conditions! I say a quick prayer to the dating gods and start my approach, planning to open with the tired and true "How's it going?" (I am incredibly creative as you can tell.) My heart is beating and I'm closing in 15 ft away, 10 ft away, 5 ft away, and HOLY MOTHER OF JUPITER I see a Ring. A freaking circular band of metal encompassing her second finger on her left hand. ABORT! ABORT! 0 ft away, 5 ft away, 10 ft away...... just keep on walking.

Dodged a bullet. I swear I ring-checked her before, but maybe she just barely got engaged. I also swear she was at least a little flirty in our earlier interactions, but maybe she's just one of those types. This a real bummer since A) this is the only girl in the ward I have been crushing on and B) I wasted my first pick in the ward draft on her.

Good News: I asked out the Gypsy! (and you can just assume that if I ask out a girl she will say yes haha) We were working late and I gave her a ride home. She invited me inside to "hang out." Hang out.......riiiiiiight. It was pretty late, its Friday night, and she had already told me her roommates aren't home. Is Gypsy looking for a NCMO?

I mean, I want to make-out with her, she gorgeous! But at the same time I also want to have the chance to date her. I avoid sitting on the couch or suggesting that we watch a movie - that's the danger zone. The problem is that if you aren't sitting, you are standing. After awhile it gets awkward. So after a respectable amount of flirting, I make an excuse for having to leave. With my exit secure, I go in for the kill and ask her out. I was a little apprehensive with this one because of the the whole work/boss thing, but I think it will be fine.

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Girls Asking Guys on Dates- The Breakdown

Recently Hank was asked out by girl, and he turned her down. It reminded me of something I wrote awhile ago for something else, but I'll post it here.

First of all, I want to say that I love it when girls ask out guys, mainly because it forces them to see how difficult it actually is for us. Every girl should try it.

Two problems though.

The first problem is that girls think because they went through the nerve-wracking process of putting themselves out there and asking a guy out, that the guy should like them for it. After asking a few guys out and not getting any results, the asking girl decides that it is a bad strategy that scares guys away. Not exactly true. If guys had that attitude then none of us would have dates this weekend.

The second problem is a little more complicated, but let me break it down real nice for you. For guys, girls fall into two main groups: girls he can be interested in and girls he thinks he will never be interested. The average guy in an average ward puts about a 1/3 of the girls in the “could be interested” group and the rest in the “never interested group”. Now with that 1/3 he is getting their numbers, flirting, asking them on dates, admiring from a far, stealing locks of their hair, and that sort of thing. Of course, he won’t be asking out all them because of a lack of opportunity, confidence, time, money, or information, but several from that group will be asked out. With the 2/3 group he is either just friends with them or ignores them. Sadly it is difficult to move between the groups.

What does this have to do with girls asking out guys? If a girl asks a guy out and she is in that guy’s 1/3, then happy day, all is right. He will know she is at least somewhat interested, and he will pursue her. It will speed up the process nicely.

If on the other hand the girl asks out a guy and she is in the “never interested” group, then sad day, all is not right. He will not pursue her. Even worse, if they were friends before, there is a chance he will distance himself from her.

Here’s the rub, if you are asking out a guy that has not already asked you out, then chances are you are in his 2/3 group, statistically speaking. Even worse, most girls are not going out on a limb to ask out just some average guy. They are putting in all the effort for an above average guy and above average guys might be even more selective. Their “could be interested” group might be 1/4 or smaller.

  • Asking a guy out will not make him like you.
  • If you want to take control of your life and ask out guys, then kudos to you! It will speed things up and possibly change you from a girl that he “could be interested in” into a girl he “is interested in”.  Just don’t expect it to work every time, or even most times.
  • If you do ask a guy on a date, do not do it again until he reciprocates. If he is interested and available he will ask you out. If he doesn’t reciprocate, then you can be 100% sure he just isn’t interested.
  • The whole “guys like a chase” bit is irrelevant and not always true. There is plenty of time for him to chase you after the first date.
  • It’s hard to ask someone out, it’s even harder to continue doing it after several unsuccessful attempts.
And that is my breakdown of girls asking guys on dates

Monday, January 14, 2013

Girls at Work and Disney Princesses

I have this festering crush on The Gypsy. We work together which is both a good and bad thing. Good because I see and talk with her often. Bad because all our conversations have been work focused, and I am her boss in some ways. I am having a really hard time shifting from work chit-chat to flirty chit-chat. I also don’t want to put her in the awkward position of rejecting her boss (not that she would reject smart, funny, rich, successful, tall, dark, handsome, ripped, blue-eyed, blond-haired, body-like-a-greek-god, all around good guy me.) I really do want ask her out though. We get along well and she’s smart, interesting and beautiful. Like very beautiful. Like the most beautiful girl I have ever considered asking on a date beautiful.

Want to know why I call her The Gypsy? It’s because she looks like Esmeralda from The Hunchback of Notre Dame! Sharing this with my roommates sparked a huge debate over who is the best Disney Princess/Heroine. Below is each of our arguments:

Father Time – Belle is smart, well read, beautiful, and most importantly she isn’t afraid of a little body hair (Father Time is a scholar and gentleman, a hairy scholar and gentlemen.)

Hank- Ariel is the perfect girl, she shows up both silent and naked.

Me- Esmeralda is freaking hot, she’s feisty, and boy can she dance. The one problem is that she is the ultimate friend-zoner. Poor Quasimodo, forever alone.

Jim- Jasmine has that seductive shoulder strap/sleeves thing going where it’s almost like her top is continuously falling off. Plus you would marry into money.

Stan- Cinderella is beautiful yet classy, and she has to be good at cooking and cleaning.

Speedy Gonzales- Once again was not here for the conversation, but I’m guessing he is a big Nala fan.

Anyone else watch this and think Disney went a little too far with the pole dancing and throwing money on the stage? No? Just me?

Ward Draft Update

After our second church service in the new ward, we decided it was enough scouting and time to hold our draft. Obviously we don’t know the girls in the ward yet, and inevitably we’ll ask out some of the undrafted girls, but we feel like this is a good way to get things started.

Highlights from the draft:

  • Father Time drafted Rosie (the voluptuous freshman) with the first overall pick.
  • I drafted Opera (the cute tall blonde that sang in church Sunday and sounded like angel!) in the first round, and Tiny (a senior the size of a thimble).
  • Hank drafted Skinny Jeans girl (also a freshman with a umm particular body feature) in the first round.
  • Stan picked Ms. Daisy in the first round (I was really hoping she would fall to the second round so I could snatch her up, oh well.)
And now the 2-week clock starts ticking.

Saturday, January 12, 2013

Ward Draft

A new semester, a new ward and most importantly, a new crop of girls. For most of us male Mormons, this is when hope peaks. We see all the cute girls and think we have all kinds of possibilities. This optimism slowly dies as all our possibilities are discovered to have boyfriends, mission calls and/or “the crazies”. It’s a sad cycle that happens every time, but let’s not think about that. Right now the field seems to be white (not much racial diversity) and ready to harvest. 

The problem is who gets to harvest who. Many apartments are torn apart due to love triangles, but not my apartment. We have developed a simple system to distribute the “opportunities”, The Ward Draft.
The rules are as follows:

  1. Every girl in the ward is eligible to be drafted.
  2. The order of the first round goes from oldest to youngest roommate (the oldest guys need the most help), thereafter it follows the classic snake pattern. 
  3.  Engaged roommates are not allowed to participate not matter how much they protest.
  4. Once someone drafts a girl he has 2 weeks to ask her out, if he fails to ask her out she goes on the waiver wire.
  5. Undrafted girls are free agents.
  6. After 3 dates with a girl, that roommate must explicitly release girl and then she goes to the waiver wire.
  7. Oldest roommate starts with top waiver priority, once you claim someone you go to the bottom of the priority list.
  8. Girls stay on waiver wire for 2 days before become free agents.
  9. Only 2 rounds of drafting.
  10. Our roommate Speedy Gonzales does not get to draft because he is never here and we don’t want to explain the rules to our Ecuadorian friend (I don’t know how the draft works in futbol). Besides he probably is going after different girls anyways.
I just finished prepping the Google doc to keep track of all this haha. Let the games begin!

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

A Start

It’s an experiment. This blog. The pretense is to offer a glimpse into the “male mormon mind”, but in reality it could just turn into random ramblings from a male Mormon mind. More likely this blog will turn into nothing as I lose interest after a post or two. 

I truly want this to be a service to all my clueless sisters out there. Trust me; many of you don’t know who you are. Very few of you fine ladies understand what is going on up here, and frankly we are partially to fault. We Mormon guys have some mental complex where we try to be perfect, which is understandable since scripturally we are supposed to be striving for perfection. The problem is that perfection is annoyingly hard to achieve. What is much more doable is the appearance of perfection. Especially around the females, we try to project this image and mask the other things that make us tick.

I don’t like to brag, but I’m pretty much an expert on male Mormons. Besides being one myself, I have come to a solid understanding of them from having lived with them incessantly and having used my excellent observation skills (I’m basically Sherlock fricking Holmes up in here).

Honestly, there is quite a bit of variation when it comes to male mormon minds. Luckily, I have had the privilege to experience many types as roommates. All kinds of races, hometowns, hipsters, creepers, rich, poor, players, virgin-lippers, future GA’s and apostates. 

Using my experiences and observations, I hope to shed light on the Male Mormon Mind. I promise it exists.