Sunday, February 24, 2013

The Graduate and Male Obliviousness

So there is this girl, I'll call her the Graduate. Initially I was really excited to make a run at her cause 1) she is absolutely adorable, 2) we have some very strong mutual interests, 3) and finally as a single BYU grad, she should be just itching to get married.

We went to dinner and it was fine. Not real exciting or anything, just fine. I would give it a solid "B". I was still definitely interested enough in her to want to try another date. The problem was that our post-date interactions were pretty tepid. Her texts replies were slow and sparse. I immediately took that to mean that she's not that interested and I decide to go on my merry way, NBD. A week later I run into her and she is super friendly. I of course take this as a opening to ask her on another date. I mean, I would assume that if she didn't want go on another date with me, she wouldn't be so unnecessarily friendly.

So we go on another date and its maybe a little better than the first, “B+” material. Afterward I get the same lukewarm signs from her. I really don’t know what to think, so I decide to just let it go. I’m not that attached to her anyways. Then last week I run into her yet again (I really didn’t run into her that often before our 1st date). Surprisingly, she is still overly friendly and even invites me to a party! I still don’t think I’ll ask her out again, but this experience reminded me of my (and most boys’) inability to know girls’ feelings.

Girls have entirely too much confidence in our abilities to pick up their little signals. Once I was surprised to learn that my friend Katie had been in love with me in high school, I had never picked up on it. “She still has a huge crush on you”, a mutual friend told me. On that same night, I hung out with Katie. I really tried to pick up any sign that she liked me, but I got nothing. It just seemed like another friendly hang out.

So instead of just saying that girls need to be obvious for their dull male counterparts, I have a list of things girls have done that I actually took as a sign that they are interested in me.

1.      Invited me to a lot of stuff. Game nights, dinners, movie nights. Just one time, and they can’t just invite my whole apartment. If you want it to be understood, it needs to be more individualized.
2.      Texting: Replying super promptly and super often.
3.      Joking that I should ask them on a date.
4.      Asking me to make-out with them. Obviously this could mean they are either interested in me or just a mouth whore like I am, but generally guys like to think (and will think) that you just like us.
5.      Even better, not even asking and just going straight to macking me.
6.      Excessive touching (besides the mouth to mouth kind mentioned above). I mean unnecessarily lingering hugs, rubbing my foot with theirs under the dinner table, grabbing my hand while walking, cuddling up to me during a movie. 

This is the stuff I and my brethren take as signs that girls like us. Anything less and it is gray area. That doesn’t mean all these things actually mean girls like us and it certainly doesn’t mean if girls do these things everything will work out. I wouldn’t even suggest doing most of these things. All I am saying is that if any of this goes down, we’ll think the girl wants our bod. Anything else, and it going to be the usual self-doubting muddle to mutual understanding, which many people seem to prefer anyway.

On a side note, if you don’t want a guy to think you like him, do not under any circumstances do any of these things. You’ve been warned.

Monday, February 18, 2013

Estimating the Number of Eligible Bachelorettes at BYU

A recent episode of This American Life has inspired me to do this post. So the Drake equation is a mathematical equation used to estimate the number of detectable extraterrestrial civilizations in the Milky Way galaxy. I will be using a variation of the Drake equation to find out how many eligible bachelorettes are at BYU. Let’s began!

First we will take the entire BYU student body.

Total undergrad full-time student body size= 27,901 peeps

Next we will eliminate all the males (sorry dudes).

27,901 peeps x 48% = 13,392 Female BYU undergrads

Then we will get rid of those immature-not-yet-ripe-for-the-picking freshmen that I don’t ask out.

13,392 Female undergrads – 3,348 Female freshman = 10,044 Non-freshies

Now I also don’t ask out girls taller than me or even close. I was standing next to a girl yesterday that was my exact height (a tad over 6’00) and I didn’t like it haha. I want to be able to grab my woman, throw her over my shoulder, and take off. Granted, I’ve been doing a lot of shoulder workouts, but still, I need to draw the line somewhere. 5’10” is my line. Good news is that only about .7% of women are taller than 5’ 10”, so this step is kinda useless. Yeah….

10,044 Non-freshies – 70 tall lassies = 9974 survivors

Okay next step was the most difficult and probably the most insensitive. How many of these 9974 brave survivors are, in my opinion, attractive? I can’t just look this one up on the internet. My solution was to sit at the entrance of the Harold B. Lee Library, where almost everyone goes at one time or another, and count how many of the girls I found to be attractive or not. Sure that sounds like the creepiest thing you have ever heard, but it was done for Science. FOR SCIENCE! So really it wasn’t creepy at all.  

Now this is a little tricky, because sometimes I don’t think a girl is super attractive, but then when I get to know her, she becomes more attractive. Perfectly natural right? What I had to do was decide if she was attractive enough for me to ever consider dating her - the bare minimum of attractiveness to pass the imagination test.  Anyways, after ~70 girls walked by I decided I had enough and discovered that about 25% passed.

That’s not too bad is it? It’s not like I need some blonde bombshell super model that makes up .0001% of the population (I'd take one though). Especially considering that as soon as I start dating a girl, I am expected to all of a sudden become so selective that only 1 girl out of 3,209,000,000 are attractive.

9974 survivors x 25% = 2494 cute enough (to me) girls

 I have to determine how many of the remaining lovely ladies are married (cuz I’m no home-wrecker duh). At I have heard that about 1/3 of BYU students are married. But because I am already excluding freshmen, that number should be higher. Plus these are generally more attractive than average girls, so I would expect that would also push the number up. So we will go with 1/2.

2494 cute girls x 50% = 1247 no-ring-on-it cute girls

Now let’s estimate how many of these girls are truly single. No fianc├ęs, no boyfriends, no soon-to-be boyfriends, and the like. I feel like if you are a cute girl at BYU you would be truly single only about half the time. This is just judging from my personal experience. Some girls have a bf 90% of their life and some have a bf only 10% of the time.

1247 no-ring-on-it cute girls x 50% = 624 truly single cute girls

How many girls are truly available though? My stake president told us that almost a 1/3 of the girls in our stake have put in their mission papers. Plus there are the girls that are unavailable because they are coming off a bad break up, aren’t interested in dating right now, or maybe like girls (they exist!). Chop off another third.
624 true singles x 2/3 = 416 availables

Before I ask out a girl I usually have a conversation with her or get to know her through some mutual social event. After talking to a cute girl that I know is single and available, I feel like half the time I come away thinking that I should ask her out. The other times I can tell I’ll never ask her out because she is too hyper, to uptight, too ditzy, or just straight up has the crazies (they exist!).

416 availables x 50% = 208 girls I would ask out on a date.

I’ll stop there. 208. Seems kinda puny. You like to think that there are thousands of fish in the sea, but it turns out there are only 208. This is before even going on a date with them and finding something else that might eliminate them! Or even considering how many of those 208 would like me (I’m guessing in the low 200’s, I’m pretty dreamy). 208 is only like 1 or 2 per ward – no wonder I don’t ask out any girls some weekends.

I know this isn't the most exact estimation, but I don't feel like its all that far off either.

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Girls' Majors

So as I try to replenish my dating pool, I am meeting all kinds of new girls. No meeting of two college students is complete without the exchanging of the usual info. Where you from? Where you living? Did you go on a mission? Where you going to school? How many kids do want? Will you have my children? All that good stuff. My favorite question of all of them is "What is your major?" Below is what I think of when I hear girls answer that question:
  • Dietetics- With all that knowledge of nutrition and health, they should be looking fit right? Not always the case in my experience. Maybe she can cook?
  • Elementary Ed- Baby Hungry
  • Family home sciences- Not really going to college, just looking to get married
  • English- One plus side, she can edit my papers (and blog posts). On the down side, she’ll be correcting the King’s grammar all the time (Veggie-tales reference there)
  • Dance- Probably a useless major, but she likes to move it, move it and I also like to move it, move it. And as my friend Abe says, "those dancers be healthy" (Abe hates English majors btw).
  • Engineering/CS/Math- What???? I’m extremely suspicious of their social skills but curious all the same.
  • Business- Probably being chased by a thousand business d-bags. Although she might have Sugar Momma potential.
  • Theatre- Drama queens, and that’s not just a joke, I really expect them to be more dramatic. Potentially be able to fake having a good time on a date.
  • Political Science- Probably annoying. Whether Left or Right wing, super vocal opinionated political people are aggravating.
  • Nursing- Sign me up. I want to date a nursing girl so bad. Just the thought a cute girl nursing me to health when I have the sniffles is sooo hot.
  • Women’s Studies- Probably either really cool or one of those girls that refuses to let you open the door for you (true story)
  • Psychology- Mind games. She is trying to psycho analyze me, I just know it.
  • Philosophy- I’m trying to think of any great female philosophers…. Ayn Rand? Well I despise Ayn so I don’t think they will be my type.
  • International Relations- Has dreams of traveling the world and saving all the child soldiers in Africa (Remember Kony!) Yeah that’s not going to happen.
  • Bio/Public Health/Neuro- Future Doctor? In theory that’s attractive, but in reality it just means a useless degree or 8 years of expensive and intense grad school.