Monday, March 25, 2013

Turning on the lights or Why we don't call you after asking for your number

After recently reading a blog post and overhearing a conversation about this, I decided to make like a sunny dog and shed some light. 

Girls just can’t seem to figure out why boys would ask for their numbers, but then to fail to call them.  It’s so bizarre right? Just another example of Boys being stupid and dense. GIRLS WOULD NEVER DO ANYTHING LIKE THAT. NEVER! (I am guessing this is what girls are thinking, but this blog is called Male Mormon Mind for a reason)

Girls would never give out their number and then later have second thoughts. Oh wait, that happens all the time! But that’s not why we are here, we are here to find out why boys don’t put a ring-a-ling on that finger… uhh I mean phone. 

  1. Getting a girl’s number is a confidence booster. We don’t have to actually go on a date or do any of that time or money consuming stuff; we just have to know that we could if we wanted to
  2.  Sometimes it’s to save face with our friends. Freshman year, I went to a huge party with a few of my Bronies. We made a sacred pact that we would each get a girl’s number. Well after 3 hours of performing interpretive dance in the corner, I was numberless and the party was winding down. Meanwhile all my friends had gotten a girl’s number. So I did what I had to do, I looked for a girl that looked desperate enough to give me her # without hesitation but cute enough that I wouldn’t be made fun of by my friends. It’s a delicate balance. I found that girl, got her number, never called.
  3. Lights are turned on. Summer before my freshman year I was at a dance with my older brother. It was a very dark, especially by church dance standards. It’s the last dance, I am slow dancing with this girl and I can tell she wants the bod (and who can blame her). I am getting her number when they turn on the lights. HOLY MOTHER she looks old! I couldn’t tell before but she had to be close to 30. Earlier when she said she had just graduated I was thinking high school, but it turns out she just graduated from DENTAL SCHOOL. I definitely didn’t call her.
  4. Upon further investigation, never mind. Sometimes a little Facebook stalking is all it takes to change our minds.
  5. Its takes balls and sometimes we are lacking. All we need is 20 seconds of insane courage you say? Yeah we used that up when we asked for your number.
  6. Other things come up. One day I might get Girl A’s number and the next day I might finally have a breakthrough with Girl B that has been on my radar for months. Too bad for Girl A. Or it might be a super busy week and I didn’t have time to call within that short acceptable window of opportunity. Let’s be honest, it would be super weird if I called up a girl whose number I got at a party 3 months ago (Her: “Oh wait, you were that really hot guy” Me: “That would be me”). If I don’t call within a week of getting her number, I’m never calling.

The bright side is that as I have aged and matured, I have become less inclined to participate in such distasteful behavior. So if the boy doesn’t call you, it might have nothing to do with you, and everything to do with the boy’s immaturity. Either that, or the lights were turned on.

Sunday, March 17, 2013

Courtesans and Third Wheels

My apartment always has what we call “Courtesans”. That sounds harsh, but let me explain. They are girls that hang out at our apartment all the time, but that no one is dating or taking on dates. We have found that inevitably many of these semi-permanent residents of our front room will be made-out with on some lonely night or another. It’s not all NCMO’s and saturnalias though. Some are actually asked on dates or even seriously dated. Once that happens they cease being a courtesan.  Usually after a while of no one asking them out (or after someone macks with them) they disappear, but there always seems to be the next group ready to fill the vacancy. 

In the current group there is one girl, Sandy, that has piqued my interest. She’s cute and fun to hang out with. Even better, no one has macked her yet. Recently I had 2 tickets to a show and needed someone to go with. So I call Sandy up and ask her to go with me. She says yes and everything is good. A few days before the date, I am sitting in our front room with Sandy and my roommate Hank. We start talking about the show and Hank (being a Five-star wingman and trying to help me out) starts telling Sandy how awesome it is and how much he loved it when he went. Sandy then does the unthinkable. She invites Hank to come with us! It wasn’t, “oh Hank should bring a date and we’ll double.” It was “OMG, Hank you should come with us and all 3 of us will go together.”  There was an important distinction between those two statements.

Freaking chick was trying to get a third-wheel for our date! I don’t drive no tricycle!  Hank immediately turns to me with a look of shock and confusion. He kind of laughs and says, “I don’t know about that.” For the first few seconds it seemed like she could be joking, but it soon became clear that she wasn’t. “Why not?” she asks poor Hank. At that point I decide to take over and tell her that it is a great idea and that I’ll into getting an extra ticket for him. Hank looks at me even more confused and I just smile at him so he goes with it. 

Later when she is gone our whole apartment weighs in on the situation. We can think of three possible explanations:

  1. She is really into Hank and by having him join our date was her way of letting him know that. Although none of us, especially Hank, had ever thought she liked him before.
  2. She just doesn’t want to date me, so she tries to make our date a devil’s threesome, thereby discouraging me from ever asking her out again.
  3. She didn’t realize this was a real paired off date and failed to see the extreme awkwardness of inviting Hank. We are constantly doing stuff as a group, but I thought it was clear this was different when I originally asked her out over the phone.

Either she likes my roommate, doesn’t like me, or is not too bright. Regardless, I never had any intention of doing what I told her i.e. find an extra ticket for Hank. The next day I tell her that the show is sold out and so we should just wait until we can do something all together with Hank. She then has the balls to say, “Okay, but me and you are still doing something together right?” I assure her that some other time we will, but that I’m selling my tickets. Of course that’s not the case. I’ll never ask her out again, and Hank and I went to the show together- bro date style. And it was awesome. 

Saturday, March 2, 2013

Please make it stop

I have a very important thing to talk about today. It is a plague that seems to be growing rapidly, and I can stand idly by no more.

Short hair. On girls. NO BUENO.

My brethren and I die a little when we see a lass with closely chopped hair. I cannot stress this enough. We do not like it. I have never met a guy who likes it. I've met guys who liked gingers, latinas, black girls, asian girls, plump girls, super tall girls, skinny-as-a-bean-pole girls, gap in the front teeth girls, lazy left eye girls, but never have I met a guy who prefers drastically short hair on girls. If you have short hair and your man says he likes it, he is lying. What he really means is that he likes you, even if you have short hair, but he would prefer you grow that stuff out.

I am mostly talking about really short hair. Some girls can pull of "shorter hair", but I would say that no girl looks better with short hair or even shorter hair. We don't want to be dating a Smiley Cyrus look alike or a Prostitution Anne Hathaway. We like to A) to be able to play with and run our fingers through your hair and B) to be able to pick you out of a crowd of dudes.

But don't just take my (and every other guy's I've ever talked to about this) word for it. I have evidence to put forward based the girls I know (Named have be replaced with letters to protect the innocent butches).

  • Girl A always complained about not getting a date until she let her hair grow her out and BAM! Boyfriend. 3 months later BAM! Engaged (what? its BYU)
  • Girl B was pursued by my roommate Hank, she cut her hair really short, and the chase was over.
  • Girl C has a long term boyfriend she told everyone she was in love with. Cut her hair short. He wants to take a break. (I don't know the dude well, but I'm guessing hair played a big part in his decision)
  • Girl D is a friend of our apartment and over all the time. She's a fun girl but none of us would touch her with a 50 foot pole. We look through her old FB pics and there is one of her with long hair, several of us deem her a cute (atleast in the picture)
  • Girl E cuts her hair super short and her cat immediately dies. 

See! The purely anecdotal evidence is overwhelming! You cut your hair short and bad things will happen to you!

All joking aside, you can do whatever you want with your hair, its your body. That is not my or any boy's decision make. I'm just saying if you want to do that with your body, no boy is going to want to do anything with your body.

(All sufferers of illness and disease that causes you to have short hair or no hair, you are exempt, you are beautiful as is)