Saturday, May 25, 2013

How To Lose A Girl

A few weeks ago I was all excited to peruse the new selection of ladies that moved into the ward, but instead I ended up seeing one lady I was not expecting. BROWNIE GIRL! She was supposed to be 400 miles away. Maybe she is lingering a tad longer? NOPE. I discovered that she decided both to stay for spring/summer and to be very aggressive/flirty with me. 

This is NOT going according to plan. That was supposed to be a NCMO and she knew it! We said our goodbyes, no take backsies!

To make matters worse, Brownie Girl has a new roommate, LaFanda, who is smoking hot. So now I have to throw Brownie off my trail. I have compiled a list of tactics I typically employ to do the throwing.
  1. Avoid her. My roommates and I have developed a highly effective method. In any social function, the avoider simply has his back to the avoidee, the roommates are talking to the avoider and thus facing the avoidee. If the roommates see the avoidee (Brownie girl) coming over towards the avoider (me), they say the code words, in our case, “FLY YOU FOOL!” (Preferably in a Gandalf-like accent) That’s my cue to book it.
  2. Bad texting. I really hate not responding to someone’s text (especially if it’s a question), but I am not above replying in one word texts. Girls hate one word texts! And guess what? We know that! Brownie asked how my day was, I told her “Pretty good.” (With this one I threw in a generous extra word, the descriptive “pretty”. I also get bonus points for proper capitalization and punctuation.) Needless to say that convo died quickly.
  3. Get other guys to flirt with her. This can be achieved in a variety of ways. Usually it just takes a gentle suggestion to the right guy. “Dude are you and Brownie girl together? cuz she keeps looking at you” It is tricky though because he has to be on the prowl, but not too hopeless and desperate. Also I have discovered I have to leave the room after doing all my suggesting. Apparently every self-respecting guy at BYU has too much pride to go up and start up a conversation with a girl he was just told to talk to. Weird. Another option is to bribe a guy to chat up a lassie. Also super effective in the right scenario, and it usually only takes few bucks (depending on the lass).
  4. Flirt with other girls, bonus points if it’s her roommate (especially if her roommate is as hot as Brownie Girl’s). Alright I wouldn’t be so cold as to take out her roommate…..yet….but I would flirt with other girls in her presence, or even take out a girl in a neighboring apartment where she might see us.
  5. Cut short any interactions with her. Anytime I do unfortunately run into her, I always seem to be super busy. Too busy in fact to stay and chat with her. I have a lot of things going on right now, I’m sure she understands.
  6. DTR. This is dreaded last resort. I don’t think I owe a girl a DTR until we are officially dating, or we have been on at least 3 legit dates and have kissed. We’ve been on 5 dates but never kissed? Well then I am free to disappear into the night never to be heard of again. (Interestingly, this self-imposed rule makes me A) think twice before kissing a girl I have been on 3+ dates with and B) think twice about asking out again a girl I kissed after only the first or second date)  We had a one-date goodbye NCMO? No discussion necessary, unless the girl is getting to be a real pest and I really need to get her off my back.

The saddest thing about these tactics is that occasionally they backfire and cause the girl to like me even more. With some girls, ignoring them/not treating them kindly suddenly makes me irresistible and causes them to try even harder. This whole phenomenon deserves its own post.

Luckily, Brownie seems to be thrown off my trail already and I never even had to think about going to Tactic 6. Thank goodness.

Sunday, May 12, 2013

Confessions #2 through #4

Confession: I like it when I go to pick a girl for a date and she is still getting ready. It just reminds me she is putting effort into looking good. As long as it doesn’t take 20 like minutes, that’s pushing it. I can only awkwardly wait for so long in the front room with her dateless roommate as she watches Downton Abbey and slams a carton of ice cream while Facebook stalking her crush.

Confession: When a girl tells me she is a little dramatic, I never know if A) she is dramatic compared to other girls, in which case she is probably straight up crazy and I should start running now, or B) they are a little dramatic compared to a logical person, in which case they are probably more self aware and less dramatic than the typical college girl (Me Gusto).  

Probably A right? Give me a sec to stretch. 

Confession: Sometimes I get really annoyed during sacrament meetings. I did a scientific count and I swear 75.3% of the testimony bearers opened with some variation of the line “My life is really hard right now”. I been having a really hard week, or school has been really tough and I am having trouble with a friend. I sometimes forget if I am at a prison camp or a college with all these miserable lives. Buck up children! I don’t know what’s worse, the ubiquitous and boring general lamentations or the rare very specific and detailed ones e.g. “Sarah, yeah the blonde there on the second row, canceled our wedding and broke my heart!  All because she thinks I’m not sensitive enough. The whore!”

After a string of 4 or 5 of them it makes me want to go up there and proclaim how great my life is (and wink at Sarah on my way back to my seat).

Thursday, May 2, 2013

Confession #1: Slaying Hood Rats

So I did something this past week I am not super proud of. Luckily this blog is not about making me or men in general look better. It’s about the truth! The cold butt-ugly truth.

Here’s my confession:
Of late, I have been going through a rough patch dating-wise. I am not saying I haven’t been going on dates; if you are a boy, not going on dates isn’t a rough patch. It is laziness. My rough patch is the result of going on many dates, but nothing really coming from it except for some goodnight hugs, lost time, and blown money. I started to get really antsy and just needed something to happen

So I went looking for a slump-buster, or as my apartment likes to call it - a Hood Rat.

Hood Rat: noun \hu̇d ˈrat\ 1. A girl that is just attractive enough to hook-up with, but homely/promiscuous enough that you feel pretty good about your chances with her 2. A little kid from the hood who steals cars (see video below)

It is a well established strategy in sports. After the long off-season, the BYU basketball team doesn’t start off by playing a nationally ranked team, they schedule these preseason games against “Hood Rats” like Southeastern Oklahoma State (BYU slayed that Hood Rat 103-57 btw). It gives the team a chance to work out any kinks after the long lay-off and boost their confidence before the more challenging regular season.

I honestly think girls use this tactic more often than guys, if only in a less physical way. So many girls I know will flirt with a guy they have no interest in dating (aka they slay Hood Rats). Why? To get some flattering attention and boost their confidence. Often girls don’t even think about it and don’t even know they are doing it. I have, however, gotten a few honest, self-aware girls to admit it.

I’m not saying that slaying hood rats is okay to do because both men and women do it. It is wrong to mess with other peoples feeling to gratify and build up yourself (and I feel just horrible, trust me haha). I’m just saying it’s pervasive on both sides of the aisle.

With that being said, I quickly found the perfect target. A semi-cute girl in my ward that brought me “finals” brownies out of nowhere and for no good reason (well the reason was she wanted my bod, which is a fine reason I guess). I had only interacted with her a few times, but I knew I could pull this one off. And even better, she was moving back to Nevada that week. Which is perfect because the whole point of slaying hood rats is that you don’t want to date them, it’s a pure grab and go. Her leaving works right into my plan of making a clean getaway without any awkward ward prayer stare downs afterward.

So I call Brownie girl up, thank her for the brownies (I’m so polite) and tell her she has to let me take her to get ice cream. A few days later I pick her up, we go to Cold Stone, and we have a grand old time. At this point I suggest we go back to my place to watch a movie (which is pretty much universally understood code for “Do you want to make-out?”). She accepts and we return to the MMM residence. My roommates of course know all about my Operation “Mack-Attack” and have obligingly made themselves scarce. I pop in Terminator Salvation and plop down beside Brownie. About at the part where Christian Bale shoots the robot and after some solid cuddling (which she initiated!), I am ready to make a move. I lean in close asking some stupid question, stare deeeeep into her eyes, lean in reaaaally close………… and then you know, we start kissing…………. a lot. Movie ends, I take her back to her apartment, and we all live happily ever after.

Mission accomplished. Slump busted. Hood Rat Slain. 

                                                    Sometimes "its fun to do bad things"