Saturday, May 25, 2013

How To Lose A Girl



A few weeks ago I was all excited to peruse the new selection of ladies that moved into the ward, but instead I ended up seeing one lady I was not expecting. BROWNIE GIRL! She was supposed to be 400 miles away. Maybe she is lingering a tad longer? NOPE. I discovered that she decided both to stay for spring/summer and to be very aggressive/flirty with me. 

This is NOT going according to plan. That was supposed to be a NCMO and she knew it! We said our goodbyes, no take backsies!

To make matters worse, Brownie Girl has a new roommate, LaFanda, who is smoking hot. So now I have to throw Brownie off my trail. I have compiled a list of tactics I typically employ to do the throwing.
  1. Avoid her. My roommates and I have developed a highly effective method. In any social function, the avoider simply has his back to the avoidee, the roommates are talking to the avoider and thus facing the avoidee. If the roommates see the avoidee (Brownie girl) coming over towards the avoider (me), they say the code words, in our case, “FLY YOU FOOL!” (Preferably in a Gandalf-like accent) That’s my cue to book it.
  2. Bad texting. I really hate not responding to someone’s text (especially if it’s a question), but I am not above replying in one word texts. Girls hate one word texts! And guess what? We know that! Brownie asked how my day was, I told her “Pretty good.” (With this one I threw in a generous extra word, the descriptive “pretty”. I also get bonus points for proper capitalization and punctuation.) Needless to say that convo died quickly.
  3. Get other guys to flirt with her. This can be achieved in a variety of ways. Usually it just takes a gentle suggestion to the right guy. “Dude are you and Brownie girl together? cuz she keeps looking at you” It is tricky though because he has to be on the prowl, but not too hopeless and desperate. Also I have discovered I have to leave the room after doing all my suggesting. Apparently every self-respecting guy at BYU has too much pride to go up and start up a conversation with a girl he was just told to talk to. Weird. Another option is to bribe a guy to chat up a lassie. Also super effective in the right scenario, and it usually only takes few bucks (depending on the lass).
  4. Flirt with other girls, bonus points if it’s her roommate (especially if her roommate is as hot as Brownie Girl’s). Alright I wouldn’t be so cold as to take out her roommate…..yet….but I would flirt with other girls in her presence, or even take out a girl in a neighboring apartment where she might see us.
  5. Cut short any interactions with her. Anytime I do unfortunately run into her, I always seem to be super busy. Too busy in fact to stay and chat with her. I have a lot of things going on right now, I’m sure she understands.
  6. DTR. This is dreaded last resort. I don’t think I owe a girl a DTR until we are officially dating, or we have been on at least 3 legit dates and have kissed. We’ve been on 5 dates but never kissed? Well then I am free to disappear into the night never to be heard of again. (Interestingly, this self-imposed rule makes me A) think twice before kissing a girl I have been on 3+ dates with and B) think twice about asking out again a girl I kissed after only the first or second date)  We had a one-date goodbye NCMO? No discussion necessary, unless the girl is getting to be a real pest and I really need to get her off my back.

The saddest thing about these tactics is that occasionally they backfire and cause the girl to like me even more. With some girls, ignoring them/not treating them kindly suddenly makes me irresistible and causes them to try even harder. This whole phenomenon deserves its own post.

Luckily, Brownie seems to be thrown off my trail already and I never even had to think about going to Tactic 6. Thank goodness.

1 comment:

Carlie said...

1 word texts = immediate wrath