Thursday, May 2, 2013

Confession #1: Slaying Hood Rats

So I did something this past week I am not super proud of. Luckily this blog is not about making me or men in general look better. It’s about the truth! The cold butt-ugly truth.

Here’s my confession:
Of late, I have been going through a rough patch dating-wise. I am not saying I haven’t been going on dates; if you are a boy, not going on dates isn’t a rough patch. It is laziness. My rough patch is the result of going on many dates, but nothing really coming from it except for some goodnight hugs, lost time, and blown money. I started to get really antsy and just needed something to happen

So I went looking for a slump-buster, or as my apartment likes to call it - a Hood Rat.

Hood Rat: noun \hu̇d ˈrat\ 1. A girl that is just attractive enough to hook-up with, but homely/promiscuous enough that you feel pretty good about your chances with her 2. A little kid from the hood who steals cars (see video below)

It is a well established strategy in sports. After the long off-season, the BYU basketball team doesn’t start off by playing a nationally ranked team, they schedule these preseason games against “Hood Rats” like Southeastern Oklahoma State (BYU slayed that Hood Rat 103-57 btw). It gives the team a chance to work out any kinks after the long lay-off and boost their confidence before the more challenging regular season.

I honestly think girls use this tactic more often than guys, if only in a less physical way. So many girls I know will flirt with a guy they have no interest in dating (aka they slay Hood Rats). Why? To get some flattering attention and boost their confidence. Often girls don’t even think about it and don’t even know they are doing it. I have, however, gotten a few honest, self-aware girls to admit it.

I’m not saying that slaying hood rats is okay to do because both men and women do it. It is wrong to mess with other peoples feeling to gratify and build up yourself (and I feel just horrible, trust me haha). I’m just saying it’s pervasive on both sides of the aisle.

With that being said, I quickly found the perfect target. A semi-cute girl in my ward that brought me “finals” brownies out of nowhere and for no good reason (well the reason was she wanted my bod, which is a fine reason I guess). I had only interacted with her a few times, but I knew I could pull this one off. And even better, she was moving back to Nevada that week. Which is perfect because the whole point of slaying hood rats is that you don’t want to date them, it’s a pure grab and go. Her leaving works right into my plan of making a clean getaway without any awkward ward prayer stare downs afterward.

So I call Brownie girl up, thank her for the brownies (I’m so polite) and tell her she has to let me take her to get ice cream. A few days later I pick her up, we go to Cold Stone, and we have a grand old time. At this point I suggest we go back to my place to watch a movie (which is pretty much universally understood code for “Do you want to make-out?”). She accepts and we return to the MMM residence. My roommates of course know all about my Operation “Mack-Attack” and have obligingly made themselves scarce. I pop in Terminator Salvation and plop down beside Brownie. About at the part where Christian Bale shoots the robot and after some solid cuddling (which she initiated!), I am ready to make a move. I lean in close asking some stupid question, stare deeeeep into her eyes, lean in reaaaally close………… and then you know, we start kissing…………. a lot. Movie ends, I take her back to her apartment, and we all live happily ever after.

Mission accomplished. Slump busted. Hood Rat Slain. 

                                                    Sometimes "its fun to do bad things"


Elizabeth Downie said...

Yes, if there's one thing the Church teaches, it's that our Heavenly Father likes when his daughters are called "hood rats" and are used for their bodies.

You're a great representative for the Church. So glad you have "Mormon" in your title.

Carlie said...

Thanks for showing the more light hearted side of a male mormon. It is nice to see there are mormons that are not uptight and seem to take offense over everything just because there is some well intended humor in it. Carry on.