Thursday, June 27, 2013

Confession #7: Cutest Girl in the Room

A lot of times I talk/flirt with the cutest girl in the room, just because she’s the cutest one available. Even when I wouldn’t normally think she was that cute, but she just happens to be the cutest out of those present. Sometimes (or maybe a lot of times) church events, little game nights, ward prayers, and other get-togethers don’t have any girls that I am very attracted to or interested in. If I have to be there for awhile though, why not make the best of it with whoever happens to be the Belle of that particular Ball so to speak. 

Now, just to be clear, I hate that I do this. Mainly because I don’t like to C-block my brethren who might also be there and genuinely be interested in the girl.

The problem is though, I would feel mean and juvenile if I left every social function early just because I didn’t think there were hot girls there (many guys actually do this). So instead I decide to stay and make the best of it by chatting up people. But as I try to decide who to chat with my mind starts saying, “Well if you have to talk to someone, might as well be Michelle. Yeah you probably wouldn’t ever be interested in her, but out of all these girls, she probably has the greatest chance.” Well that sounds pretty logical Mr. Brain (although this is my brain deciding that my brain’s argument to talk to Michelle is pretty logical, so I guess Mr. Brain is kinda biased). And so I go and make Michelle’s day. 

In conclusion: I am not trying to get in the way of other guys scoring with Michelle. My brain just automatically decides to use my socializing time as effectively as possible.  The other guys will just have to step up their game (Come at me Bro). 

 I do my moves, I do my dance moves

Monday, June 24, 2013

So did you hold her hand?

Things are coming along swimmingly with The Roommate. I think she likes me and I think I like her. Now normally when I’m interested in a girl and potentially want to date her, I start looking to hold her hand during or after the 2nd date. Then depending on how things are going after that I will start looking to kiss her.  Regardless, I always go with the handholding as the gateway drug to other physical relations. It’s just my system (call me old fashioned). 

Now here is the one problem with The Roommate - I can’t seem to get my hands on hers. The system is all clogged up! We have been on several dates, but she has never given me the opportunity yet.  

This weekend I invited her to my apartment to watch a movie and I was determined to make it happen. My roommate Larry and his girlfriend would be joining us, so the three of us schemed ahead of time. We strategically determined where each couple would sit (far enough for privacy, close enough for back-up). They even helped me come up with different contingency plans and made sure everything was in place. What good friends to help me get some hand action right?

My girl comes over, I direct her to previously planned zone, Larry puts on the film (Nacho Libre), Larry’s lady turns off the lights, and we are all set. Roommate girl brought over a bowl of popcorn but, no worries, we planned for this possibility. Halfway through the movie, Larry will ask for some popcorn, take the bowl from Roommate girl and never give it back -thus freeing up Roommate girl’s beautiful hands for the best hand holding of her life. Genius right? I sure thought so.

As the movie gets closer to end, I get closer to having a panic attack. Larry must have forgotten! Its way past the halfway mark! What is his problem? 

Finally, blessedly, Larry asks for some popcorn (good ole Larry). Now is my chance, but I can’t just grab it right away. You gotta play it cool, not seem too eager. So I wait a respectable 9 seconds, which turns out to be just enough time for my courage to dissolve and my hand to freeze to my thigh. The first hand grab is a leap of faith and sometimes I need an extra push. So I always give myself a deadline. For example, when the clock strikes 11:31 I will hold her hand. Or on the count of “3” I’ll go for it. Anyways, in this scenario I decided to make my move once Encarnacion starts reading Nacho’sletter. Of course that scene came entirely too quickly and I still hadn’t moved yet (or breathed). Yes I was chickening out, but that scene was too romantic anyways I told myself (again don’t want to seem too eager), but 100% for sure I would go for it during the final wrestling match.

And just as Nacho was about to have his final showdown with Ramses and as I was moving my hand into no man’s land and speedily toward her hand’s land, Larry, my so called “friend”, comes over and hands the popcorn bowl back to Roommate girl.

I took a quick selfie of my face at that exact moment:
Unfortunately Larry didn’t catch my reaction.  Frantic, my mind leaps to the conclusion that if I can just finish eating all popcorn, then no one would need to hold the bowl and all hands would be free. I describe it as a bowl, but really it was more like a tub. It was huge, right in between the size of a normal popcorn bowl and a normal bath tub. Undeterred I started pounding popcorn into my face, double fisting the stuff. Left. Right. Left. Right. 

There might have been popcorn crud all over my face and hands by the end, but I did it. Throwing the bowl/tub to the other side of the room, I was all ready for some salty hand holding (and vomiting). Roommate girl was not. I don’t know if she was disgusted by my just finished gorging or if she didn’t know the proper hand holding process, but her hands were wedged deep into her inner thighs. I can’t go fishing for her hands in there! That’s the danger zone! She is supposed to put her hand on the top of or the outside of her thigh closest to me. Come on, that’s basic Jr. High level knowledge. Well her positioning never changed, the movie ended, and I’m was left empty handed (hahaha I couldn’t resist). Later that night, after Roommate girl had left, the oblivious and hopeful Larry turns to me and has the balls to ask me, “So did you hold her hand?”

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Confession #6: Tackling Girls

Sometimes when I see a really big sturdy looking girl, I get this sudden urge to run up and try tackling her, just to see if I could knock her over or if something like this would happen to me:

And don't worry, I checked and the kid was fine afterward.