Monday, June 24, 2013

So did you hold her hand?

Things are coming along swimmingly with The Roommate. I think she likes me and I think I like her. Now normally when I’m interested in a girl and potentially want to date her, I start looking to hold her hand during or after the 2nd date. Then depending on how things are going after that I will start looking to kiss her.  Regardless, I always go with the handholding as the gateway drug to other physical relations. It’s just my system (call me old fashioned). 

Now here is the one problem with The Roommate - I can’t seem to get my hands on hers. The system is all clogged up! We have been on several dates, but she has never given me the opportunity yet.  

This weekend I invited her to my apartment to watch a movie and I was determined to make it happen. My roommate Larry and his girlfriend would be joining us, so the three of us schemed ahead of time. We strategically determined where each couple would sit (far enough for privacy, close enough for back-up). They even helped me come up with different contingency plans and made sure everything was in place. What good friends to help me get some hand action right?

My girl comes over, I direct her to previously planned zone, Larry puts on the film (Nacho Libre), Larry’s lady turns off the lights, and we are all set. Roommate girl brought over a bowl of popcorn but, no worries, we planned for this possibility. Halfway through the movie, Larry will ask for some popcorn, take the bowl from Roommate girl and never give it back -thus freeing up Roommate girl’s beautiful hands for the best hand holding of her life. Genius right? I sure thought so.

As the movie gets closer to end, I get closer to having a panic attack. Larry must have forgotten! Its way past the halfway mark! What is his problem? 

Finally, blessedly, Larry asks for some popcorn (good ole Larry). Now is my chance, but I can’t just grab it right away. You gotta play it cool, not seem too eager. So I wait a respectable 9 seconds, which turns out to be just enough time for my courage to dissolve and my hand to freeze to my thigh. The first hand grab is a leap of faith and sometimes I need an extra push. So I always give myself a deadline. For example, when the clock strikes 11:31 I will hold her hand. Or on the count of “3” I’ll go for it. Anyways, in this scenario I decided to make my move once Encarnacion starts reading Nacho’sletter. Of course that scene came entirely too quickly and I still hadn’t moved yet (or breathed). Yes I was chickening out, but that scene was too romantic anyways I told myself (again don’t want to seem too eager), but 100% for sure I would go for it during the final wrestling match.

And just as Nacho was about to have his final showdown with Ramses and as I was moving my hand into no man’s land and speedily toward her hand’s land, Larry, my so called “friend”, comes over and hands the popcorn bowl back to Roommate girl.

I took a quick selfie of my face at that exact moment:
Unfortunately Larry didn’t catch my reaction.  Frantic, my mind leaps to the conclusion that if I can just finish eating all popcorn, then no one would need to hold the bowl and all hands would be free. I describe it as a bowl, but really it was more like a tub. It was huge, right in between the size of a normal popcorn bowl and a normal bath tub. Undeterred I started pounding popcorn into my face, double fisting the stuff. Left. Right. Left. Right. 

There might have been popcorn crud all over my face and hands by the end, but I did it. Throwing the bowl/tub to the other side of the room, I was all ready for some salty hand holding (and vomiting). Roommate girl was not. I don’t know if she was disgusted by my just finished gorging or if she didn’t know the proper hand holding process, but her hands were wedged deep into her inner thighs. I can’t go fishing for her hands in there! That’s the danger zone! She is supposed to put her hand on the top of or the outside of her thigh closest to me. Come on, that’s basic Jr. High level knowledge. Well her positioning never changed, the movie ended, and I’m was left empty handed (hahaha I couldn’t resist). Later that night, after Roommate girl had left, the oblivious and hopeful Larry turns to me and has the balls to ask me, “So did you hold her hand?”

1 comment:

Carlie said...

Hahah! Oh, Larry. What a tard. Should've struck the deal with his girl and she would've remembered how to do it right!! :)