Sunday, September 29, 2013

That One Super Hot Girl In The Ward

Every ward has that super hot girl (okay honestly some wards don't even have one and some may have a few). She probably wears slightly to extremely immodest clothing just to remind anyone that might not have noticed that she has a rocking bod. Most likely she is a little on the worldly side and a lot on the stupid side. (Note: I think girls are just as smart as boys, but, that being said, a lot of beautiful girls are mental duds. I believe that girls, more so than boys, are praised for their looks and can coast through life on them. Super hot girls just have so much less of an incentive to be smart. No need to get straight A's to get positive attention everyday. I've even had one tell me that she wishes now that her dad had pushed her to do well in school like he pushed her brothers, but he just didn't. Anyways, I'm not saying that intelligence and attractiveness are mutually exclusive in girls, I'm just saying that the cuter the girl, the more likely she is to be a few fries short of a Happy Meal)

Anyways, back to the super hot girl in the ward. All the other girls in the ward straight-up hate her. Oh how they hate her. Probably because half the boys in the ward are drooling all over her. But no self-respecting girl would openly admit that. Instead they will attack her immodesty or unrighteousness or ditzy personality or whatever else.

You know who else all these girls hate? The troop of boys constantly doting on her. So that is the risk that I have to balance. Of course I want get to know her just in case she is not just another dumb blonde, but at the same time, I know if I start flirting with her all the other girls will be like:

And then I'll have to be like:
Mitt Romney’s Eldest Son, Tagg, Says He Wanted To Punch Obama During The Debate

and after a few minutes of that, I'll have to give them one of these:

and then things will just start to get really awkward.

So yeah, I'm not sure if I want that to happen.

Sunday, September 22, 2013

Why Young Single Adults Often Act Like Young Single Children

I recently read a blog post The Infantilisation of Young Single Adults on a website that uses an alliteration similar to mine (just for the record, I didn't know this other blog existed when I created mine or else I totally would have went with "The Virile Virgin View" instead of "The Male Mormon Mind). Anywho, the post discusses how the YSA tend to act as and be treated as children (or at least not true adults). A major focus of the post is how YSA  activities are often like blanket forts, bingo, finger painting, scavenger hunts, Uno, and nap time; instead of just solid adult conversation.

I think the childish activities can be partially explained by 2 factors:

1.We all agree that scavenger hunts are appropriate fun-time activities for younger children. In the general populace however, these fun-time activities are gradually replaced by the new fun-time activities of drugs, sex, and rock &roll. In contrast, mormons must abstain from these new fun-time activities (okay maybe we can dabble in a little rock&roll, but just a little!). Today's average college student was making blanket forts fifteen years ago, and now they are getting wasted and trying to get laid. Today's average BYU student was making blanket forts fifteen years ago, and now they are still making blanket forts (but now with the opposite sex! Watch out!).

2. Mormons young single adults (especially in Utah, and special especially in Utah County) have a problem with trying to be too creative in their activities/dates. For some reason we are not satisfied with just a meal and conversation as the post's author suggested. Apparently we go on/to so many dates/activities that it just gets banal for many of us. We want to stand out. We want to be fun. We want to be quirky (which is really cool right now).

Put it all together and it makes sense that this is how the YSA act.

Sunday, September 15, 2013

How To Ask Out A Girl: 5 Simple Steps

I’ve heard many a girl complain about the dearth of boys asking girls on dates. As if boys can just magically ask out girls with a wave of their hand. As if it were as easy as shooting fish in a barrel.

Well let me ask you something? Have you ever shot fish in a barrel? How about just one fish? Have you shot a single fish in a barrel? Do you even know anyone that has? No??? Well if it was that easy, why has no one done it? Where is someone supposed to find a barrel these days anyways? Much less one filled with fish.

Sorry to break it to you sisters, but asking out girls is not easy. It is hard work and it gets complicated. So to make it more manageable, I came up with a step-by-step guide.

Step 1: Acquiring a target

This assumes you already want to go on a date, which could be a step in and of itself. If you are having a hard time finding the desire to go on dates, just attend any ward or stake fireside, you will soon find that you have an enormous feeling of guilt for being single and will be just chomping on the bit to ask out the next female that walks your way.

Anyways, you need to find a girl you want to go on a date with. Unfortunately, they might not just show up at your apartment for you perusal. You have to go to activities, church, class, and parties (all onerous chores). Once at these social interactions, you have to actually look at and talk to other people (what a drag). You may or may not be impressed with what you see and hear. Well you just have to keep slogging away until you find The Target.

Step 2: Doing your homework

Once you have The Target in your scope, you need to make sure you are allowed to "bust a cap in it" as my hood friends say. In the real world you can’t go hunting and shoot everything that moves. You have a permit to shoot one specific species, age, and gender of an animal (can’t be having people pumping the endangered female African swallow full of bird-shot, now can we?).

That cute redhead you met at church today, she could be the 2nd councilor’s wife (totally happened to me once). The blonde you met at the party last night very well could be in high school still (totally happened to my roommate). You need to make sure they are single, Mormon, and at least 18 (okay 17, who am I kidding? We round up to the nearest even number around here. Plus by the time you get married she’ll probably be 18 right?)

What makes this even more difficult is that a desirable target is more likely to be an ineligible target, that’s just how it works. So you need to: ring check, google, Facebook stalk, observe, Actual stalk, contact NSA, and everything else to make sure she is in the clear. You don’t want to be hitting on the girl going on a mission the next week (Dang you Opera!) or the girl who just got engaged (everyone says that just because there is a goalie doesn’t mean you can’t score. I think that is stupid. Just because a guy is 300lbs doesn’t mean you can’t kick him in the balls, but you don't).

Step 3: Maneuvering into position

So just to recap, by now you know your target and you know you have a permit for the target. Now it’s all about getting a clear shot.

Two problems: 1) girls travel in herds and 2) there are dozen other hunters jockeying for position to get that clear shot at the same girl.

Two examples: 1) I was at ward activity yesterday, wanting to ask out/get the number of Yoga girl. The activity ended and Yoga girl was in a group of like 5 dudes chatting way. Having no wing-men with me and not really knowing anyone in the group, I decided against inserting myself into that situation. Instead, I saw she was about to leave. So went into the outer hallway waiting to intercept her. Unfortunately also in the outer hallway was a member of the bishopric, who of course intercepted yoga girl before I could (C-blocked by the 1st councilor? Who would have guessed). Semi-desperate, I waited outside the building close to the parking lot and played with my phone (subtle right?), again hoping to intercept her. But yet again she was pre-intercepted by the daintiest fellow I have ever seen (he had the hips of a prepubescent girl). At that point I gave up and went home.

2) Today after church I was in no mood to mess around. I went straight up to Yoga, cordially introduced myself to her three girlfriends she was sitting with, and promptly asked for her number. Which is horribly awkward btw. Why? Because it’s like saying.. “Oh hello, nice to meet You, and You, and You, and You. Uh yeah well anyways, I only want YOUR number and all the rest of you can drop dead for all I care."

Step 4: Making your pitch

You gotta pull the trigger. Now is not the time to get to buck fever (as they say in the hunting world) and fall apart. Calm down and don’t even think about how your pride is on the line. Don’t worry that she is totally going to tell her roommates everything you say wrong and that they are going to all laugh in those high pitched girly laughs. Especially don’t think about your roommates watching you from the across the room ready to laugh at you. Whatever you do, do not think about the chance that she has no desire to spend time with you and is dreading your call.

Thinking about any of that would be disastrous. So just don’t.

Step 5: See Step 1

How Do You Ask A Girl Out?

Sunday, September 8, 2013

Five Second or Less

I noticed something about myself today during church. Arriving a few minutes early, I took my seat and kinda zoned out. Every so often a girl would enter the room and I (newly on the prowl) would of course check her out. After all, this is a new ward and I'm still trying to figure out what kind of selection this ward offers.

Okay none of these things were a revelation to me, I already knew that I looked around and checked out the dating prospects when in a new ward (as everyone does, you can't tell me otherwise). What I discovered about myself was that I completed this process with surprising speed. It only took me literally five seconds or less to evaluate a girl (I know what you are thinking, "What efficiency!" "What great visual evaluation skills!").

So when I check out a girl, I automatically put her into one of four groups:

1. Unicorns: "Have my babies." These are the girls that I am so attracted that I automatically know I want to go on a date with them. No need to talk to them first. But as the name suggests, this a very rare breed indeed. (less than 1% of the female population)

2. Curiosities: "Well hello there." I like what I see and want to investigate further. This my bread and butter. These are the girls I am usually interested in, flirting with, and eventually asking out on a day-to-day basis. (Maybe 5%)

3. Invisibles: "......" Basically these girls are not really on my radar. The first time I saw them it didn't really pique my interest, but it didn't turn me off either. (~20%)
4. Spirits of Sweetness:  "No thanks." I have already decided in those first few seconds that I am not going to be interested in them. (66%)

Even more brutal is the movement between the groups, because membership in a group is not a life sentence. Overwhelming the movement among the groups is downward. For example, I accidentally have an actual conversation with a Unicorn and it turns out she doesn't have two IQ points to rub together. That's going to move her down. I see a Curiosity a few more times and decide that I'm not that attracted to her after all. Down she goes. Upward movement is so much more rare.

Is it horrible that I think I like this? Is it horrible I so quickly assign girls to these groups?

Heck no, I am just figuring out who I want to date and who I don't want to date. Who else does this? Oh that's right, everyone. Just because I have examined my thought processes, and named and quantified everything doesn't make it horrible. It just makes it introspective.

Wednesday, September 4, 2013

It's Over

Opera has finally left Provo. So I guess that's over. Although it doesn't feel over for some reason. But really it's over.

You always hear stories about meeting "the one", where everything clicks. Where your 5 hour conversations feel like 5 minutes. Where the mundane becomes interesting. Where you are totally honest with each other and share all your secrets (except maybe the ones about secret blogs). Well what they fail to tell you is that after you meet that person, they ditch you to go on a freaking mission......

I'M SO DEPRESSED!!!!!! I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't tie my shoes, I can't even spell Missippippi!

Okay, so maybe I'm not depressed and maybe I can tie my shoes laces (Sike! Velcro!). Oh summer flings, what can you do? I'm actually pretty good at getting over girls and moving on. You always need to have a plan b (Yoga girl). Nothing helps you forget a girl like crushing on new girls!

Here's to a new ward and a new semester.

Sunday, September 1, 2013

The Old New Ward Drill

Ahhhhhh's the that time again. New ward and new hopes. Isn't the first Sunday in the new ward awesome and terrible at the same time? Does anyone have a spiritual experience their first week in a singles ward? There is so much rubbernecking going from all scoping out of all the potential dating prospects, and people don't even try to be discrete about it. Distracting. Its like waiting and finally seeing what hand you were dealt in a high stakes game of Poker (or Scum if you don't know what Poker is haha). Here its is. This is what you have to work with.

People always ask me, "how's the ward?" and I sure hope they know that 90% of how I (everyone else if they are honest) judge a singles ward is based on what the dating prospects are like in that ward. If its overflowing with hotties, I'm going to say the ward is great (and my attendance to church and activities is going to be stellar). If its one of those more aesthetically challenged wards, then I going to say its not great. Its is the main thing that differentiates singles wards. Honestly, my spirituality is my responsibility, and I can religiously have a great experience at any BYU ward. Every ward is going to have the bitter self-righteous girls, the over eager recent RM's, the creepy guy, the semi-active bros, the young naive ditzy girls, but getting that extra apartment or two of cute girls can make or break a semester.

Of course, the first Sunday also inevitably becomes a big flirt fest, with everyone jockeying for position to stake their claim for the cutest girls/guys (Its like 17th century Africa up in the joint, straight up land grab). Which is fine, I can flirt with the best of them, but I just hate how within 3 weeks there will be 10 new couples formed. I like to get to know the field and observe before jumping in head first. Unfortunately that is not an option at BYU, you got to act fast! You don't want to be the only one left standing in this game of social musical chairs. Cute Suzy Q is flirting with you this week, but by next week she could be snogging with Johnny from next door. Oh well, Suzy is a floozie anyways. Screw Suzy.