Sunday, September 15, 2013

How To Ask Out A Girl: 5 Simple Steps

I’ve heard many a girl complain about the dearth of boys asking girls on dates. As if boys can just magically ask out girls with a wave of their hand. As if it were as easy as shooting fish in a barrel.

Well let me ask you something? Have you ever shot fish in a barrel? How about just one fish? Have you shot a single fish in a barrel? Do you even know anyone that has? No??? Well if it was that easy, why has no one done it? Where is someone supposed to find a barrel these days anyways? Much less one filled with fish.

Sorry to break it to you sisters, but asking out girls is not easy. It is hard work and it gets complicated. So to make it more manageable, I came up with a step-by-step guide.

Step 1: Acquiring a target

This assumes you already want to go on a date, which could be a step in and of itself. If you are having a hard time finding the desire to go on dates, just attend any ward or stake fireside, you will soon find that you have an enormous feeling of guilt for being single and will be just chomping on the bit to ask out the next female that walks your way.

Anyways, you need to find a girl you want to go on a date with. Unfortunately, they might not just show up at your apartment for you perusal. You have to go to activities, church, class, and parties (all onerous chores). Once at these social interactions, you have to actually look at and talk to other people (what a drag). You may or may not be impressed with what you see and hear. Well you just have to keep slogging away until you find The Target.

Step 2: Doing your homework

Once you have The Target in your scope, you need to make sure you are allowed to "bust a cap in it" as my hood friends say. In the real world you can’t go hunting and shoot everything that moves. You have a permit to shoot one specific species, age, and gender of an animal (can’t be having people pumping the endangered female African swallow full of bird-shot, now can we?).

That cute redhead you met at church today, she could be the 2nd councilor’s wife (totally happened to me once). The blonde you met at the party last night very well could be in high school still (totally happened to my roommate). You need to make sure they are single, Mormon, and at least 18 (okay 17, who am I kidding? We round up to the nearest even number around here. Plus by the time you get married she’ll probably be 18 right?)

What makes this even more difficult is that a desirable target is more likely to be an ineligible target, that’s just how it works. So you need to: ring check, google, Facebook stalk, observe, Actual stalk, contact NSA, and everything else to make sure she is in the clear. You don’t want to be hitting on the girl going on a mission the next week (Dang you Opera!) or the girl who just got engaged (everyone says that just because there is a goalie doesn’t mean you can’t score. I think that is stupid. Just because a guy is 300lbs doesn’t mean you can’t kick him in the balls, but you don't).

Step 3: Maneuvering into position

So just to recap, by now you know your target and you know you have a permit for the target. Now it’s all about getting a clear shot.

Two problems: 1) girls travel in herds and 2) there are dozen other hunters jockeying for position to get that clear shot at the same girl.

Two examples: 1) I was at ward activity yesterday, wanting to ask out/get the number of Yoga girl. The activity ended and Yoga girl was in a group of like 5 dudes chatting way. Having no wing-men with me and not really knowing anyone in the group, I decided against inserting myself into that situation. Instead, I saw she was about to leave. So went into the outer hallway waiting to intercept her. Unfortunately also in the outer hallway was a member of the bishopric, who of course intercepted yoga girl before I could (C-blocked by the 1st councilor? Who would have guessed). Semi-desperate, I waited outside the building close to the parking lot and played with my phone (subtle right?), again hoping to intercept her. But yet again she was pre-intercepted by the daintiest fellow I have ever seen (he had the hips of a prepubescent girl). At that point I gave up and went home.

2) Today after church I was in no mood to mess around. I went straight up to Yoga, cordially introduced myself to her three girlfriends she was sitting with, and promptly asked for her number. Which is horribly awkward btw. Why? Because it’s like saying.. “Oh hello, nice to meet You, and You, and You, and You. Uh yeah well anyways, I only want YOUR number and all the rest of you can drop dead for all I care."

Step 4: Making your pitch

You gotta pull the trigger. Now is not the time to get to buck fever (as they say in the hunting world) and fall apart. Calm down and don’t even think about how your pride is on the line. Don’t worry that she is totally going to tell her roommates everything you say wrong and that they are going to all laugh in those high pitched girly laughs. Especially don’t think about your roommates watching you from the across the room ready to laugh at you. Whatever you do, do not think about the chance that she has no desire to spend time with you and is dreading your call.

Thinking about any of that would be disastrous. So just don’t.

Step 5: See Step 1

How Do You Ask A Girl Out?

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