Sunday, November 24, 2013

Why I Like Having Female Friends, But Can't Have Them

I really cherish my female friends. Especially right now while I am single. There are some great things about a girl's company that I don’t get in my largely male dominated major, job, and apartment. Specifically there are two reasons why I love to talking to girls:

  • Very different perspective on things. Honestly this blog is called the MALE mormon mind, but I find the female mind fascinating.
  • Empathy and caring you just don't get from dudes. I could certainly share my vulnerabilities and insecurities (I actually have no vulnerabilities or insecurities, so this is more of a hypothetical situation) with my bronies, but my bronies would at very least be weirded out and would be very likely to laugh at me. And that's fine. Whereas girls seem to love a well-placed confession of vulnerability (not that I would know cuz I've never had any such thing to confess).

Despite all the value I place on having lady friends, I have almost zero close lady friends. Why? I blame my rugged good looks and charm.....But really I do. I have a bad habit of making all my female friends fall violently in love with me. It’s horrible. I had put my foot down and stop having close females friends. It was all I could do to protect them from my awesomeness. It is a sad sacrifice, but I had to do it.

I'm only like 90% kidding; it really is a problem for me at BYU. No one is content with being friends here. Heck I wouldn't be content with being just friends. Everyone has probably already seen that video made by the USU peeps, and the BYU semi parody, but ever since high school, I've had the theory that it is impossible for people of the opposite sex to be super close friends and just friends where both parties are content not wanting anything more, with a few exceptions:

  1. If one or both are gay
  2. If you are related
  3. If someone is already taken (e.g. my sister-in-law, or my friend's girlfriend)
  4. If there is a large enough age gap
  5. If there is some other thing that excludes them from romantic consideration.
  6. If both people think the other is extremely ugly, and I mean butt-ugly.

In almost any other case, you might get away with it for a while, but eventually feeling always develop and bam! You're in Sucksforeveryoneville.

Currently my best lady friend is not LDS and it kind of has to be that way. Even though she is gorgeous, brilliant, and one of the coolest people I know, the fact that we have the major religion gap excludes us from each other’s dating pools. Besides that, it’s pretty much just the girlfriends of roommates and the wives of ex-roommates (who are awesome of course) to get me by. Kind of sad, but necessary.

Speaking of sad there is this video below. It’s a sad song with an adorable video. It has almost nothing to do with this post, but the lunch box the guy has at the 1:24 mark is dope.

Sunday, November 17, 2013

Making Eyes

When I was a freshman, my friends and I had a game, the "staring game". Basically whenever we were at an event in a big group of strangers (concert, football game, etc) we would try to start staring contests with random cute girls. It literally was just picking a cute girl and looking at her until she looked at you, and then NOT LOOKING AWAY. And it was great. They would always look away quickly at first, but they also would always come back for a second look. And guess what? I was there waiting for them, holding my gaze. As creepy as the game seems, it was astounding how effective it was.

I no longer play the "staring game", but I do (as everyone does) get into some staring situations. There is the whole getting caught staring at your crush and then acting like you totally were not staring at them situation:

Then there is the accidentally staring at someone and then worrying that they think you are crushing on them when you totally were not. For example, today I was in church and I accidentally made eye contact with a girl. It was even a cute girl (she has these tired eyes like she's constantly about to fall asleep and I think its hot, you know what I mean? I feel like you don't, but I thats alright). At the same time though, I have no plans to make a move on Droopy Eyes and therefore do not want her to think anything (anything at all, no thoughts, brain dead). We both quickly look away.

Now I knew from my younger years that she will look my way again. They always do, it is impossible not to check and see if someone who you think is staring at you, is still staring at you (especially when that someone has one of those faces, and I have one of those faces). So there I was, sitting there thinking to myself "Do not look at Droopy Eyes. Do not look at Droopy Eyes. She will look back at you and when she does you can not be looking at her". And I was doing so good, I really was. But in a moment of weakness I stole a quick glance at her, and at that exact second she decided to look back and we locked peepers again.

At this point I am trying so hard to not look at her that I am more or less constantly looking at her. I swear we lock eyes another 4 times before the closing prayer. It was terrible. A vicious cycle that just wouldn't stop. She probably thinks I want have droopy eyed babies with her! But I don't, and now I'm never going to talk to her again.

Sunday, November 10, 2013

Mistaken As A Boy's Girlfriend's Boyfriend

So just to set the stage, I was just walking through the Wilk, minding my own business and out of the corner of my eye, I see a guy pointing at me. But not recognizing him, I am pretty sure he is not actually pointing at me. I do one of those quick look-arounds to see who he was pointing at, but there is no one around. Looking back at him, I realize he is in fact pointing at me. Now I don't get pointed at very often so I wasn't sure what to do next. 
Eventually I decide to approach him slowly. He meanwhile gets up from his table and uh....walks toward me. I hesitate to say walk cuz he is in like full on flex mode as he moves his body toward me. Almost exactly like this picture, only with more clothing. So naturally I start flexing back thinking this is some mating ritual.

  As I get right up to him, I suddenly recognize him from a party I went to months ago. He remembers my name and I don't remember his (how embarrassing). Our dialogue:

He says, "You're that one smart guy at the party" (I swear he said that haha)
Me: "Maybe?"
Muscle Man McGee: "When are you done with the ---------- program"
Me:"Uh I graduate this year"
Muscles: "Cool man, you remember that dance party man? That was fun huh?"
Me: "Yeah that was fun"
Muscles: "Hey were you dating Opera at that party?"
Myself: "Oh no, I don't even know if we had gone on a date at that point..."
Muscles:"Oh I thought you guys were dating"
I:"Nope, I was just in her ward. We only ever went on like 1 real date."
Muscles: "You guys keep in touch?"
Me"Uhhh not really"

So I might have been a little misleading with the guy because 1) I certainly had more of a relationship with girl than I was letting on (although we def did not date) and 2) I have been writing her (somewhat). I was hoping that after he found out that I was not a threat he would stop flexing (no dice), I swear that kid was going to pop a blood vessel.

Muscles: "Yeah I thought she was dating me and dating you at the same time and that made me mad." (looking back he was surprisingly nice to me at the party considering he thought I was his girlfriend's boyfriend)
Me: "Nope"
Muscles: "Yeah I was really into her, but she wasn't into me. The first time I asked to her out she turned me down flat...."

At this time a random professor walks by and Muscles stops in mid sentence, tells me, "Don't go anywhere"(its like he knew that I totally would have left had he not specifically instructed me not to do so) and talks to this professor for 10 minutes about their D&C class while I stand there. My favorite part was when they finished the conversation and the professor does this to me:
I kid you not, the professor lifted his hand up in a freaking claw. Not in a "high-five" or "fist-bump" configuration, but in some freaky-deaky half way thing. What the heck do you do in response to a claw? Riddle me that. Well being the true bro that I am, I was not about to leave him hanging, so I do a quick mini high-five to his palm, avoiding his curled fingers all together. He accepted my response, turned and left without saying another word. Highlight of my day, although now in hindsight I kinda wish I had interlocked fingers with him.

And with that Muscles continues on about how Opera contacted him after she broke up with her fiance, and how it took her so long to respond to his text, and how he had a system where every five days he would call or text her and how after 2 weeks she finally called him back (the system works!). On the first date he thinks he could have kissed her and he wanted to kiss her (been there, done that), but he didn't cuz he was confused. The dance party was after that and that was going to be the make or break for him (although apparently not). But because he thought Opera were dating me and snubbing him, he decided not to talk to her again. (Whew! This is a lot of unsolicited info from a complete stranger (and rival to boot!))

He went on to tell me about his love of opera (the music, the not the girl) and about the horrible achne on his back. It was really a great conversation for everyone involved. No wait on second thought, it was the weirdest freaking conversation of my life.

Sunday, November 3, 2013

Dating For The Sake Of Dating

Things have been crazy lately people. Between school, work and everything else I've been doing to make sure I'm rich and successful for the rest of my life, I have not had a lot of time for anything else.

One of the things that have fallen by the wayside is my dating life. Whenever I haven't been on a date for a week or two I start to get anxious. I feel like if I am not going on a date every week then I am not trying hard enough. I wonder why I feel like this. Like why in the world would a single guy at BYU feel like he needs to ask out a girl every week? Its not like I am told constantly that I need to date more and that its my fault if I am not married, and that I am pretty much sinning when I am not dating. No, that would be crazy.

Sooo yeah, I really do feel bad if I am not active on the dating scene. What inevitably happens is I go on a date for the sake of going on date, to assauge my guilt. The problem is, these dates are always horrible. I always ask girls I am not super interested in, and then I subconsiously resent the fact that I am being "forced" to go on the date and become even less interested in the girl. By the time the day of the date comes around, I am dreading the whole thing. No bueno. That not productive for me or the poor girl.

I refuse to do any more dating for the sake of dating! All those dating firesides be danged! Only dating for the sake of wanting to spend time with a girl I am interested in. Or maybe for the sake of the occasional hook-up. Just kidding. But really, a man has needs. But not this man. Most of the time. We'll see.

Confession: I think my current dating slump is partially due to Opera. It seems like I miss her more than I anticipated. Actually I am not even sure if I miss her. I just really liked talking to her, and all the girls I've talked to since she left have all been blahhh. Does that mean I miss her? Does this mean I'm hung up on a sister missionary of all people? Because I liked talking to her? Oh barf