Sunday, December 21, 2014

Feeding Frenzy

Something I have noticed being in this new ward of slim pickings, whenever there is a new/visiting girl that is attractive, guys just lose it. Like as soon as the last syllable of the closing prayer ends its just a horde of dudes bum rushing the poor girl. Total feeding frenzy.

Not unlike this one with monkeys and potatoes in Japan:

monkey animated GIF

I actually think its embarrassing. I am much too prideful to ever join such a display but sometimes I want to join just to hear what has to be wonderfully awkward conversations. Like how is a conversation not awkward when you are trying to talk to a girl and there is 5 other guys joining in and 5 more lurking nearby waiting for their chance.

It so blatant I just know the girls in the ward have to hate it.

So today a new guy sat near me in church and we started to chat. We had a good number of mutual friends from BYU and we both were from the same state and became fast friends. Also I'm not the best judge of these things, but it seemed to me that he was a very attractive looking dude (another thing we have in common).

I quickly thought that this would be my chance to see if the sisters in the ward were as dejected with their selection of men in the ward as the brothers apparently are with their selection of women.

I have to give the ladies credit, they didn't immediately surround the dude (although I wouldn't expect that from coy Mormon girls), but I did see a large number of girls giving my new friend the eyes in not so subtle ways.


And as church progressed, more and more of them worked up the nerve to actually talk to him. To the point that I think it is safe to say that the girls in the ward were not especially different from the boys. Now the question is, with not a lot of dating going on and so many people just salivating at the idea of any new person, what is fundamentally wrong with this ward?

Sunday, December 7, 2014

The Kind Of Girl I Want To Marry

First let’s be clear, I'm very picky when it comes to girls. There are all kinds of attributes I look for in girls (for example: she needs to have a BMI of at most 7, an ACT score of at least 37, and exactly 10 fingers (All reasonable and quantifiably objective demands)).

Well that stuff is all fine and good but I learned a valuable lesson on my mission that has stuck with me to this day about the kind of girl I want to marry.

Story time:

My first day at the MTC I was made the district leader of my district and I was only 18 at the time (this was before it was cool to go on your mission at 18). In my district were 3 companionships of elders (one of which was a threesome) and 2 companionships of sisters (one of which was a threesome). Something very stereotypical happened: the threesome of sisters did not get along. In fact, they hated each other. The other companionship of sisters also had problems, but nothing like those three. And I, the 18 year old straight out of high school, had to deal with their crap. IT WAS INSANITY I TELL YOU.

The biggest thing I took away from this experience was how each sister reacted to stress. They were all under stress from being separated from their friends/families/boyfriends, having to learn a new language, and deal with new people/rules/environments. That was understandable and legitimate. But thing is we were all in the same boat, we all were feeling the same stresses more or less, but different people reacted differently.

Three of the sisters seemed to be of the opinion that because they were stressed and having to do a hard thing, it was now everyone’s problem and everyone needed to suffer. It was license for them to be horrible to other people and hilariously selfish. Instead of trying to solve their problems or (heaven forbid) help others, they were hell bent on making everything worse.

It blew my mind. I was flabbergasted that people would act that way.

Two of the sisters were awesome. Not freaking out, actively trying to solve problems, not putting their problems above everyone else’s, trying to reach out their companions, helping others.

Now for the craziest part. For like the first week I thought all the sisters were awesome. I had no idea. I couldn't tell which ones were horrible and which ones were awesome.

End of story time.

Do you know how scary that is? As much as we all complain about dates, they are pretty low stress affairs. You don’t get to see the stressed out side of people very easily. The person has to be both comfortable with you and stressed out to show you their true colors. (Also, I know this a thing with both genders, although in my limited experience it seems to be more pronounced and scary (lolz, but really) in females).

The problem is finding what kind of person my date is before I get too involved with them. So far my strategy of purposely getting into a car “accident” on the first date has not been very effective due to a high fatality rate (it HAS turned out to be an effective test of who wears seatbelts (I DO!)) and besides it’s so darn expensive. 

Okay that’s a lie, I have not resorted to manufacturing stress during dates, although it’s tempting. But I do actually welcome stressful situations on dates, because aren’t dates supposed to be for getting to know each other? Well take my word for it, you don’t know someone until you have seen them stressed.

Also, wear your seat belt. Always a good idea. 

Wednesday, November 26, 2014

Multi-Stake Dance

So there was a Multi-Stake YSA dance in my area recently and I was excited. I love dancing and I had prepared some extra special moves for the occasion.

happy dance animated GIF

But it wasn't just the opportunity to bust a move that had me excited. I have yet to meet anyone in my current ward that I am interested in and this was an opportunity to broaden my dating horizons. Multi-Stake = tons of wards = tons of girls = at least a few cute girls right? I liked my chances.

I was coming straight from the airport and I wanted to text my roommates ahead of time (but not while driving, cuz that's just straight ig-nant) to ask how it was going and if there were hotties available to be wooed through the language of dance. But my phone was dead, so I was flying in blind. 

Now this isn't my first rodeo. I have these church dances down to a science. 

My Dance Gameplan:

1.Establish a home base early. This is the safe zone. This is your group of homies and close friends. You dance with this group while scouting out the landscape and determining which girl to creep up on.
2. Venture out from home base and introduce yourself to targeted girl. Impress her with your sweet dance moves and your witty remarks that YOU YELL AT THE TOP OF YOUR LUNGS BECAUSE THE MUSIC IS SO LOUD.
3. Get her number.
4. Return to home base for high fives
5. Repeat with the next girl you scope out.
6. Start getting sweaty from going too hard on the dance floor.
7. Take a song off  (you deserve it!) and get a drink of water to cool down
7. Once cooled down go back to home base.
8. Act like you are grinding up behind your male friend, make everyone laugh.
9. Actually grind up behind a female stranger, make everyone look at you disapprovingly.
10. Keep on requesting "Don't Stop Believing" by Journey
11. Leave before the dance ends because you have other cool plans that night

Let me tell you right now, things did not go according to plan.

Problem number 1. I could not establish a home base. My roommates are no where to be found. I checked everywhere, but nothing. The only people I knew are some sweet spirits from my ward. I can't set up home base with them! They won't give me high fives if I leave them to get the digits of some other girls. Its unacceptable.

So I just kinda stand there at the edge of the dance floor, frowning and arms crossed trying to see someone I knew/any cute girls.

Eventually I took notice of the disc jockey. It was literally a middle aged mom of 5. No joke it was a wife of one of the counselors in my ward. Below is a chart representing the sick beats she was laying down: 

Tom Hanks – Really?

Honestly the most hip thing she played all night was the Space Jam Theme song, and that was a request!

So not an ideal situation. But I wasn't giving up just yet. Even though my friends and roommates were not there, and DJ "For the Strength of the Youth" (her street name) was playing "Everything I do, I do it for you" for the second time that night, I was determined to use the opportunity to meet a cute girl.

So I looked and looked, but the only semi-cute girls also looked like they were 15, so that wasn't going to fly. I started to think about how freaking weird and awkward all these people looked. I literally started laughing, wishing I could show my non-member colleagues. It was like the most goofy and unattractive group of 18-30 year olds ever assembled. Then I realized this was a snapshot of the desolate wasteland that is the Mormon singles scene outside of the Mormon Zone (Utah-Arizona-Idaho-California). This is my future.

Crying Mrw animated GIF

Sunday, October 26, 2014

Keeping My Skills Up

Week 12 of being dateless. I don't remember the last time I went this long between dates, maybe the mission? It has been a famine people!

Its not even that I'm afraid of never getting married.  With this face and this bod? Are kidding me? Forget about it.

No but really I am concerned about losing my game. My skills. My ability to smoothly and effectively make women fall madly and hopelessly in love with me. 

Like they say, if you don't use it, you lose it. And I have not been using diddly squat in my new ward. So this Sunday I decided to talk to a girl. You know, just to make sure I still have it.

Well within minutes of taking my seat at church a cutish girl sits right next me. I've seen her a few times before, but had decided she wasn't quite cute enough to ask out. But since she was probably the cutest girl at church that day, she was perfectly cute enough for my test to make sure I could still hold a conversation with a girl. So at appropriate times I chatted her up being funny, profound, smart, easy-going, witty and also a great listener. Or at least that's what I was going for. I would like to also note that I was trying to be flirty per se. I didn't want to cross the line of "leading" her on. I just wanted her to develop a crush on me from 5 minutes of talking. Anyways after our 5 minutes were up, I was pretty sure she wanted me to ask for her number, but I didn't. 

Fast forward to tonight and she messages me on the facebook giving me her number and telling me to call her whenever I want. 


Turns out, I still have it.

Sunday, October 12, 2014

Free John!

We’ve all been there. You'll be watching a movie on your couch, eating your chips (or whatever is your snack of choice), minding your own business and all of a sudden your roommate and his/her BF/GF join you on the couch. And next thing you know you are in one of these situations:

 You suddenly realize you have all the snacks to yourself.

Especially if you happen to be single, these overly affectionate roommates can be quite annoying. In which case you can just pull one of these:

pda animated GIF

That will teach them!

But dear friends, that is not my current problem. My problem is actually the opposite. My roommate, John, who is an absolute stud (do people still say "stud"?) has a girlfriend. She’s a cool, attractive girl. He’s a cool attractive dude. But I’m not sure if they find each other attractive. Let me esplain:

Last week the three of us were watching conference at our apartment, they on the couch. Me at our table, eating my chips like a boss. At some point I realized that John and his girlfriend were not touching. Like they weren't on opposite sides of couch or anything. They were relatively close to each other, they just were not touching. Which seemed weird to me. No touching at all? Not even a little cuddling? You could totally fit a Book of Mormon in between those two.

Okay maybe they were just being sensitive to me being there, even though I was not on the couch with them. But then I though back and I couldn't remember ever seeing them snuggling, kissing or holding hands. I started to paying a borderline creepy level of attention to their affection to each other. I might have even purposely came home late while they were watching a movie together on our couch, just to see if I could catch them showing any signs off affection. Nothing. So then I went to my room and after a while popped my head back in the living room unannounced to check on them again. Just tying to sneak a peak at any evidence of attraction between those two.

Owl Gif animated GIF

Sadly, in the whole week of intense observation I only saw a brief side hug as they parted. A SIDE HUG FOR HEAVENS SAKE! Side hugs are for relatives you don't like and friends that smell bad.

Important to note they have been dating for over 6 months, and I know they kissed at least once (he told me, it was shortly after they started dating (OMG, maybe he lied?). But they are either keeping it super discreet, or are just not affectionate at all. Maybe because they both are happy with that level of affection (aka zero affection) or maybe they could be just trying to stay pure (seems like what they are doing is overkill).

Either way its is bothering me. When I examine why its bothering me so much and why I don't just mind my own business, I can think of 3 reasons:

  1. I really have a hard time believing that it is John driven, and so I just feel bad that John, a good friend and a true bro, is being deprived of any physical affection.
  2. When I have girlfriends, or even sometimes just girls I'm hanging out with, I cuddle with them during movies! Sometime (okay a lot of times) I even make out with them! And I enjoy it by golly! I don't want to be ashamed if I ever have a girlfriend and John is still my roommate.
  3. Again because I feel like John wants to be more affectionate but his GF is putting a stop to it, I just don't want to live in a world where that is an option. I don't want to fall for some cool attractive girl and then we start dating only to find out she won't touch me. For all of HotAngry's faults (like being a lying whore), she was super affectionate and I LOVED that about her. If I have to choose between crazy girls that will be affectionate and non-crazy ones that don't want to even do the lightest of cuddling, that's a bleak future.
This is what happens when I don't have any relationships of my own to analyze, I start analyzing my roommates' relationships. All I can say is: FREE JOHN!

Sunday, September 21, 2014

I Got A Girl's Number!

So I got a girl's number this weekend. Her digits. The code to her telephone. The ability, nay the permission to call her anytime I so desire. Its my first of this new city I'm now living in.

Let's set the scene. I was invited by my (all non-member) colleagues to a party (because they love me and when you love someone, you invite them to parties). And I arrive about an hour into the party (because if you are cool, you are never the first one to show up to a party or the last one to leave) so there is quite a few people there already and they all yell my name when I walk in (because again, they love me). Most people are casually drinking but not everyone (of course not me) and its pretty chill, not rowdy and sloppy at all. So I was having a good time chatting with some guys when my good friend John arrives with a smoking hot blonde. And all the guys were like:

When you see a hot girl walk into a party

The night goes on and I get the details about The Blonde from one of my female colleagues. Supposedly The Blonde is John's off and on again "friends-with-benefits" ladyfriend. My informant also told me that she was not a fan of The Blonde. I wanted to ask if it was because The Blonde was super hot (and dressed immodestly), but I didn't because A) I didn't want to make her mad and B) I already knew the answer, of course its because she's a smoking hot!

Anyways, that was all good and fine, my curiosity had been assuaged. The night went on and The Blonde came over and started talking to me. It was weird, she still looked attractive, but as she was talking to me there was something wrong that I couldn't quite put my finger on it. Something that made her seem less visually attractive. Then I realized she was actually a dude, the pronouced Adam's apple should have been a dead give away (Haha not really, just keeping you on your toes). No really I realized that there was something wrong with her facial expressions. As time passed, I pin-pointed the disturbance in the force to her mouth. The thing didn't smile (or laugh). When it would have been the normal time for her mouth to smile or laugh, instead it looked like this.
(Just the mouth part)

I swear to you I am not making this up. It was the bizarre. The worst part was, the more I noticed that she couldn't smile, the more I couldn't stop smiling. At one point, she tries to tell John (who is now across the room) about how she and I have a mutual friend, but John doesn't seem to care. Which at first doesn't seem like that big of a deal, but then The Blonde gets all quiet and her face starts doing all kinds of weird crap. Honestly my first thought was that she might be having some kind of stroke or something. Then I thought maybe this was her face's attempt at crying (or maybe trying not crying). Either way, I felt bad. What if she had picked up on me almost laughing at her inability to laugh? But then she asked if she could have my number.

I didn't want to give it to her, but I also didn't want her face to explode from trying to express sadness. So I smoothly whipped out my phone and started a new contact so she would give me her number. Which she did (hopefully she didn't see me save it under the name, "She Who Can Not Smile") Then she started getting a little more flirty, but I pleaded fatigue and went home.

So yeah she probably had a bad plastic surgery job, maybe she has snaggle teeth, or maybe she really was going through a prolonged stroke through that whole sequence. I'll never know (at least until I ask John, or just call her and ask haha).

Sunday, September 14, 2014

My Dating Strategy For My New Ward

Going to church at BYU, I would usually be on the look out for the cute girls in the ward. I always wanted to keep tabs on them, so if an opportune opportunity for flirting arose, I could swoop in there and work my mad skillz (yes with a "z") on her. As soon as you walk into sacrament meeting or Sunday school, you have mere seconds to locate the targets and decide from a range of moves:

  • Sit in the back away from everyone (meaning I'm too cool for (Sunday) school, also I'm distant and hard to get)
  • Sit right behind the girl (not too eager, but still in range to chat up the lass)
  • Sit in front of the girl (rookie mistake, she can see you, but you can't see her or talk to her unless you turn ALL THE WAY AROUND to face her, which screams desperation and is frankly more effort than I ever exerted for any female)
  • Sit next to her (Aggressive)
  • Sit on her lap (SUPER aggressive)
Also you just want to have a clear line of sight on all the hotties so can make sure no one else has moved in and claimed them (plus, eye candy). I mean, how many times have you found out a couple was dating from seeing them hold hands or cuddle during church? The correct answer is all the times.

But that is BYU. And I am not at BYU anymore. So I have a new strategy at my current ward. Its called "Wait For A Hot Girl To Move In And Then Instantly Pounce". Basically I am not currently interested in any of the girls in my ward (which are the only mormon girls in the area), so I'm just waiting for a hot girl to move in, at which time I will pounce on that babe. 

(see what I did there?)

And let me tell you dear readers, today my prayers were answered and there was indeed a new girl in the ward. And she was hot! So I wasted no time in putting my plan to action and made a beeline to her (but of course all smooth and casual like). And just before I get to her and hit her with my best pick up line (Are you Google? Cuz you got everything I'm looking for.) I do quick ring check and of course she's got a ring on it. So I just keep walking like a boss (a very crestfallen boss, but still a boss gosh dang it!)

Are These The 43 Funniest GIFs Of All Time?

I might have to start implementing Plan B, which is the "Wait for the cute girls in my ward to break up with their boyfriends/fiances, aaaaaaaand then POUNCE!"

If that doesn't work, I'll move to Plan C, which is "Sabotage relationships of cute girls and their boyfriends, aaaaaaaand then POUNCE!"

Desperate times call for desperate measures my friends.

Sunday, September 7, 2014

The 5 Artificial Flavorings Of Dating

Artificial flavoring makes food taste better than it normally would. I'm guessing this is of vegetarians survive. As with food, dating also has factors that make people seem more desirable than they really are. Have you ever gotten super excited about someone, only for you to be totally not interested a few weeks later or whenever you really got to know them? Good chance there was some artificial flavoring involved.

Without further ado, a list of 5 common artificial flavorings:

1. Newness - Who doesn't like that new car smell! For me, a brand new girl in the ward gets a 50% boost in hotness just by virtue of being new (with rapidly diminishing returns after that). And I know it has a similar effect with women. After staring at each other for so long, its nice to get some fresh faces up in the joint. Just like Andy chose Buzz over Woody, we like our new toys.

toy story animated GIF

2. Lack of options - Hey if you are getting lonely and don't have a lot of options, just about anybody will do in a pinch. And what's more pinching than being a Mormon single adult. 

3. Urgency - In some ways, it is the opposite of newness. This is when the clock is ticking and time with each other is limited. Think of the semester ending, someone about move away, or someone about to leave on a mission. Everything moves fast and is exciting because time is so precious. Even if this person has been in the ward and available for months, we like to procrastinate. And even more than that everyone loves to have low-risk flings where if it doesn't work out, it won't matter because that person will be gone, but if it does work out, it will be a low maintenance option for the future/long distance relationship. Win-win!

judge judy animated GIF

4. Different than you and what you are use to - You have very little in common with this person and they are not like anyone you've dated before, and it excites the heck out of you (She's little bit country, I'm a little bit rock & roll, She's an uptown girl, I'm a downtown man, you get the picture). Sometimes they even don't have those annoying problems of the people you usually date, although that usually just means they have different problems you just don't know to look for yet.

napoleon dynamite animated GIF

5. Lack of availability - This person is unavailable and therefore we want them sooooooo bad! Its trite to say you always want what you can't have, but that doesn't make it any less true. Under normal, rational circumstances we might not even be interested in this person, but put them just outside our reach and we will go crazy for them.

red panda cant reach the door

Sunday, August 31, 2014

Estimating The Number Of Eligible Bachelorettes Part 2

So I moved out of Provo not too long ago. New city, new people, new opportunities, new love. I've been here long enough to have a decent feel of what the scene is like. Which means its time for another round of estimating! Estimating what you might ask? Estimating the number of eligible bachelorettes in my area. Link to my original version: here.

Alright, so first of all, there are 2 singles wards in my immediate vicinity. Of course, there are more if you are willing to travel some, but I'm not really the ward hopping type and I don't anticipate having the time to. Each ward has about 200 people in them.

Total YSA population= 400 sweater-less young people

But really only about half of those are truly active so....

400 YSA x 50% active = 200 stalwarts

Next we have to get rid of the dudes and shemales.

200 actives x 50% = 100 women in zion

Now let's adjust for age. I've never been into girls that are older than me. No real reason in particular. Its just how I roll (sorry all ya cougars!). Now for how young I will go. I honestly don't know. I feel like in some ways its an always changing floor. Gun to my head, right now I think I would say 20 is the youngest I would pursue (and only if they are mature for their age! haha). Let's just go with that. These wards are 18 to 30, with lets say an evenly distributed spread of girls across the ages. So I'm looking for girls in 5 years out the possible 12 year window.

100 righteous x (5/12) = 42 appropriately aged shemales, uh I mean females

I need to have a girl with an education and BYU-I doesn't count haha (but really). I really do want my wife to have a degree and talking to girls who haven't gone to school its not the same. Its like the intellectual sophistication is just not there. Boring. Besides, all my new colleagues/friends are all super smart kids that went to undergrad at like Ivy League schools and I would be horribly embarrassed if I dated a dumb girl. Which about a quarter this ward seems

42 not too ripe or too unripe girls - 10 girls I would be ashamed of = 32 nerds

Again the time has come to cut out the girls that I'm not attracted to. Not that any girl is ugly, I'm just not attracted to all of them. Every girl is a daughter of God and beautiful in her own way. Awesome now that we got the obligatory coddling over with, let me tell you things are rough here. You know that feeling you get when you see someone and you are like, "Daaaaang girl, you got fries with that shake?" Yeah I don't have that feeling anymore, or at least not since I've moved, or at least at least not at church. At BYU, I very scientifically determined I was attracted to approximately 25% of all girls. At my current location, I am going to be really generous and say 10% (this factors in the inevitable lowering of my standards after a several months). 

32 smart enough girls x 10% = 3.2 cute enough girls

Now how many of these cute girls are single at any given time. My limited experience would suggest that most of the decent looking girls already have a boyfriend/fiance, but let's say 50%.

3.2 sweet spot girls x 50% = 1.6 single cute girls

I'm going to stop there before I start getting into fractions. So according to my analysis, there should be 1 or 2 mormon-single-active-cute-smart-girls 20 to 25 years old in my area. You only need 1 right? Of course this doesn't really take into account any personality compatibility issues (or more important, music compatibility issues). But I'm feeling optimistic tonight. At least this theoretical girl shouldn't be hard to find right?

Wish me luck.

Sunday, August 24, 2014

Reverse Tinder

So I honestly have never used Tinder, although I know how it works and find it intriguing. I just haven't felt the need or the desire to use it.

However, I was sitting with two of my female friends recently and they were on Tinder. It was funny to watch them go through and reject virtually every guy. Now neither of these girls is overly attractive, and they are both smart and nerdy. They were rejecting all these dudes that were right in their wheelhouse or maybe even "out of their league". I know the guys these two girls have dated before and they were nothing special in the looks department, usually just your run of the mill nerdy guys. So I was confused and I would ask why after each rejection but they rarely had an answer.

So I have a theory. My theory is that if they were to actually talk to some of these guys, that they would not reject nearly so many.

So I have an idea: Reverse Tinder! I think it would be more effective if the Tinder concept was reversed. First, you chat with people without knowing anything about them. Then if they seem cool from chatting, you can see their picture. Finally you can judge from there if you want to continue things.

I think this would be beneficial for both girls and boys.

Girls will reject less guys because the ice will be broken and they will be invested in the guys "personalities" or whatever girls see in guys.

For boys it will save them from themselves. I can't tell you how many times I'd be having a conversation with a hot girl and then think, "if this girl wasn't hot, I would totally think what she is saying is totally stupid". At the same time it would still give us the opportunity to filter girls on looks, which is what makes Tinder so awesome for guys (those pigs!).

Anyways, I call it Rednit and I will make millions!

Sunday, August 17, 2014

Spectrum Of Boy-Crazy-Ness

There is a spectrum of girls that goes something like this:

Super Duper Boy-Crazy     <----------------------------------------->    Proud and Happy Cat Lady

We all know those boy-crazy ones, they usually start chasing the boys young and don't stop until they are married (usually sometime during their freshman year of college (preferably in the first semester)). It doesn't take much to spot one.

The extreme Cat Lady types on the other hand are harder to identify. It gets a little murkier on the not-caring-about-boys side. There are several confounding factors if you will. Age and ugliness force you over to the right side out of mental and emotional necessity. But some girls just seem to naturally be less boy crazy than others. Why? Maybe they are more mature? More ambitious/career-oriented? More asexual? Lesbehonest, maybe something else is going on? It's anyone's guess (my personal guess is the asexual one). 

Anyways, I try to watch out for both extremes.

The Boy-crazy ones you have to question their commitment/motivation (and question if you want to marry a freshman).

The Proud and Happy Cat Ladies are more dangerous though. Quagmires of emotion they are. This girl from my hometown was one. My first Post-mission crush. I had been friends with her older sister in high school. When I got home from my mission the older sister (a boy-crazy girl) was married and the younger sister was a freshmen. And she was the most adorable little thing you ever did see. I still remember the night I fell for her. It was a warm summer night and we were having a water balloon fight (unintentional rhyme!). I was about to throw one at her from point blank and she was about to throw one at me. For a second we locked eyes (What beautiful eyes!) and it was magical. And in the moment I was in LOVE! Aaaaaand then she nailed me right in the face.

In case you were wondering, I missed with my water balloon (on purpose of course).

After that I was in hot pursuit and eventually we had a little bit of a summer fling going. The problem was at the end of the summer she left to BYU JV, also known as BYU-Idaho, and I of course did not. So our little summer fling died. Even though I wanted it to continue. So actually the bigger problem was that she wasn't super into me (or at least not enough to have a long distance relationship). Which hurt my considerable ego a bit.

Luckily, time heals all wounds (except maybe decapitation) and I feel a lot better about that particular fail. In my defense, I was fresh off my mission and my game was super rusty. I was an awkward RM (relatively speaking, my awkward RM self is to normal people, what normal people are to me now) and I couldn't expect to bag the first hot freshmen I came across. Also making me feel better is that since then, she has had zero boyfriends. In fact she has never had a boyfriend or kissed a guy. I was the closest thing she ever had to a relationship. According to her friends and family (who are my volunteer spies since they all want her to marry me), she hasn't even tried.

She has graduated college now and still nothing. You cannot go that long and look that good and not have any interest in having a boyfriend by not being far to the right on our spectrum (triple negative for the win!).

So that made me feel better about myself, until I started worrying that maybe I had turned her off from boys. OMG! What if my awkward RM self ruined boys for her! So that made me feel bad again, until I started thinking that maybe I was just so awesome no boys since have been able to compare. OMG! I am amazing!

Anyways we still talk when we are both in town. Honestly I still have a crush on her a little bit. I can't help it, its like every time I go home there is a trap waiting for me. If she liked me or some other guy I could get out, but she just doesn't. And that's why the girls to the right of the spectrum are the worst, they won't break your heart, they don't care enough too.

Sunday, August 10, 2014

That Feeling

I think most of us have had the feeling. The feeling of being left behind, the feeling of missing out, the feeling of arriving at the party too late.

fail animated GIF

My best friend from college just got engaged.

I'm not going to lie. It was a shocker. I was totally not expecting it (I was supposed to get married before him!). Of course this is not out of the ordinary. I went to BYU after all. I have watched  many most all my friends/roommates get married over the years, but none of those really affected me like this or really much at all. This is different. This guy was the rock upon which my bachelor foundation was built. And now that rock is gone, and my house is built upon sand, and when the rain comes down, the floods come up, shiz goes down.

I would like to believe, as everyone likes to believe, that they are not effected by their peers. That we are independent and in control of ourselves and don't carry what everyone else is doing!........But that's a bold-faced lie. If all our peers get married, it signals to us that we should also get married. All our friends are having babies, well its time to start having babies. Now we don't immediately do everything our peers do, but the pressure is there, sub-consciously or not. It's powerful. We take cues from those around us, its impossible not to.

Luckily in my new non-BYU/Provo life, I have an awesome group of roommates. But how long will that last? Don't get me wrong I want to get married, we all want to get married. I just don't want to rush into any hasty decisions or get married just because. At the same time, if I run out of cool roommates due to them getting married, my quality of life as a bachelor will suffer.

I was on vacation last week and I read 1 novel a day for the first 4 days. They all had prominent death and love themes. Its been messing with my mind.

I don't want to be alone.

Sunday, August 3, 2014

So I Heard That Male Mormon Men Are Horrible And Its The Church's Fault

A little while ago, I read an article entitled "For College-Age Mormons, Sexual Violence Is a Religious Problem" (I'm not going to include a link out of spite). Despite it being a stupid article that looked for the sensational story more than it looked for the objective and accurate one, it did make me think. And what better place to put my thoughts than here?

The main assertion/accusation from the article:

"In the Mormon community, teenage boys and girls are taught that preventing sexual violence is a woman’s responsibility. To preserve the morality of men, a woman must closely monitor how she dresses and speaks and acts."

There are two different sub-assertions within this assertion. First, that (the victims) girls are taught that it is their responsibility to prevent sexual violence.

Is that true?

Well I honestly don't know. Its embarrassing to admit, but I have not attended that many relief society or young women lessons (although not for lack of trying haha). Although its hard for me to imagine that it is common practice to tell our women folk that its their fault if they get assaulted and they better be righteous or else the bogey sexual assault man will get them (at the same time, I wouldn't put it past an overzealous young women's leader somewhere from trying to use that scare tactic).

Then there is the whole modesty issue. I can see how women could interpret it to mean that they are responsible for a guy's libido. "You should to dress modestly, to help men avoid temptation", but everyone knows or should know that would be a secondary reason to dress modestly.

Just for the record, I think everyone should make their own choices on what they wear and I do not condemn anyone for being modest or not modest or whatever. But at the same time, being modest absolutely helps men avoid temptation. When I first arrived at BYU from outside Mormondom, I was astonished how modest the girls were and how much that really did help me keep "pure thoughts". So there's that...

Now are boys (the perpetrators) taught that it's the girls responsibility to prevent sexual violence/sexual sinning?

Heck no. We are taught it is our fault. Its always that we are responsible for everything and that we are the ones that will screw everything up and that we need to be better. Never once are we given anyone else to blame. Girls can help by being modest, but our actions are 100% our responsibility. So regardless if girls (the victims) are stretching logic and interpreting their helping us out by being modest as they are responsible for everything, the male (the supposed perpetrators doing all the bad stuff this article is complaining about) are absolutely not taught that and no guy I know has that mindset. Maybe a few sick crazies somewhere have sick crazy logic, but the vast majority do not. No sane guy would think, "oh girls are encouraged to be modest, so its their fault if I sexually assault her" That would be insane. (Let's be honest, modesty is about clothing, and what guy is thinking about clothing that much?)

Interestingly enough, I do think I was taught that girls are inherently more righteous than boys and therefore I assumed that they would be more vigilant when it came to putting on the brakes with physical relations. "AVOID THE HORIZONTAL HAZARDS!", I was told. I was actually surprised that often I had to be the one making sure things didn't get out of hand (or was I making sure things didn't get in hand? hmmm....)

To back up the assertion/accusation, the author of the article interviewed a very very representative sample of the BYU student population, also known as the students in BYU's Young Mormon Feminists group (The most representative of all BYU student groups). Many (or maybe just 3) had stories of boyfriends getting too frisky. One even said she was felt up one night and just laid there, without saying a word. Let's be clear, that is horrible what happened to her and the guy is to blame, but if you've been taught its your responsibility to keep men pure, why did you just lay there not moving or saying a word? If you really believe its your responsibility, you did a crappy job of fulfilling your perceived responsibility.

Sexual assault is a horrible and real problem, but if what my non-mormon friends tell me is true, then the frequency and intensity of the problem is so much greater at other universities. I've had non-mormon female friends telling me how crazy respectful LDS guys are compared to the other guys at their schools who expect to have sex after the first or second date and are often very aggressive about getting it. So the same religion and culture that's causing men to blame women for sexual assaults, is also causing men to be super respectful and not sexually aggressive? Riddle me that.

In my opinion, blaming the LDS religion for the sexual assaults would be almost as stupid as guys blaming women for the sexual assaults.

But I would love to hear some female thoughts on the matter.

Sunday, July 20, 2014

How To Make A Video For The Mormon Bachelorette

So all the good ladies that are trying to become the next Mormon Bachelorette have to make videos talking about themselves and why they should be the next Mormon Bachelorette (or one of 3 apparently). So of course most of the videos are going to be painfully awkward. Mad props for them trying anyways. The thing is though, if you watch enough of the Mormon Bachelorette videos, (and I certainly have) you start to notice some things. Common themes you could say. Specifically, I have noticed four essential elements of a Mormon Bachelorette video:

  • Family -You got to mention how much you love your family, love kids, want to have a family and settle down. Basically you want to make it abundantly clear that you are would be the world's greatest mom. Bonus points for including a clip of you playing with your nieces and nephews
  • Spirituality - Make sure to mention how rock solid you are. Leave no doubt. 
  • Something about physical activity - You work out? You run marathons? Hike? Dance? Shoot guns or anything else besides sitting on your booty and Pinteresting it up? Then add it in there! You don't want people to think you are a couch potato that is just getting fat.
  • Love for travel - You LOVE traveling right? Who doesn't? And interesting people travel a lot right? Well then make sure everyone knows you have been places and seen crap.

Now I'm not trying to make fun of the videos, its just interesting how so many of them have these same elements. Basically these four things represent what these ladies think people (or guys more specifically) view as some of the most desirable traits. Right? That is why they are bringing them up and emphasizing them over and over again. What is even more interesting is comparing those four traits to what I actually consider as the most desirable traits. Obviously those 4 things above are all desirable to differing degrees, but it doesn't match up exactly with what I would find most desirable or what I look for first in a girl (nice ankles).

Sunday, July 13, 2014

Bathroom Fellowshipping

So last week at church I used the restroom (as any normal not-even-necessarily-small-bladder person would do) and before I left I checked myself in the mirror (as any normal not-even-necessarily-vain person would do). Just making sure I am looking good for the ladies (I do it all for the ladies, cuz I'm crazy altruistic like that). And surprise, surprise. I am still really handsome. Now because no one else was in the bathroom with me, I checked out my back side to make sure the back of my shirt was still properly tucked in. You know, one of these actions:

No big deal right?

Except right as I was doing that, a new investigator walks into the bathroom. Now I don't know what goes down in the girl's bathroom, but guys are not looking back at their back sides in the men's restroom. It was awkward and I should have defused the the situation by being friendly and joking about it. But I didn't do that. I panicked. It was like I was caught doing something wrong and I was startled and just bailed out of there without making eye contact or even washing my hands. (Jk that would be so gross, I totally had already washed before this happened. Just think of how many people you shake hands with at church. (Which why I extra wash my right hand)).

Fast forward to today and once again I use the bathroom at church. Again I am alone. Again I first wash my right hand because that is the #1 priority. Again I check out and adjust my backside. I'm in a different bathroom from last week that no one uses, so what are the chances? The chances are good. THE SAME FREAKING INVESTIGATOR WALKS IN ON ME! I turn to look at him.

askreddit animated GIF

This time I was calm. This time I was ready to laugh it off and explain myself. Nope. Before I could even say anything the poor dude turned right back around and out the door. He probably had seen enough and kept walking straight out to the parking lot, into his car, and drove home. I seriously didn't see him after that. Sooo......I guess I have that on my conscious now.

Sunday, July 6, 2014

Mormon Bachelorette Canidate Power Rankings

So I am kinda into the Mormon Bachelor/ette, link here. I found their previous seasons entertaining and I am excited for their current one. Right now they are in the process of selecting a Mormon Bachelorette from a group of +20 female candidates. The girl selected will in turn choose from a group of male would-be lovers (who will in turn choose from 2 different pants to wear for the finale), at least in theory.

Actually, before I get any further, let me just say that every woman is a beautiful daughter of God that deserves a perfect man and moreover deserves to be the next Mormon Bachelorette. But I am going to be ranking girls and their potential to be a successful Mormon Bachelorette (just my opinion of course, based off 2 minute videos). If you think that my ranking might make you feel bad or angry, you are free to stop reading. Although, the whole concept of the Mormon Bachelorette is kind of a ranking/judging in a way where there are many losers and few if any winners, and feelings get hurt. All of which makes it more entertaining for us, but we won't get into that.

To make this blog post a little less offensive than it is inherently destined to be (and to save time), I decided to just rank the top 6 candidates (plus a unranked list of dark horses). Some of the things I am looking for: Good looks (who ever it is has to bring all the boys to the yard, and the easiest way to do that is be hot. Let's be honest, we all know how shallow guys are, amiright?). A good personality. The right age range (the first 4 bachelor/ettes were all in the 26 to 30 age range and I doubt they would deviate too much from that formula). Intangibles. Tangibles. Fungibles. Infungibles. And finally Danimals.

Dark horse candidates (in no particular order)

Holly Nelson - Her first reason was she has 20/20 vision. I'm not impressed, I personally have 20/15 vision (get on my level!).

Jenna Gerber - Cute, seems like she would be a super cool girl. That high energy would be good for all those dates. Might be too young. Is she in Tokyo right now? If so I feel like that would be a deal breaker right? Unless its going to be exclusively Skype dates (Now there is an idea!).

Brittany Brown - Seems like she might be a tad crazy, but that double axle though!

Carolyn Banfield - Were going to blog to one song, and one song only!

Mindy Leavitt - I don't have anything to say, I just think she's a dark horse.

Top 6

6.Name: Cassidy Baker

Age: 29

Pros: Cute (enough)! BYU! Teacher of Children!

Cons: History is boring!

My favorite part of her video: I just love the picture of her on the famous Pont des Arts bridge in Paris with all those locks of love, all alone haha.

5. Name: Dani Dutson

Age: 26 (although in the video she says her favorite question is "why are you 24 and still single?")

Pros: She's cute. Teacher of kids = Good mommy potential

Cons: It looks like she owns a small dog, I'm not a fan. She went to UVU.

My favorite part of her video: In the third scene when her hair is blowing in the wind, nice touch.

4.Name: Jessica Frech

Age: 22

Pros: Super cute, great singer, seems like she could be fun, and those dimples

Neutral: Black belt in Karate, although it does make me want to fight her

Cons: With her voice and how she talks, she might be annoying, hard to tell from a video. I have a strict "Never date a girl that wants to be more famous than you" rule. Logistics coming from Nashville might be difficult and she might be too young.

My favorite part of her video: Did I already talk about the dimples?

3. Name: Tiffany Freeze (aka The Ice Queen! haha I'm sorry I had too)

Age: 29

Pros: Seems pretty attractive and possibly cool. Location and Age is right.

Cons: Her affection for cars and shopping remind me of the line from that Good Charolette song - Girls & Boys "Girls don't like boys, girls like cars and money" haha.

My favorite part of her video: Her fake teaching what I just know is an empty class room at the 0:18 mark

2. Name: Catie Shaw

Age: 25

Pros: Singer, writer, teacher, sand artist - What a resume!

Cons: All spiders should die. Slightly young

My favorite part of her video:
The joke about"big guns". So bad it was good.

1.Name: Jessica Thompson

Age: 31

Pros: She just seems adorable in appearance and mannerisms. Yoga is hot. Has good size dog. Works with children. I love good walkers (Okay I have a little bit of a crush)

Cons: Slightly older than the normal age range. The logistics of her being all the way out in Florida.

My favorite part of their video: The little girl in the middle at the 1:26 mark that is who isn't even trying to dance, precious!

Sunday, June 29, 2014

Ten Things I Want To Do On Facebook But Don’t

1. When people announce relationship on The Facebook, I always want to make awkward, inappropriate comments. For example, if Stacy here just got engaged to Mike, and I know both Stacy and Mike, and I would say, “Mike! You locked down Stacy! Congrats bro, she is a great kisser. She’s a biter though so watch out! Haha, JK!......... But really she does and it hurts” or something like that

2. Chime in during ugly on line disputes. I am a sucker for an ugly break up or argument that plays out over The Facebook. You know the ones, they start when someone posts something passive-aggressive or even full on aggressive. Some one else takes offense and replies with a return attack. And then we off to the races! The attacks go back and forth, getting more and more personal and more and more TMI. 30 comments later and you feel embarrassed for everyone. If you have never encountered one of these you need to add dumber friends. Anyways I always want to get involved and chime in with an occasional “OH BURN!!!” comment after a particular vicious attack or come back. If they are going to air out their dirty laundry in public, they shouldn't mind if I try on a pair of their pants right? The longer it’s been since I talked to anyone actually involved in the argument and the less I know them, the better.


3.Use the emoticons. Have you ever looked at the Facebook emoticons? Its glorious, there are 150 different options to choose. No really I just counted. It’s amazing. I almost want to set a goal to use every last one of them... sigh.....if only I wasn't a man. Also, did you know 76% of the emoticons options are negative feelings? Well actually that depends on how you classify the “Fat” feeling. I initially counted “Fat” as a negative but if you look at that the double chinned son of a gun, he looks pretty dang happy (or maybe its not a double chin, but really only a slightly happy face with a thick mustache, who knows?). Actual screen shot below.

4. Poke people. You can't tell me you've never been tempted to give someone a good poking.

5. Tell people with ugly babies that they have ugly babies. (They deserve to know the truth!)

6. Make vague accusations of people I barely know. For example, post something like, “I wish people were honest with their dealings with their fellow man” then tag Sarah, a random girl in my ward who is the sweetest person ever and probably a very honest person (although you can never tell). There would be so much shock and confusion. It cracks me up just imagining it.

7.Tell 2 out 3 girls they look good. For example, comment “Wow, you two sure are beautiful” for a picture with 3 girls equally featured in it. I would have to be friends with all 3 girls to maximize the awkwardness.

8. Make a fake profile of a hot girl to mess with people. Okay so I actually did this. Two of my roommates and I made a fake girl to mess with our 4th roommate. We were very thorough about it too.

First we selected a profile pic, which was painstaking process of finding a picture of a girl on the internet that looked Mormon, good-looking, normal, not famous, brown haired, blue eyed, not too young or too old, and that fit everything else we knew would be his dream girl. Very difficult.

Then we added the only other pic we could find of this same girl. Then to supplement the pictures, we added in a few more generic group pics at beach, at the lake, at a basketball game and just tagged our fake girl’s name in the group so you couldn't quite tell which girl was her. Then just some scenery pictures of mountains and crap. Then we filled out her history and job and favorite books and political preferences and all that. Then we had her post that: “I finally joined Facebook, took me long enough haha”

Then we all added her as a friend. Then we had her request all kinds of random people to be her friend. And ton accepted! (Mostly dudes of course.) Then had her request to be friends with all the nice girls we knew who would probably just accept the request. That evened out the gender ratio of her friends. We even got her invited to our ward’s private Facebook page haha. Finally weeks later after all this preparation and work we have her request to be friends with our unsuspecting roommate. We crack up when he gets all excited and asks how we know her (since we are all friends with her already) we ambiguously mention some party we had thrown a few weeks ago. Then we started having her “like” some of the his photos and posts. He gets super excited and tries messaging her. At that point we finally realize that we are horrible human beings and stop messing with him (but her profile still exists!). We never told that roommate. And we never will! Well, it’s been 2 years and we still haven’t told him yet haha.

9. Meet a girl, add her on Facebook immediately after meeting her, and then immediately “like” one of her pictures from 5 years ago, preferably a picture from her freshman or high school prom. See how she responds after that.

10. Stalk HotAngry :(

crying waterfalls

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

Operation Trampstamp

I knew HotAngry was buttering both sides of the bread (if you know what I mean), but she didn't know that I knew. So that meant I could have some fun.

Not knowing that my roommate had 1) seen her watching the submarine races (if you know what I mean) and 2) told me about it, she invited me over to her apartment to watch a movie (if you know what I mean). I accepted.

All casual like, I asked what she had been up to and if she did anything exciting that day. Part of me was hoping she would come clean and have the decency to fess up. A bigger part of me was hoping she wouldn't so I could DROP THE HAMMER on her.

Wish granted, she did not take the chance to spill the bills (you have to know what I mean with that one). So feeling that I had given her a fair chance to confess, it was time for: Operation Trampstamp.

First I told her that I had been thinking about how glad I was that we were back together. She heartily agreed.

Then I went on to talk about how horrible it was the first time she lied to me and bailed on me for Mr. Eskimo Brother. She didn't have anything to say to that.

So I continued on saying that despite all that, I knew she had promised over and over that this time she was done with him, and would never talk to him again and just wanted to date me. More silence.

I finished by saying that I now trust her 100% and just wanted to move forward and put all that behind us (Laying it on reeeeaalll thick). She meekly replied that she was glad I felt that way.

Anchorman Erection animated GIF

Then silence again for awhile as we sat next to each other on the couch.

After a suitable amount of time I went in with another dagger, saying: "I don't think I could ever forgive you if I had to go through that again" and then "I think I would kill myself". So I never actually said that last part about killing myself thing, that would have been too over the top.

So we sat there in silence. The most awkward of silences. We sat and we sat. But oh readers, how glorious that uncomfortable silence was. It felt so good to bask in the guilt I could feel radiate from her.

Eventually she broke the silence by suggesting we actually watch the movie. That was my cue to get up and head for the door.

Her: "Where you going?"

Me: "I have to leave"

Her: "Why?"

Me: "Because you'll never really be committed to me and you can't stop lying to me" (BAM!)

Her: "Wait I can explain! Blah blah blah......." (At this point she starts bawling, but I was ready this time! I anticipated it and therefore had mentally steeled myself and physically got up from the couch and out of her reach before the water works happened)

Me:"Don't care!"

And out the door I went.

Dolphin Goodbye animated GIF

Now that some time has passed, it was a little bit of a harsh way to end that love triangle of death. I regret being that mean, but just a little bit. I mean, she had it coming.

Operation Trampstamp - Success

Sunday, June 1, 2014

Getting My Hand Caught In the Cookie Jar, Again

It's all gone.

All of it.

I do not have two particles of self respect to rub together right now. I got my hand caught in the cookie jar again. DAMN those cookies!

It all started earlier this week. I had just returned from a fabulous vacation and finished the obligatory picture upload to Facebook of my luxurious and exotic trip (of course to message to the world that my life is great and that I do cool things (and maybe that also inadvertently messages that if you are not traveling to such cool places and doing such cool things, your life is crap, who knows?))

I had some news waiting for me back home. It appears that HotAngry had broken up with Mr. Eskimo brother. Well well well. Not only that, but she had also called and texted me several times to let me know that very fact. In reality, ever since KissingGate happened at the end of the semester, she had actually tried to stay in contact and stay.... friends (barf).

Do not worry though readers, I am no fool! I held strong and never responded to her calls or texts. This new news did not dissolve my resolve. HotAngry is dead to me.

But.....a few nights ago she shows up at my apartment (what a stalker right?). She begs me to talk to her. Just give her one last chance to explain everything and then she'll leave me alone she says.

Now at this point, part of my mind was thinking: HAIL NO! Shut the door. Slam it in her face!

But another part of me was thinking: Man she is looking fine, and we REALLY got along for awhile there. And I have like zero other prospects at this point. And she was such a good kisser.

And yet another part of me was thinking: I should buy a boat.

So of course I slammed the door in her face, jumped back on the couch and started googling: "Boats for Sale".

Or at least I wish that's what I had done. Instead what I actually did was agree to go on a walk with her. I couldn't help it, I was too curious, too bored.

So we walked and we talked. Side note: I love me a good walk with a beautiful girl during a summer's night, talking about matters of the heart haha.

Anyways, I was doing soooo good holding strong and standing my ground. Until she just sits down and starts crying. Honestly, I should have seen it coming, but for some reason it took me by surprise. I was not mentally prepared! Not only that, she wouldn't stand up. I wanted to just bail and walk back home but I couldn't leave her on the side of the road. And that's when I made my fatal mistake. I sat next her and tried to comfort her. Rookie move. She instantly threw her arms around me and snuggled up to me. 

Now if you are an attractive girl and you initiate some physical contact with a boy. You have all the powers. All the powers belong to you. I am normally a very logical self controlled dude, but in that moment my logical self controlled mind was replaced with putty, pure putty. It is the weirdest thing to think about in retrospect. 

Needless to say, she was much more persuasive when I was in her literal clutches. I might have even agreed to give her another chance. Yep, I definitely did that. Now does that make me a horrible person? Yes, yes it does. But I'm not going to lie. It was awesome. It was awesome having hope again. Oh man did that feel good! You have to understand, to go from dejection and thinking I was fated to live out my last months in Provo all alone, to being back with a girl that I was soooo into (minus that one episode).....they don't make drugs that strong.

Its true what they say, it feels good to forgive.

I was set. I was back on top. I had graduated, I had my dream job lined up and I had an amazing girl (minus that one little episode). Everything is coming up Milhouse! 

Yesterday, I was talking to my roommate and he asks if HotAngry is still broken up with Mr. Eskimo brother (I had kept my reunion with HotAngry a secret from my roommates out of shame). 

I say: "Yeah, why?"

Roommate: "Oh I saw them kissing in the parking lot." 

Me: "When?" 

Him: "Just now" 

Me: "Like 5 minutes ago just now?"

Him: "Yep"

Alas, I celebrated too early.

19 Reasons Why You Should Never Celebrate Too Early