Sunday, March 23, 2014

Jerks, Shame, and Matchmaking Part 2

Like I said in the last post, I asked out AngryHot. It was a Sunday night, I sat next her at ward prayer, struck up a convo, asserted my dominance over all the other guys trying talk to her, waited until there was a few minutes alone, and popped the question.  She accepted (winning!), I got her phone number, and we parted ways. Pretty standard maneuvers.

Monday during the day we texted quite a bit. Now I'm not a huge texter, but I can play the game if it needs to be played. And I was killing it. I'm a funny guy (exhibit A - this unbelievably hilarious blog, exhibit B - my mom says so), but I have never been this on fire with texting. After awhile it got to the point where I was starting to worry that my texts were too funny and that I was setting an unsustainable standard. It was that bad (or good).

Turns out that we had combined ward FHE that Monday night so we end up talking for all of that. Then on Wednesday she invites me over to make dinner with her. Then on Thursday my roommates convince me to invite her over for a movie we are watching. And what is this? She instantly cuddles up next to me during the movie? Can this really be a hot girl taking the initiative with something?

hallelujah animated GIF

Friday finally comes and we are suppose to go on our first awkward get-to-know-you date, but we've been hanging out all week, so that's a little weird. Unfortunately she was sick Friday and so instead of going to dinner I just get her some chicken noodle soup and medicine and we cuddle on the couch.

That was a little over a week ago, and we have been hanging out pretty consistently since and finally had first "official" date this weekend. Its been a very comfortable and organic relationship process. We still haven't had a DTR and we still haven't kissed. As opposed to a "NCMO" scenario, with a "there could be a future with this girl" scenario, I try to hold off kissing the girl until 1) I am sure I want to get exclusive with her, and 2) I am sure she really wants the kiss. So I am not yet sure I want to get exclusive (I'm not one to rush into these things), but I am definitely sure she really wants me to kiss her. Its going to be hard not to give in and/or dodge her advances.

Also she scratched my back today during sacrament without me even asking for it, so you could say things are going pretty good.

Reaction GIF: thumbs up

Sunday, March 16, 2014

Jerks, Shame, and Matchmaking Part 1

The day I moved into my current ward, something funny happened. I parked in the closest parking spot to my apartment and started unloading my automobile. Very normal activity. Right as I was finishing up and heading to my car for the last load, I passed two girls that were talking about some jerk. Apparently this jerk had parked in her spot or something and she had to park super far away blah blah blah.

My first thought was "yeah, that guy is a total jerk and probably deserves to die", my second thought was "Dang that angry girl is super attractive, I wonder if she lives in this apartment complex", my third thought was "Wait, does this apartment complex have assigned parking spots?", and that's when I finally realized that I was the jerk. Hoping to escape unnoticed, tried to get into my car all stealthy like and drive away before Hot Angry Girl found out it was me. Unfortunately, as I was backing out I turned and saw Hot Angry Girl just standing there, giving me the death stare.

Definitely the not best start at a new ward, but what can you do? Several months went by and although Hot Angry Girl was probably the girl I found to be most attractive in my ward, I never made a move because of 1) that awkward first encounter and 2) it seemed like she always had boyfriend.

A few weeks ago I was talking to HotAngry's roommate (who I home teach (every month (first week of the month)) and she out of the blue suggested that I should ask out HotAngry.

Now whenever a girl tells me I should ask out another girl, I'm always skeptical/suspicious/don't know what to think.


There could be a number of reasons she is telling me this:
  1. HotAngry digs me and the roommate is trying to tell me to strike while the iron is hot (and angry)
  2. She's trying to get HotAngry a date because she hasn't been asked out lately, just broke up with a guy, etc
  3. She thinks we would be good together (matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match)
  4. Its an elaborate scheme to get me alone with HotAngry so that HotAngry can inflict bodily harm on me for stealing her parking spots months ago. 
At the time I figured it was probably a combination of reason 1 and reason 4, but really if a girl tells me to ask out her roommate who I already kinda wanted to ask out, then I probably should just ask her out right?

So that's what I did.

Sunday, March 2, 2014

A Guide To Common Introduction Questions

If you go to BYU, you will inevitably go thru the same 9 or 10 questions every time you meet someone new. It’s a little ritual we all do. I have been in many of these interactions, and I have noticed that many people struggle with the exercise. That's why I'm here, to break it down nice and simple and guide you through it step by step.

What's your name?

It is commonly known that after a girl meets a guy, she will immediately start imagining herself with his name. They can't help it, especially when they meet a stud like me. So if you are a guy with a freaking weird last name, keep that info to yourself as long as possible. No girl wants to be a Mrs. Wiener or Mrs. Butts (especially if her first name is Seymour). Also overly ethic names like Neiderhofer or Tomescheski can also be kept on the down low; girls like to be able to pronounce their future surnames, not sound like they are sneezing. No need to jump the gun with your Polish pride.

Also if you have a super common name like John and there is 7 Johns in your ward, you have 2 options. 1) be so much better than all the other Johns that you can be known as THE John or 2) start going by a different name, college is for new beginnings right? Why don't you start being called Sven? That's a great name. Sounds like a gentle viking. Good ole Sven.

What's your major?

Now this is a delicate one, the person wants to know how smart/ambitious/rich you are or will be. A lot depends on your gender. I already went over my thoughts on girl's majors in a earlier post. Some majors are just horrible, like if you are a guy majoring in Dance, and people will judge you (and rightfully so). You might want to stick with the whole "I'm not really sure yet, I'm kind of undecided". No one will be satisfied with that answer, but it should buy you some time. One strategy, skillfully employed by many boys at BYU, is to say that you are Pre-something. "Oh I'm pre-dental, or Pre-Med, or Pre-Law, or Pre-President of the United States. None of those actually exist, but they still check all the smart/ambitious/rich boxes, without actually doing anything.

Another strategy is to tell the asker your major, and then immediately launch into an explanation of what your real plans are. This leads us to our next (related) question.

What are you planning on doing with that?

How smart/ambitious/rich are you? Part 2. Most commonly asked if it’s a very broad sounding major like English and Math, or if it’s a seemingly useless one like Art History. You rarely hear this question if you are majoring in Nursing or Accounting. (Unless you are a girl and the guy is trying to determine how much you want to have a career, but that's a whole other game).

Let's be honest, a lot of us have no clue what we will be doing when we graduate. But because this is a forward looking hypothetical question, it is very easy to answer with things that sound good. "Oh I am looking into graduate programs for this, or careers in this, or might do this" You don't need to know what you will do, you just need to know stuff to say that sounds good for when you get asked the question.

What do you like to do?

Other variations of this question include, "what do you like to do for fun?", or "what are your hobbies?" or the most direct "are you a boring person?" No one answers this question honestly so you shouldn't either. If everyone was honest, most answers include: stalking people on Facebook, Pinterest, video games, watching Netflix, or stuffing my face with ice cream. But instead everyone says the cool/acceptable things they have done at least once, but may not spend a lot of time currently doing. Usually you want to throw in at least one active one so you don't seem like a fat lard (running, basketball, biking, yoga, hiking, rock climbing). Throw in one intellect one (reading literature, writing hilarious blogs, discovering the cure for cancer). Finally maybe a charitable/spiritual one for good measure (going to the temple, volunteering at the homeless shelter, mentoring kids, etc). So many great hobbies to choose from, this should be a cake walk.

Where are you from?

If you are from somewhere lame, just pick the coolest city nearby and claim that (it’s what everyone does anyway). "I'm Las Vegas, well actually Henderson, but it’s the same thing"

If you are from Texas, I have note for you:

No one cares about Texas.



How many brothers and sisters do you have?

If you are an only child, just lie, just say 5 or something. No one trusts a Mormon only child. If you are averse to lying, just say (with the biggest, goofiest smile you can muster) "everyone is my brother and sister haha" (maybe spread your arms out wide to drive home your point (and maybe while you already feeling brotherly and already have your arms spread, give a stranger a hug and greet them as brother/sister)).

Also if you have like 16 brothers and sisters, just know that can scare people away as well. If you think that might be an issue, just go with the old shout the first half, whisper the second half trick. "How many siblings do I have? SIX......teenHOW MANY DO YOU HAVE? (Note: only really works for 14-19, and I guess technically it could work for 40-49 ......and all numbers greater than 60.....anyways)

Where do you live?

This is a super loaded question. There are obviously certain stigmas attached to certain apartments. If in doubt, use vague directions. "Oh just south of campus" "West of campus" "Under campus" etc.

Where did you serve your mission?

This is easy, if you went stateside make sure you emphasize it was Spanish-speaking or Swahili-speaking or something-speaking. Even if you never got to use your Spanish, or even if you were not actually technically called for "Spanish-speaking", you still said "Hola" to that "Hermano" that one time, so it still counts. Serving in Boise Spanish-speaking sounds ten times better than just serving in Boise.

If you never went on a mission, this can be a pretty awkward question to answer depending on the situation. The best response I've seen is as follows: Say (with the biggest, goofiest smile you can muster) "I'm a missionary right now! Every member missionary right? haha" (maybe spread your arms out wide to drive home your point (and maybe while you already feeling in the missionary mood and already have your arms spread, give a stranger a hug and greet them as elder/sister))

Do you know so and so?

This WILL come up at some point. Many of the previous questions can spark this one. Mormons have an uncontrollable urge to make a connection, any connection, between themselves and the person they just met. It’s always useless when a connection is successfully made, and yet always vaguely disappointing when you fail to make a connection. (No joke though, from this particular question I once figured out the girl I was talking to was my second cousin, luckily she wasn't cute so there was no conflict of interest, but it’s kind of scary to think about no? Good motivation to do that family history work aye?)

Anyways, pro tip for this question: Always just say you know the person. It will make you seem like you know a lot of people, and people like people that know a lot of people. "Do I know Sven? Of course I know Sven! Great guy. You would expect nothing less with a name like Sven. Although I do remember him being a raging alcoholic. Haha I guess no one is perfect" Bam. Now she thinks I know a lot of people (and that her cousin is a raging alcoholic). Mission accomplished.