Sunday, June 29, 2014

Ten Things I Want To Do On Facebook But Don’t

1. When people announce relationship on The Facebook, I always want to make awkward, inappropriate comments. For example, if Stacy here just got engaged to Mike, and I know both Stacy and Mike, and I would say, “Mike! You locked down Stacy! Congrats bro, she is a great kisser. She’s a biter though so watch out! Haha, JK!......... But really she does and it hurts” or something like that

2. Chime in during ugly on line disputes. I am a sucker for an ugly break up or argument that plays out over The Facebook. You know the ones, they start when someone posts something passive-aggressive or even full on aggressive. Some one else takes offense and replies with a return attack. And then we off to the races! The attacks go back and forth, getting more and more personal and more and more TMI. 30 comments later and you feel embarrassed for everyone. If you have never encountered one of these you need to add dumber friends. Anyways I always want to get involved and chime in with an occasional “OH BURN!!!” comment after a particular vicious attack or come back. If they are going to air out their dirty laundry in public, they shouldn't mind if I try on a pair of their pants right? The longer it’s been since I talked to anyone actually involved in the argument and the less I know them, the better.


3.Use the emoticons. Have you ever looked at the Facebook emoticons? Its glorious, there are 150 different options to choose. No really I just counted. It’s amazing. I almost want to set a goal to use every last one of them... sigh.....if only I wasn't a man. Also, did you know 76% of the emoticons options are negative feelings? Well actually that depends on how you classify the “Fat” feeling. I initially counted “Fat” as a negative but if you look at that the double chinned son of a gun, he looks pretty dang happy (or maybe its not a double chin, but really only a slightly happy face with a thick mustache, who knows?). Actual screen shot below.

4. Poke people. You can't tell me you've never been tempted to give someone a good poking.

5. Tell people with ugly babies that they have ugly babies. (They deserve to know the truth!)

6. Make vague accusations of people I barely know. For example, post something like, “I wish people were honest with their dealings with their fellow man” then tag Sarah, a random girl in my ward who is the sweetest person ever and probably a very honest person (although you can never tell). There would be so much shock and confusion. It cracks me up just imagining it.

7.Tell 2 out 3 girls they look good. For example, comment “Wow, you two sure are beautiful” for a picture with 3 girls equally featured in it. I would have to be friends with all 3 girls to maximize the awkwardness.

8. Make a fake profile of a hot girl to mess with people. Okay so I actually did this. Two of my roommates and I made a fake girl to mess with our 4th roommate. We were very thorough about it too.

First we selected a profile pic, which was painstaking process of finding a picture of a girl on the internet that looked Mormon, good-looking, normal, not famous, brown haired, blue eyed, not too young or too old, and that fit everything else we knew would be his dream girl. Very difficult.

Then we added the only other pic we could find of this same girl. Then to supplement the pictures, we added in a few more generic group pics at beach, at the lake, at a basketball game and just tagged our fake girl’s name in the group so you couldn't quite tell which girl was her. Then just some scenery pictures of mountains and crap. Then we filled out her history and job and favorite books and political preferences and all that. Then we had her post that: “I finally joined Facebook, took me long enough haha”

Then we all added her as a friend. Then we had her request all kinds of random people to be her friend. And ton accepted! (Mostly dudes of course.) Then had her request to be friends with all the nice girls we knew who would probably just accept the request. That evened out the gender ratio of her friends. We even got her invited to our ward’s private Facebook page haha. Finally weeks later after all this preparation and work we have her request to be friends with our unsuspecting roommate. We crack up when he gets all excited and asks how we know her (since we are all friends with her already) we ambiguously mention some party we had thrown a few weeks ago. Then we started having her “like” some of the his photos and posts. He gets super excited and tries messaging her. At that point we finally realize that we are horrible human beings and stop messing with him (but her profile still exists!). We never told that roommate. And we never will! Well, it’s been 2 years and we still haven’t told him yet haha.

9. Meet a girl, add her on Facebook immediately after meeting her, and then immediately “like” one of her pictures from 5 years ago, preferably a picture from her freshman or high school prom. See how she responds after that.

10. Stalk HotAngry :(

crying waterfalls

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

Operation Trampstamp

I knew HotAngry was buttering both sides of the bread (if you know what I mean), but she didn't know that I knew. So that meant I could have some fun.

Not knowing that my roommate had 1) seen her watching the submarine races (if you know what I mean) and 2) told me about it, she invited me over to her apartment to watch a movie (if you know what I mean). I accepted.

All casual like, I asked what she had been up to and if she did anything exciting that day. Part of me was hoping she would come clean and have the decency to fess up. A bigger part of me was hoping she wouldn't so I could DROP THE HAMMER on her.

Wish granted, she did not take the chance to spill the bills (you have to know what I mean with that one). So feeling that I had given her a fair chance to confess, it was time for: Operation Trampstamp.

First I told her that I had been thinking about how glad I was that we were back together. She heartily agreed.

Then I went on to talk about how horrible it was the first time she lied to me and bailed on me for Mr. Eskimo Brother. She didn't have anything to say to that.

So I continued on saying that despite all that, I knew she had promised over and over that this time she was done with him, and would never talk to him again and just wanted to date me. More silence.

I finished by saying that I now trust her 100% and just wanted to move forward and put all that behind us (Laying it on reeeeaalll thick). She meekly replied that she was glad I felt that way.

Anchorman Erection animated GIF

Then silence again for awhile as we sat next to each other on the couch.

After a suitable amount of time I went in with another dagger, saying: "I don't think I could ever forgive you if I had to go through that again" and then "I think I would kill myself". So I never actually said that last part about killing myself thing, that would have been too over the top.

So we sat there in silence. The most awkward of silences. We sat and we sat. But oh readers, how glorious that uncomfortable silence was. It felt so good to bask in the guilt I could feel radiate from her.

Eventually she broke the silence by suggesting we actually watch the movie. That was my cue to get up and head for the door.

Her: "Where you going?"

Me: "I have to leave"

Her: "Why?"

Me: "Because you'll never really be committed to me and you can't stop lying to me" (BAM!)

Her: "Wait I can explain! Blah blah blah......." (At this point she starts bawling, but I was ready this time! I anticipated it and therefore had mentally steeled myself and physically got up from the couch and out of her reach before the water works happened)

Me:"Don't care!"

And out the door I went.

Dolphin Goodbye animated GIF

Now that some time has passed, it was a little bit of a harsh way to end that love triangle of death. I regret being that mean, but just a little bit. I mean, she had it coming.

Operation Trampstamp - Success

Sunday, June 1, 2014

Getting My Hand Caught In the Cookie Jar, Again

It's all gone.

All of it.

I do not have two particles of self respect to rub together right now. I got my hand caught in the cookie jar again. DAMN those cookies!

It all started earlier this week. I had just returned from a fabulous vacation and finished the obligatory picture upload to Facebook of my luxurious and exotic trip (of course to message to the world that my life is great and that I do cool things (and maybe that also inadvertently messages that if you are not traveling to such cool places and doing such cool things, your life is crap, who knows?))

I had some news waiting for me back home. It appears that HotAngry had broken up with Mr. Eskimo brother. Well well well. Not only that, but she had also called and texted me several times to let me know that very fact. In reality, ever since KissingGate happened at the end of the semester, she had actually tried to stay in contact and stay.... friends (barf).

Do not worry though readers, I am no fool! I held strong and never responded to her calls or texts. This new news did not dissolve my resolve. HotAngry is dead to me.

But.....a few nights ago she shows up at my apartment (what a stalker right?). She begs me to talk to her. Just give her one last chance to explain everything and then she'll leave me alone she says.

Now at this point, part of my mind was thinking: HAIL NO! Shut the door. Slam it in her face!

But another part of me was thinking: Man she is looking fine, and we REALLY got along for awhile there. And I have like zero other prospects at this point. And she was such a good kisser.

And yet another part of me was thinking: I should buy a boat.

So of course I slammed the door in her face, jumped back on the couch and started googling: "Boats for Sale".

Or at least I wish that's what I had done. Instead what I actually did was agree to go on a walk with her. I couldn't help it, I was too curious, too bored.

So we walked and we talked. Side note: I love me a good walk with a beautiful girl during a summer's night, talking about matters of the heart haha.

Anyways, I was doing soooo good holding strong and standing my ground. Until she just sits down and starts crying. Honestly, I should have seen it coming, but for some reason it took me by surprise. I was not mentally prepared! Not only that, she wouldn't stand up. I wanted to just bail and walk back home but I couldn't leave her on the side of the road. And that's when I made my fatal mistake. I sat next her and tried to comfort her. Rookie move. She instantly threw her arms around me and snuggled up to me. 

Now if you are an attractive girl and you initiate some physical contact with a boy. You have all the powers. All the powers belong to you. I am normally a very logical self controlled dude, but in that moment my logical self controlled mind was replaced with putty, pure putty. It is the weirdest thing to think about in retrospect. 

Needless to say, she was much more persuasive when I was in her literal clutches. I might have even agreed to give her another chance. Yep, I definitely did that. Now does that make me a horrible person? Yes, yes it does. But I'm not going to lie. It was awesome. It was awesome having hope again. Oh man did that feel good! You have to understand, to go from dejection and thinking I was fated to live out my last months in Provo all alone, to being back with a girl that I was soooo into (minus that one episode).....they don't make drugs that strong.

Its true what they say, it feels good to forgive.

I was set. I was back on top. I had graduated, I had my dream job lined up and I had an amazing girl (minus that one little episode). Everything is coming up Milhouse! 

Yesterday, I was talking to my roommate and he asks if HotAngry is still broken up with Mr. Eskimo brother (I had kept my reunion with HotAngry a secret from my roommates out of shame). 

I say: "Yeah, why?"

Roommate: "Oh I saw them kissing in the parking lot." 

Me: "When?" 

Him: "Just now" 

Me: "Like 5 minutes ago just now?"

Him: "Yep"

Alas, I celebrated too early.

19 Reasons Why You Should Never Celebrate Too Early