1. When people announce relationship on The Facebook, I always want to make awkward, inappropriate comments. For example, if Stacy here just got engaged to Mike, and I know both Stacy and Mike, and I would say, “Mike! You locked down Stacy! Congrats bro, she is a great kisser. She’s a biter though so watch out! Haha, JK!......... But really she does and it hurts” or something like that
2. Chime in during ugly on line disputes. I am a sucker for an ugly break up or argument that plays out over The Facebook. You know the ones, they start when someone posts something passive-aggressive or even full on aggressive. Some one else takes offense and replies with a return attack. And then we off to the races! The attacks go back and forth, getting more and more personal and more and more TMI. 30 comments later and you feel embarrassed for everyone. If you have never encountered one of these you need to add dumber friends. Anyways I always want to get involved and chime in with an occasional “OH BURN!!!” comment after a particular vicious attack or come back. If they are going to air out their dirty laundry in public, they shouldn't mind if I try on a pair of their pants right? The longer it’s been since I talked to anyone actually involved in the argument and the less I know them, the better.
3.Use the emoticons. Have you ever looked at the Facebook emoticons? Its glorious, there are 150 different options to choose. No really I just counted. It’s amazing. I almost want to set a goal to use every last one of them... sigh.....if only I wasn't a man. Also, did you know 76% of the emoticons options are negative feelings? Well actually that depends on how you classify the “Fat” feeling. I initially counted “Fat” as a negative but if you look at that the double chinned son of a gun, he looks pretty dang happy (or maybe its not a double chin, but really only a slightly happy face with a thick mustache, who knows?). Actual screen shot below.
4. Poke people. You can't tell me you've never been tempted to give someone a good poking.
5. Tell people with ugly babies that they have ugly babies. (They deserve to know the truth!)
6. Make vague accusations of people I barely know. For example, post something like, “I wish people were honest with their dealings with their fellow man” then tag Sarah, a random girl in my ward who is the sweetest person ever and probably a very honest person (although you can never tell). There would be so much shock and confusion. It cracks me up just imagining it.
7.Tell 2 out 3 girls they look good. For example, comment “Wow, you two sure are beautiful” for a picture with 3 girls equally featured in it. I would have to be friends with all 3 girls to maximize the awkwardness.
8. Make a fake profile of a hot girl to mess with people. Okay so I actually did this. Two of my roommates and I made a fake girl to mess with our 4th roommate. We were very thorough about it too.
First we selected a profile pic, which was painstaking process of finding a picture of a girl on the internet that looked Mormon, good-looking, normal, not famous, brown haired, blue eyed, not too young or too old, and that fit everything else we knew would be his dream girl. Very difficult.
Then we added the only other pic we could find of this same girl. Then to supplement the pictures, we added in a few more generic group pics at beach, at the lake, at a basketball game and just tagged our fake girl’s name in the group so you couldn't quite tell which girl was her. Then just some scenery pictures of mountains and crap. Then we filled out her history and job and favorite books and political preferences and all that. Then we had her post that: “I finally joined Facebook, took me long enough haha”
Then we all added her as a friend. Then we had her request all kinds of random people to be her friend. And ton accepted! (Mostly dudes of course.) Then had her request to be friends with all the nice girls we knew who would probably just accept the request. That evened out the gender ratio of her friends. We even got her invited to our ward’s private Facebook page haha. Finally weeks later after all this preparation and work we have her request to be friends with our unsuspecting roommate. We crack up when he gets all excited and asks how we know her (since we are all friends with her already) we ambiguously mention some party we had thrown a few weeks ago. Then we started having her “like” some of the his photos and posts. He gets super excited and tries messaging her. At that point we finally realize that we are horrible human beings and stop messing with him (but her profile still exists!). We never told that roommate. And we never will! Well, it’s been 2 years and we still haven’t told him yet haha.
9. Meet a girl, add her on Facebook immediately after meeting her, and then immediately “like” one of her pictures from 5 years ago, preferably a picture from her freshman or high school prom. See how she responds after that.
10. Stalk HotAngry :(