Sunday, July 20, 2014

How To Make A Video For The Mormon Bachelorette

So all the good ladies that are trying to become the next Mormon Bachelorette have to make videos talking about themselves and why they should be the next Mormon Bachelorette (or one of 3 apparently). So of course most of the videos are going to be painfully awkward. Mad props for them trying anyways. The thing is though, if you watch enough of the Mormon Bachelorette videos, (and I certainly have) you start to notice some things. Common themes you could say. Specifically, I have noticed four essential elements of a Mormon Bachelorette video:

  • Family -You got to mention how much you love your family, love kids, want to have a family and settle down. Basically you want to make it abundantly clear that you are would be the world's greatest mom. Bonus points for including a clip of you playing with your nieces and nephews
  • Spirituality - Make sure to mention how rock solid you are. Leave no doubt. 
  • Something about physical activity - You work out? You run marathons? Hike? Dance? Shoot guns or anything else besides sitting on your booty and Pinteresting it up? Then add it in there! You don't want people to think you are a couch potato that is just getting fat.
  • Love for travel - You LOVE traveling right? Who doesn't? And interesting people travel a lot right? Well then make sure everyone knows you have been places and seen crap.

Now I'm not trying to make fun of the videos, its just interesting how so many of them have these same elements. Basically these four things represent what these ladies think people (or guys more specifically) view as some of the most desirable traits. Right? That is why they are bringing them up and emphasizing them over and over again. What is even more interesting is comparing those four traits to what I actually consider as the most desirable traits. Obviously those 4 things above are all desirable to differing degrees, but it doesn't match up exactly with what I would find most desirable or what I look for first in a girl (nice ankles).

Sunday, July 13, 2014

Bathroom Fellowshipping

So last week at church I used the restroom (as any normal not-even-necessarily-small-bladder person would do) and before I left I checked myself in the mirror (as any normal not-even-necessarily-vain person would do). Just making sure I am looking good for the ladies (I do it all for the ladies, cuz I'm crazy altruistic like that). And surprise, surprise. I am still really handsome. Now because no one else was in the bathroom with me, I checked out my back side to make sure the back of my shirt was still properly tucked in. You know, one of these actions:

No big deal right?

Except right as I was doing that, a new investigator walks into the bathroom. Now I don't know what goes down in the girl's bathroom, but guys are not looking back at their back sides in the men's restroom. It was awkward and I should have defused the the situation by being friendly and joking about it. But I didn't do that. I panicked. It was like I was caught doing something wrong and I was startled and just bailed out of there without making eye contact or even washing my hands. (Jk that would be so gross, I totally had already washed before this happened. Just think of how many people you shake hands with at church. (Which why I extra wash my right hand)).

Fast forward to today and once again I use the bathroom at church. Again I am alone. Again I first wash my right hand because that is the #1 priority. Again I check out and adjust my backside. I'm in a different bathroom from last week that no one uses, so what are the chances? The chances are good. THE SAME FREAKING INVESTIGATOR WALKS IN ON ME! I turn to look at him.

askreddit animated GIF

This time I was calm. This time I was ready to laugh it off and explain myself. Nope. Before I could even say anything the poor dude turned right back around and out the door. He probably had seen enough and kept walking straight out to the parking lot, into his car, and drove home. I seriously didn't see him after that. Sooo......I guess I have that on my conscious now.

Sunday, July 6, 2014

Mormon Bachelorette Canidate Power Rankings

So I am kinda into the Mormon Bachelor/ette, link here. I found their previous seasons entertaining and I am excited for their current one. Right now they are in the process of selecting a Mormon Bachelorette from a group of +20 female candidates. The girl selected will in turn choose from a group of male would-be lovers (who will in turn choose from 2 different pants to wear for the finale), at least in theory.

Actually, before I get any further, let me just say that every woman is a beautiful daughter of God that deserves a perfect man and moreover deserves to be the next Mormon Bachelorette. But I am going to be ranking girls and their potential to be a successful Mormon Bachelorette (just my opinion of course, based off 2 minute videos). If you think that my ranking might make you feel bad or angry, you are free to stop reading. Although, the whole concept of the Mormon Bachelorette is kind of a ranking/judging in a way where there are many losers and few if any winners, and feelings get hurt. All of which makes it more entertaining for us, but we won't get into that.

To make this blog post a little less offensive than it is inherently destined to be (and to save time), I decided to just rank the top 6 candidates (plus a unranked list of dark horses). Some of the things I am looking for: Good looks (who ever it is has to bring all the boys to the yard, and the easiest way to do that is be hot. Let's be honest, we all know how shallow guys are, amiright?). A good personality. The right age range (the first 4 bachelor/ettes were all in the 26 to 30 age range and I doubt they would deviate too much from that formula). Intangibles. Tangibles. Fungibles. Infungibles. And finally Danimals.

Dark horse candidates (in no particular order)

Holly Nelson - Her first reason was she has 20/20 vision. I'm not impressed, I personally have 20/15 vision (get on my level!).

Jenna Gerber - Cute, seems like she would be a super cool girl. That high energy would be good for all those dates. Might be too young. Is she in Tokyo right now? If so I feel like that would be a deal breaker right? Unless its going to be exclusively Skype dates (Now there is an idea!).

Brittany Brown - Seems like she might be a tad crazy, but that double axle though!

Carolyn Banfield - Were going to blog to one song, and one song only!

Mindy Leavitt - I don't have anything to say, I just think she's a dark horse.

Top 6

6.Name: Cassidy Baker

Age: 29

Pros: Cute (enough)! BYU! Teacher of Children!

Cons: History is boring!

My favorite part of her video: I just love the picture of her on the famous Pont des Arts bridge in Paris with all those locks of love, all alone haha.

5. Name: Dani Dutson

Age: 26 (although in the video she says her favorite question is "why are you 24 and still single?")

Pros: She's cute. Teacher of kids = Good mommy potential

Cons: It looks like she owns a small dog, I'm not a fan. She went to UVU.

My favorite part of her video: In the third scene when her hair is blowing in the wind, nice touch.

4.Name: Jessica Frech

Age: 22

Pros: Super cute, great singer, seems like she could be fun, and those dimples

Neutral: Black belt in Karate, although it does make me want to fight her

Cons: With her voice and how she talks, she might be annoying, hard to tell from a video. I have a strict "Never date a girl that wants to be more famous than you" rule. Logistics coming from Nashville might be difficult and she might be too young.

My favorite part of her video: Did I already talk about the dimples?

3. Name: Tiffany Freeze (aka The Ice Queen! haha I'm sorry I had too)

Age: 29

Pros: Seems pretty attractive and possibly cool. Location and Age is right.

Cons: Her affection for cars and shopping remind me of the line from that Good Charolette song - Girls & Boys "Girls don't like boys, girls like cars and money" haha.

My favorite part of her video: Her fake teaching what I just know is an empty class room at the 0:18 mark

2. Name: Catie Shaw

Age: 25

Pros: Singer, writer, teacher, sand artist - What a resume!

Cons: All spiders should die. Slightly young

My favorite part of her video:
The joke about"big guns". So bad it was good.

1.Name: Jessica Thompson

Age: 31

Pros: She just seems adorable in appearance and mannerisms. Yoga is hot. Has good size dog. Works with children. I love good walkers (Okay I have a little bit of a crush)

Cons: Slightly older than the normal age range. The logistics of her being all the way out in Florida.

My favorite part of their video: The little girl in the middle at the 1:26 mark that is who isn't even trying to dance, precious!