Sunday, September 14, 2014

My Dating Strategy For My New Ward

Going to church at BYU, I would usually be on the look out for the cute girls in the ward. I always wanted to keep tabs on them, so if an opportune opportunity for flirting arose, I could swoop in there and work my mad skillz (yes with a "z") on her. As soon as you walk into sacrament meeting or Sunday school, you have mere seconds to locate the targets and decide from a range of moves:

  • Sit in the back away from everyone (meaning I'm too cool for (Sunday) school, also I'm distant and hard to get)
  • Sit right behind the girl (not too eager, but still in range to chat up the lass)
  • Sit in front of the girl (rookie mistake, she can see you, but you can't see her or talk to her unless you turn ALL THE WAY AROUND to face her, which screams desperation and is frankly more effort than I ever exerted for any female)
  • Sit next to her (Aggressive)
  • Sit on her lap (SUPER aggressive)
Also you just want to have a clear line of sight on all the hotties so can make sure no one else has moved in and claimed them (plus, eye candy). I mean, how many times have you found out a couple was dating from seeing them hold hands or cuddle during church? The correct answer is all the times.

But that is BYU. And I am not at BYU anymore. So I have a new strategy at my current ward. Its called "Wait For A Hot Girl To Move In And Then Instantly Pounce". Basically I am not currently interested in any of the girls in my ward (which are the only mormon girls in the area), so I'm just waiting for a hot girl to move in, at which time I will pounce on that babe. 

(see what I did there?)

And let me tell you dear readers, today my prayers were answered and there was indeed a new girl in the ward. And she was hot! So I wasted no time in putting my plan to action and made a beeline to her (but of course all smooth and casual like). And just before I get to her and hit her with my best pick up line (Are you Google? Cuz you got everything I'm looking for.) I do quick ring check and of course she's got a ring on it. So I just keep walking like a boss (a very crestfallen boss, but still a boss gosh dang it!)

Are These The 43 Funniest GIFs Of All Time?

I might have to start implementing Plan B, which is the "Wait for the cute girls in my ward to break up with their boyfriends/fiances, aaaaaaaand then POUNCE!"

If that doesn't work, I'll move to Plan C, which is "Sabotage relationships of cute girls and their boyfriends, aaaaaaaand then POUNCE!"

Desperate times call for desperate measures my friends.

1 comment:

Elizabeth Downie said...

Plan D - wait for divorces and start again on the second round. That's the round I'm on.

Note - I didn't say CAUSE divorces, or encourage them. Just wait for them.