Sunday, December 6, 2015

Learing About Myself

After some internal deliberation, I decided to ask out Tattoo girl again. Why not?

I ended up texting her the day after our date (even though leading up to our date our text conversations had been painful to say the least). THE DAY AFTER. What can I say, I was really feeling confident.

I said: "Hey I'm glad we got to have dinner last night, it was a lot of fun. You going to the event tonight?"

It only took me like 45 minutes to craft that bad boy.

So a funny thing happened on our way to our second date. She never texted back. As a rule I usually text a person one more time if they don't respond in a orderly fashion (I call it the benefit of the doubt text). But not if I ask a direct question! Besides I thought that she would probably be at the event any way and we could just talk there. But she wasn't at the event, or at church the next day, and before I knew it, 3 days had passed without a response. Who does this girl think she is?

I just kept assuming she would text me back until so much time passed that it would be awkward if she did finally text you back. Then I started thinking: maybe my text didn't go through. Maybe it was lost in the interwebs or whatever. That happens right? Lost texts are a thing right? Maybe this whole time she has just been sitting around WAITING FOR ME to text her? What if this whole thing is just a hilarious misunderstanding? HAHAHAHAHA

That has to be it. It just makes more sense right? Who wouldn't text back me?

I can just imagine our conversation the next time I run into her. I will tell her and she will think it is so funny. And then I'll point at her and then she'll point at me and it will be a funny cute story we will always look back on.

funny friends california hilarious funny gifsmile laughing laugh lmao adele

Except the problem is I didn't run into her. Before our date she would come to our ward for church, FHE, and all kinds of activities all the time. But afterward I never saw her anymore. If I didn't know any better, I would have guessed that I creeped the freak out of her during our date. But of course that is impossible, so there must just me another hilarious reason why.

Well several weeks later I did run into, at a city wide event that she was in charge of. Is it called "running into" if you are going to an event that you know someone will be at? Anyways, I brought up the whole text thing and I was smiling all ready to laugh. And I'm not going to lie, it wasn't as hilarious as I envisioned it. There wasn't even any pointing! For some reason it was mostly just awkward.

But never mind that, she said she didn't remember getting my text and that her phone asks weird sometimes (see what did I tell you?!?).

So the next day I texted her again. And then I waited.

black and white gif christmas gif cute gif waiting gif christmas break

She didn't immediately respond so I thought I will give her an hour. Then that passed and I was like, maybe just until the end of the day, and THEN I will just over will it.

Its been weeks and weeks now, still no response. Which is fine. Heck, I never really liked her that much and I always had to talk myself into asking her on a date. It wasn't meant to be.

But on the other hand, it is a little deflating. I mean one of the reasons I asked her out in the first place was because I thought she already liked me. And I seriously thought I killed it on our date. 


Looking back, I haven't exactly had the best win/loss record with girls the last year or so. Maybe I've lost it. Maybe I never had it. Honestly I'm probably just not as cool/funny/attractive/whatever as I thought I was. Kinda sucks.

Sunday, November 1, 2015

Back in the Saddle!

So it had been awhile since I had gone on a date. Too long probably. I knew I had to move on and I felt like I was ready to move on. I just hadn’t yet really made it official by jumping back into the dating pool and going on a date. I needed to get back into the saddle so to speak.

back animated GIF

 Putin, my role model

The first problem was finding someone I wanted to go on a date with. Pretty difficult since I’m picky and the options in my ward are pretty sparse. Luckily one week there was a girl (who we will call Tattoo girl because she had more tattoos than the average Mormon girl (aka any tattoos)) from a different ward that was visiting our ward. She sat next to me an chatted me up a little. I didn’t think much of it. Later I noticed her making serious eyes at me during a different church event.

owl animated GIF

We only got to chat for a little bit, but the very next Sunday she was back in our ward (which I took as a sign she was interested) and she sat next to me again (which I took as a sign that she wanted my bod). Unfortunately she also brought her friend this time, who was super aggressive and flirty. It was like the new friend was boxing out (female equivalent of cock-blocking) Tattoo Girl and it was real awkward. It was even more awkward when I only asked for Tattoo girl’s number after church.

Even though I got her number, I wasn't sure I actually wanted to ask her out (I know, bad form). She just was not my normal type, but at the same time I did not have any better prospects on the horizon. So I ended up asking her out that same night.

The awkwardness continued the next day at FHE. I arrived a little bit late (as is fashionable) and walked in to find my friend Brett chatting up Tattoo girl (her friend from the day before was not around this time for some reason).  I found a seat and watched as Brett worked his game on Tattoo girl and eventually get her number. At  the same time another girl, Sarah, starts talking to me and I notice my other friend, Sam (who I know has a huge crush on Sarah) watch us talk.
Just in case anyone is lost, let's breakdown this awkward love rectangle:
  • Brett was hitting on Tattoo girl (who I wanted to be talking to and who I am pretty sure is very interested in me (cuz who isn't?) and kept looking over at me)
  • I was watching those two while Sarah (who I am not interested in) was being very persistent talking to me
  • Sam (who is very interested in Sarah) was watching us
  • And for all I know some other girl was probably looking longingly at Sam (as he looked at Sarah, who was talking to me, who was looking at Tattoo girl, who was talking to Brett).
At that moment I found a new reason to hate being single again. It all seemed very weird and inefficient. I didn’t like it. I wasn’t even mad at Brett, he had no idea I had asked out Tattoo girl the night before. Heck, I barely convinced myself to ask her out in the first place, and I wanted Brett to find love and all that good stuff. I was almost more afraid that I might be accidently screwing up Brett’s chance with her (because she was probably already in love with me, cuz who isn't (besides my last two girlfriends)). Then there was poor Sam with his puppy eyes. And on top of that there is the hypothetically girl pining after Sam. Its enough to break your heart.

Anyways the day of the date comes around and I’m dreading it real bad. I have zero desire to go on that date and was real angry with myself for getting in this situation. If I was a bad person I would have cancelled on her.
But I didn’t. I bit the bullet and picked her up like a man, exactly on time like a man (I actually was accidently like 10 minutes early because it was way quicker and easier to find her apartment than I expected and had to do the awkward creeper wait outside and then act like I just got there thing). Then we went to dinner and had a fine time. It was great, but why was it great?
Was it how she looked? No.

Was it how stimulating the conversation was? Nope.

Honestly it was how on my game I was. I feel like I was spitting hot fire! So smooth and so funny, not awkward at all. I would guess that this is exactly how a pitcher would feel if he came back from an injury and pitched a no-hitter.
 Chad Qualls falls on Twitpic

So will I ask her out again? Well probably, if only to marvel at own dating abilities and how incredibly not awkward this whole process is.

Tuesday, September 22, 2015

7 Awesome Things About Being Single Again

Sorry for not posting for a while. Things have been crazy but I wanted to give you all an update on how I’m doing being single again. Spoiler alert, I’m loving it. Below are some of the many reasons why:

1. Financial savings: ChapStick® costs are down (I only use the real stuff). Also, movie ticket costs are way down! Did you know you can actually go to a movie by yourself? No really, it’s totally allowed at most establishments. It’s like half the price! Not to mention it’s much easier to find seats, no more silly arguments on where to sit (I’m a “front row, two seats to the right” type of guy myself). It also turns out to be a lot more comfortable sobbing uncontrollable in the theater when you are alone (Double Bonus!). That reminds me, I should probably note that some of these cost saving are being offset in an accompanying rise in tissue expenditure. But don’t worry, net-net I’ve been coming out way ahead.       
2. Increased desire to be social: For some reason, I’m actually going to all these church social events for singles, which is weird because I was somehow totally ignoring them before. I went to a church dance the other day did the Cotton Eyed Joe line dance twice! They actually only played the song once, but I was so psyched doing the dance of my people the first time that I did it again during the next song, just for the heck of it. (It was really weird when this shirtless guy started doing it with me instead of just slow dancing like everyone else, not cool dude)

3. Meet new people: I’ve met a ton of girls who are 18. Which is awesome, except every time I’ve gotten a weird feeling about them. Not sure what’s going on there. I also met a girl who is 23. She told me she has 10 cats! That has to be some kind of record. At first I didn't believe her, but the smell of cat piss really sold me.
cats animated GIF

4. Increased dedication to journaling: Apparently no one else cares to know everything that happened to me that day.

5. New motivation to finish old tasks that had fallen by the wayside: I finally found out what happened to Sherlock when he jumped off that roof, who the mother was in How I Met Your Mother, and why everyone has been talking about Breaking Bad. It’s crazy how much you can get done with enough free-time and dedication.

6. Rediscovered old hobbies/skills: Turns out I’m really good at determining if I would be happy dating a girl based solely on: her Facebook profile picture, her senior prom pictures, what level she is on Farmville, and what bands she has liked. Also, I haven't done it yet, but I'm really looking forward to going on first dates again. Like VERY looking forward to it.

7. No more annoying people scratching your back gently yet firmly during church – Because I hated when that happened and it definitely was not the best thing ever that sent me to a barely conscious state of nirvana.

Sunday, August 16, 2015

Who Knows?

To set the stage, for the whole week leading up to my trip, I was itching to finish everything and go visit Opera. I had all kinds of plans for the weekend. Grand plans.

Friday night we had a double date with her friend (her plan not mine), Saturday we were going to belatedly celebrate her birthday so I had made reservations at this fancy restaurant she said had always wanted to go to. After that, I had a surprise something-something planned.

As you may remember in my older post, the first night we saw each other after an almost 2 year absence, we went to a church dance. The dance itself was sucky, even if it was still an enjoyable evening together. Opera had said that she wished we could have a “Do-over” dance with good music where we could just dance with each other.

So I had painstakingly made a curated playlist of her favorite songs and songs that had significance for us. And I had called and emailed all kinds of people all over her hometown to get access to a church (the venue of all church dances) and help set it with lights/decorations/etc for this “dance” (btw I hate asking people for favors so it was torture, BUT I DID IT ANYWAY GOSH DANG IT!) Anyways after dinner we would go to the pre-arranged church and fulfill her wish. And it was all a surprise. 

Awesome plan right? Adorable plan right? I thought so.

So things go according to plans at first, I get to her hometown and do my last second preparations for our dance thing while she is finishing work. We go on our double date and it was fun. Plus the guy who was her friend’s date was so weird and awkward that it made me feel all confident and smooth by comparison. 

Then we go back to her place where I am hoping to finally have some one-on-one time with her. But unfortunately there are a ton of loud boisterous people at her house speaking Spanish (I’m more of a Portuguese type of guy), doing magic tricks, and just generally killing my vibe. At like midnight, she finally suggests we just take off and we end up driving up to a parking lot up on the hill overlooking the city. Think prime make out real estate.

We idly talk for a little bit and just when I’m about to start making things happen, she asks me “Why are we dating?”

Now that is an ominous question, but I was oblivious and totally still planning on kissing her face after I answered it. Anyways, I say “because I like you and want to date you and I am guessing you feel similar?......”. But instead of confirming, she stares out the window and says nothing for a while.

And riiiiiiight about there, I FINALLY realized that a sneak attack smack down was in store for me.

Tags: prank water-thrown trash-can-on-head kicked-into pool

So that happened.

After like an hour of each of us talking in spurts, I just wanted to get the out of there. I felt like a caged animal in her car. But unfortunately there was just a slight problem, one hour earlier, the guy I was staying with had texted me saying not to come back or interrupt for the next few hours because he was having “private time” with his girlfriend haha. I of course had responded to him, “Don’t worry I’ll be out late having private time of my own.” Haha I am such an idiot.

Anyways, I eventually convince Opera to just drop me off at the guy’s place. Where I dutifully sat outside for over an hour waiting for the guy to finish making out (no sense in ruining both of our nights) on the couch I was to sleep on that night haha (its all so funny in hindsight). That same night I purchased the first plane ticket home for the next morning, canceled all the stupid (yet adorable) plans I had made, and flew back home. Within 24 hours, I was back to where I started.

So what happened?

I don’t really know. Does anyone really know why someone breaks up with them or why their relationship reached that point?

Oh sure, the person breaking up with you might give you reasons. Sometimes they might even believe those reasons. It might be 100% clear to them, or maybe they don’t really understand it themselves. Maybe they will come up with reasons that assuage their own feelings. Maybe reasons that assuage your feelings.

Of course, as the person being broken up with, you will think of your own reasons, no matter what the other person tells you. Likely alternating between blaming yourself, the other person, and the other person’s stupid cat who you never got along with (ITS ALL YOUR FAULT MR. MITTENS!).

So I have all kinds of explanations furnished by her and me, but again, I honestly don’t know.

Two things I do know and one thing I suspect: I do know this whole situation sucks. I do know that have no ill feelings toward Opera. And finally I suspect and hope that this is all for the better (even if in the moment it still sucks and I don’t understand it).

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some mopping to do.

Sunday, August 2, 2015

The Long Distance Mitigation Plan

So I came up with a plan. Every other week I fly to Opera or fly her to me (luckily I’m not poor, which is nice). That way we would see each other relatively often and hopefully ease the pain of long distance as much as possible.

We’ve been doing that and I think it’s working. So far I’ve just been flying back and forth every other weekend, although I bought a ticket for her to come visit me in a few weeks. This plan has definitely made my weekends pretty crazy, which has cut into my blogging time. Sorry.

But not sorry, because it has been awesome to hang out with Opera on the weekends and finally be in a relationship again. I think I have thoroughly won over her whole family: her parents, her siblings, her sibling’s spouses, her nieces and nephews, her crazy uncle (we all have one), her cat (even though I’m allergic and secretly hate Mr. Mittens and hope he chokes on a hairball and dies). 

You should all try relationships, they are awesome and I highly recommend it. Or at least the first few months seem to be pretty good haha. And if the blog suffers a little bit, so be it. I am plotting ways for this long distance relationship to just become a normal distance relationship, but that is still months away. Until then I’m content with the current setup.

Recently, I was talking with my colleague about it and she posited that it is a lot harder for non-mormons like herself to have long distance relationships because non-mormons actually sleep together while I’m not having sex with Opera. To which I responded, "yeah, well at least you sometimes get to do it."

burn animated GIF

Okay, it wasn't really a burn. But I just felt like this post could use a gif. Sue me.

Sunday, July 19, 2015

Operation Charm Offensive Part 2

So that was just the first day. The second day was a little more relaxed. A fun filled day with her family, seeing the sights, bowling, going to the movies (while we were at the movies a random family that are friends with Opera’s family came up to all meet and talk to me, and apparently they knew I was coming that weekend and that I would be at the movies at that exact second. Nope. Not creepy at all.) and other wholesome activities. Which was fine, but I kinda itching for some alone time with the girl. I love chaperones as much as the next guy, but at some point you want a little privacy.

My wish was granted briefly right before dinner and we stole away to her bedroom for a few minutes. We sat on the floor facing each other with our legs extended, our shoes touching, joking about some old posters of boy bands on her walls. The conversation quickly took a serious tone as I decided to abandon my previous designs and start jumping the gun.

Jumping the gun

I could not help it any more. I wanted to date her and I made that clear to her. If I remember correctly, I pointed straight at her and said “I want to date …(then pausing briefly for effect before yelling)….YOU!” I like to make sure these type of things are all crystal clear.

pointing animated GIF

Instead of reciprocating my crystal clearness, Opera equivocated and asked if we could wait to discuss that after dinner when we could have more time and privacy. Which I guess is fair. Although I would have preferred her just throwing herself on me and shouting “TAKE ME!” That would have been ideal. That's how imagined it would go. Oh well, I was willing to settle for a “to be continued”.

We had dinner, it was delicious thank you for asking, and then we hopped into her car and drove to a secluded spot overlooking the city, think prime make out real estate. Although I did not expect that to be in the cards. Sigh.

Again we idly chat and laugh for a bit while listening to cheesy old love songs on the radio, both of us avoiding the impending DTR. Eventually she starts by saying that she really likes me but she just is afraid of several things, including:

1)      Long distance: She never wanted to be in a long distance relationship, because they suck. Really, who does want to be in one? But it would be inevitable for us, at least at first.

2)      My career: My chosen career projects to be very intense in the short term. She never wanted to be the wife just waiting around at home for her husband all the time. Which she definitely would be for at least a few years if she ever got married to me.

3)      Level of strictness: She just got off her mission and is still hitting that handbook hard. To the point that her family kept complaining all weekend about how judgmental/uptight she had become. Let’s just say I do not match her uptightness, although I am sure she will mellow out.

4)      Overall comfort level with relationships: Apparently, she worked for a long time at a place that made her hear all kinds of marriage horror stories and so is generally weary of marriage in general. YAY!

So that all sounds bad, but I think everyone has doubts and insecurities when they first start relationships, I think the difference with us is that we are close enough and open enough with each other to actually say them to each other.

When it was my turn I told her that I had fears and doubts too, but I didn’t care, I still wanted to date her. She said she still wanted to date me too. And just like that, boom we were dating.

Honestly, it was a little anti-climatic haha. I thought it was going to be harder, more dramatic than that. I had already started thinking of counter arguments to all her reservations and I was mentally prepared to state my case.

So once we established that we were officially dating, it was time to consummate our union with some physical displays of affection (if you know what I mean, yeah that’s right, I’m talking about a CMO (committal make out)). Truth be told though I was terrified of kissing her. I had never been more scared to kiss a girl. I think it was a combination of what felt to be super high stakes, her recent returned missionary-ness, the feeling in the back of my head that she still wasn’t convinced, and the awkward set up of the car we were in (I swear it felt like she was a mile away). She actually made the first move by grabbing my hand. Besides that though she wasn’t giving me any of the normal signs girls give guys that subtly let the guy know its okay to proceed (you know, like biting their lip while winking at me). Honestly it was like the mission had made her forgot how to girl.

After an embarrassingly long and nerve wracking time I finally went for it, giving her the slight heads up (just in case she was going to freak out) by saying as I leaned in “I want to kiss you”. I was a mess. But I was mess that was finally dating Opera.

Monday, June 22, 2015

Operation Charm Offensive Part 1

So I ended up voicing some of my concerns from the previous post with Opera (the mature thing to do) but in a understated way so it didn't seem like I cared toooo much (less mature). Then I became less and less worried about those specific issues over the next few days. I decided that by overthinking things I would only screw myself over. Besides the whole time she still insisted that I come visit her for Memorial day, so there must be some hope right?  

Anyways, the night of my flight I was fairly freaked out about finally seeing her. I hadn’t see her in two years. What if I'm not attracted to her anymore? What if it is horribly awkward? What if her parents don't like me? What if I am allergic to her cat and I get puffy eyes and the sniffles for my whole trip?  I tried to lower my expectations, but I was really sweating it the whole plane ride over. 

sweat animated GIF

Funny thing though, when I finally see her across the terminal, I was just so happy to see her, I didn’t even think about all the stuff I had been stressing out about during the plane ride over. It was so natural and easy.
We went straight from the airport to dinner with her parents. Why not? WHY THE FREAK NOT? The mom was super nice and we got off to a great start, it was all warm hugs and big smiles. The dad of course was colder/more intimidating. The first story he told was how he got one of his coworkers fired (and probably ruined his career) for what seemed to be a minor offense. Upon finishing the story he laughed a little (the only time he did all night) and then immediately continued to stare intensely at me.


Honestly though he seemed to warm up to me by the end of the dinner (and Opera later confirmed that he is actually a big fan of yours truly). I appeared that the dad mostly liked me because 1) I'm on a very prestigious/lucrative career path and 2) I’m not Opera’s ex-boyfriend who he hated with a vengeance. Parents always love me.
So although I won the parents over, it was a little stressful as they (pretty much just the dad) asked me questions nonstop about my career, my family, my medical history and if I ever worked as a male stripper (answer: only once and it was for a good cause). Like the dude is super-duper opinionated about the most random things.  Answering his questions felt like walking in a mine field, I was always afraid that one of my answers would be one of the things that sets him off. 
After dinner we go to play games at her family’s best friend’s house so I get to meet like 10 more people who question me about my history as member of the Thunder Down Under. Me and all these people I just met and who are obviously sizing me up start playing these ridiculous games where you have to act things out and yell a lot and do all kinds of silly things. Pretty much a dream come true for me.
Then Opera and I go to the local YSA dance because she had promised someone she would stop by. When we get there Opera is instantly bombarded by people wanting to talk with her while I stand there smiling like a fool. I got to meet like literally 5 different guys that she had gone on dates with (I gave them all EXTRA firm handshakes, like I was literally trying to break their hands, and with one really skinny guy I think I succeeded). There was even this one recently engaged girl that would not stop hugging Opera. It was 10 minutes of solid hugging, and then she walked away only to come back 10 minutes later for another 10 minute embrace. Also, absolutely no one was dancing at this thing, just a bunch of standing people while the saddest DJ you've seen worked his heart out. Super weird. 

Anyways the dance ended, or should I say the stand ended :), and we talked in her car for a while, and the night was wrapping up, and I wanted to just reach over and grab her face and kiss it. 

But I didn't.

I didn't want to jump the gun or rush things. Too much downside at that point. Besides, it was only my first night, if I was to be rejected, I would prefer it to be later in the trip so I didn't have 3 whole awkward days to hang out with her and her family.

No, my game plan for the rest of the weekend was to take it slow, nice and easy like.

Sunday, June 7, 2015

Trouble In Paradise

Sorry for being AWOL. Its been a whirlwind month. I had started a post but never finished it, so its a little dated and a lot has happened since I wrote it, but here it is below:

So visiting Opera and her family was Opera's idea. Let's make that very clear. When she first suggested it, I was like, "HAHA are you serious?' and when she confirmed that she was serious I said that its an awesome idea, but are you sure you want our first meeting in 2 years that will honestly make or break our relationship to have the added pressure of me meeting your family and staying with them for 3 days straight?

She said of course she is sure and not to worry about it. And so I didn't worry about it. At least until a few days later, when I asked again if she was still sure. I even suggested that we could always meet in a more casual and less pressured situation (like literally any other situation, like maybe in Iraq or in a shark tank for example). Again, she assured me that everything was fine.

So I tried not to worry about it leading up to the actual event, I really did. But I did ask a few more times leading up to the weekend. Then I bought my plane ticket, stopped asking and went on my merry way. We continued talking for hours every night and planning our future together and it was great.
About a week before Memorial day we were skyping and things took a hard left. Hard left. She started the conversation by very casually talking about how anti-relationship she is at this point of her life and how she's dreading ever seriously dating someone or can't imagine getting married And I was like:
Seriously, I was thinking: you wanted me to go home with you for memorial day weekend, you want to talk on the phone every night, you always are complaining that I live so far away, you can't stop talking about stuff we would do if we were dating. It just doesn't compute.
But no, she tells me that night she has horrible commitment issues. Not only that, but she never thought I would actually come and visit her for freaking Memorial day weekend. She is scared and worried about me coming to visit. Even though I asked her if she was sure on a dozen separate occasions and gave her a ton of chances to back off the invite before I took it seriously.
Honestly the biggest shock is that I had thought I was in control of the situation. I thought she was practically in love with me and on-board to start dating right away while I was the one pumping the brakes. Instead, all of a sudden she is the one that needs convincing and needs to be won over. 

And the craziest thing is I have a sudden urge to convince her! A minute ago I wasn't 100% sure about the relationship and now I'm sure and need get her to 100% sure, all because she isn't 100% sure. Its ridiculous how in modern dating (and maybe also in the late Bronze Age dating) who ever cares less has the power. I thought I had all the power, it turns out she actually has all the power. really I'm getting a taste of my own medicine and I don't like tasting my own medicine, it doesn't taste good at all. It tastes like sadness and disappointment. I both want her more and resent her for flipping things on me.
The worst part is that now I'm starting to doubt myself.  Should I start playing mind games with her? Do I need to start playing harder to get, regain some of the power and put her back on the defensive to keep her interested? Should I be open and tell her all this stuff I'm telling the internet right now or do I just play it cool?
All our interactions were so natural and easy up this point, but now its gone back to the crap that goes on with every other girl I've been interested in.

I thought everything was going so smoothly, I must have missed something at some point.

Are These The 43 Funniest GIFs Of All Time?


Sunday, May 3, 2015

It's About To Go Down

Good news friends! After almost 2 years and several unforeseen circumstances and obstacles messing up all our plans, Opera and I will be finally meeting in person this memorial day. FACE TO FACE Y'ALL.

It's About to Go Down

I will be spending the long weekend at her hometown with her whole family (mom, dad, brothers, sisters, brother-in-laws, sister-in-laws, nieces, nephews, normal uncles, crazy uncles, aunts, cousins, grandparents, pets, everybody). It will probably make or break the entire relationship. No big deal.

Now if you excuse me, I'm going to stop thinking about it so as to not freak myself out.

Sunday, April 19, 2015

Attractiveness Or How Some Polynesian Tribes May Like Them Big

So things are going well with Opera. We've been talking every night and its going great.
If I am going to be totally honest though. There is one thing that still worries me about this whole situation.


I just don’t know if I’ll still be attracted to Opera. Like I've obviously seen pictures of her and Skyped with her since she’s been back, but you can never really tell you until are face to face, pheromone to pheromone.

It should be known that I do feel very bad that I am so concerned about appearance. I really do feel bad. I really do wish I didn't care what a girl looked like or what her body type is. But the unfortunate truth is I do care.

And people will say that because I like girls that look a certain way that I have been brainwashed by the modern media, and that 100 years ago people found real women with real curves attractive, and that in some Polynesian tribes being overweight is still actually considered to be pretty freaking hot. 

All that may very well be true, but it doesn't change crap. The die has been cast, at this point I like what I like.

Here’s the thing though. I understand girls have image and body issues, and I am sympathetic to that and I do believe it is a serious issue. Boys (even myself included (just a little bit)) also have these issues, if only to a lesser degree. But the thing is, girls are thinking about it all wrong.

I’ll let you in on a little secret: Every guys defines “attractive” different.

I've had roommates be smitten by girls that I was absolutely not attracted to. Likewise I've considered girls to be attractive that some of my roommates did not find attractive at all. Our tastes and opinions when it came to physical appearance of girls were all over the board.

So why does that even matter? A million sit-ups, better lips, better hair, or anything else you could stress out about concerning your physical appearance will not make every guy find you attractive. You are never going to please everyone. You just aren't. Perfection does not exist.

Everyone would do better to focus less on that fact that someone somewhere probably finds them unattractive and more on finding the people that do appreciate their appearance.

You may not be able to get rid your big ol’ (insert body part here) you hate, but chances are there are guys that either like them or at least don’t care (now whether you find those guys attractive is a different issue). I genuinely believe that there is someone for basically everyone – attraction wise.

Yes there are things you can do that will increase the percentage of people that find you attractive (being in shape, dressing nice, having a hair-lip, etc). Maybe “Skinny” girls might get more dates than others or whatever, but to say only skinny girls get dates is simply not true.

Also to say guys only care about physical appearance when it comes to attraction is also completely untrue. I have been friends with some gorgeous paid model type girls that I never desired to ask out. Personally, a girl's intellect, vitality, sense of humor, kindness and Bō staff skills all play a big part into how attracted I am in her (and if you think I'm joking about the Bō staff, you've never seen a real woman work a traditional rokushakubō) . But again it’s the sad truth that intellect and vitality are only going to get me part of the way there (at the beginning) and I have to be attracted to her. I want to want to drawn near to her, and want to touch her, and want to kiss her.

When she walks by I want to be like:

Damn Girl

Is that too much to ask for? I think not. I hope not, because that is exactly what I’m asking for here with Opera.

I know people get old and fat, I know people have kids and health issues. Beauty fades and beauty is only skin deep and all those other truisms. But I need a spark, something to get the flame of love started.

Sunday, March 29, 2015

Weekend Update

Update on the Opera situation

The Plan: So before Opera came home and before those wily "emotions" and "feelings" could took over my rational brain, I decided come up with a logically sound game plan for how to deal with Opera. The core components of this plan were as follows:

  • Do not initiate communication with her for the first two weeks that she is back. Let her adjust and catch up with her family.
  • When I do start communicating with her, I need to go slow and keep things casual and friendly (e.g. don't talk with her too frequently or for too long of a duration each time). Let it organically build back into something romantic. This will reduce any perceived pressure to quickly get serious or connect romantically; thereby keeping her (and me) from being scared off prematurely. Plus, I don't want to come off as desperate. Plus plus, I also don't want it all to come together too easily (people hate easy), there has to be some doubt and work to keep her interested.
  • Put off seeing her in person for at least a month, preferably longer. Don't get me wrong, I wanted to see her immediately. But because at this point we live far away from one another, our first time seeing each other will likely make or break the whole thing. No one is going to continue to put energy into a long distance relationship they are not feeling and first impressions (of first impressions after 1.5 years) are key. The longer it takes to meet in person, the more time she'll have to become normal and the more time I will have to win her over with my charm in low risk situations.
Basically the idea is that this initial rekindling stage of our relationship is a particularly delicate period and the downside of rushing into things is much greater than the upside of rushing things. 

Make sense? Of course it does, it was made with the logical part of my brain.

What actually happened: Less than a week after touchdown back in the ole US of A, Opera totally unexpectedly pinged me on Gchat. And all of a sudden my heart was like, "Do I go crazy now? You know what? I'm just going to go ahead and declare a RED ALERT and start beating freaking crazy now"

wolf of wall street animated GIF

So we chatted for a while, exchanging pleasantries, giving brief updates, and planning to talk over the phone the next night (her idea). And you know what, that whole time I couldn't stop smiling like a gosh darn fool. Like I literally realized I was smiling, gave myself a stern look in the mirror, told myself to keep my cool, and then instantly and involuntarily went back to smiling.

Next night, she gives me a call. Again my cardiovascular system goes on red alert as soon as I saw her name pop up on my phone. But unexpected things two things happened (or didn't happen. 1) After a few minutes of talking, I actually stopped being nervous. 2) It was never awkward. I was sure it was going to eventually get awkward or bumpy or something. Instead it felt like we were picking up right where we had left it almost 2 years ago. Super unexpected. Super awesome. 

After a few hours of talking I was still worried it couldn't last and decided to wrap up the call before it could go south. Before we said goodnight though we scheduled another call for today (again her instigating).  So today we talk for 4 hours and it was magical. We even started completing each other sandwiches. The only bad part was her complaining to me that three different guys had already asked her out. THREE! Shes been home less than 2 weeks! Who are these jokers? I laughed and joked it off over the phone, but my inner Darla was all like:

angry animated GIF

Needless to say, my plan is working perfectly muhaha. No really its going to crap. The rational part of my brain still wants me to stick to The Plan. The other part of my brain wants to go with whatever plan Opera seems to be executing. I guess we'll see who wins.

Sunday, March 15, 2015

The Second Coming Of Opera

Do you guys remember my old flame Opera? No? Well here is a quick summary:

Well guess what! She’s coming back THIS FREAKING WEEK!!!!! 

Ask me if I have written her faithfully? Why yes, yes I have. Ask me if we have basically given each other verbal promise rings? False, I sent her a real promise ring I forged myself out of the purest pig iron.

Okay so no rings were exchanged. Actually the letters we've exchanged were mostly of the friendly variety with a few romantic sprinkles thrown in for good measure. Like semi-vague plans have been made for stuff we are going to do together once she gets home, but nothing definite.

How do I feel about her coming home?

Somewhere between this:

 excited animated GIF

And this:

nervous animated GIF

Like I am super excited, but also out of mind nervous. I don’t know the best way to proceed.

Some of the thoughts currently racing through my head:
  • People are super weird when they get home from their missions. Linguistically they can’t speak English straight, socially they can't interact with the opposite gender, spiritually they can be crazy strict, emotionally they are in who knows what state.
  • I don’t want to just start dating her right away, I want her to experience the dating world/other guys before actually deciding on me. Does that make sense? I feel like she is ready to jump into a relationship with me, but who knows if she'll have second thoughts down the road if she does act so quickly? Although at the same time maybe I would be jealous if she does go out with other guys.
  • I likewise don't want to commit to her too quickly. Not saying I am afraid committing in general, I’m not one of those guys that won’t commit. I just know people change, and its been almost 2 years. I was super into her before she left. I don't think I have ever had such a deep instant electric connection with anyone else. But I am afraid things have changed. Maybe our conversations will be awkward now, maybe I’m not attracted to her as much any more, maybe we are not equally yoked spiritually.
  • We live far apart and I am crazy busy at the moment. So I am incapable of visiting her on a regular basis. So not sure how that is going to play out. 
Wish me luck!

Sunday, March 1, 2015

Grand Gestures

This past Valentines day I once again gave thanks for being single and not having to come up with some fantastically romantic plan. Listening to some of my roommates and colleagues it seems like such a stress, and therefore not romantic at all. I've recently started thinking about GRAND GESTURES in general. I feel like girls have been conditioned to want these grand gestures from their men. These fantastical, elaborate, and costly experiences meticulously planned by the guy to show his true love or some BS like that. Shows like the Bachelor where every date is a grand affair or chick flicks like the The Notebook have set some ridiculous standards.

The reason I didn't like The Notebook (not to mention the main character's blatant unfaithfulness to her fiance) is how bat-shiz crazy Ryan Gosling's character is (remember when Gosling was the nerd in Remember the Titans? Man have times changed). There is a scene where he jumps on a Ferris wheel and straight up risks his life to get her to go on a date with him. Are you serious? Is that really what girls want? Suicidal guys that would rather die than not go on a date with you?

frustrated animated GIF

Although I have to admit I did think it was funny when he tells her "don't do me any favors (Oh Ryan, you get me every time *little girl giggles*). I also like their first date activity of laying in the middle of freaking the street. Screw holding a girl's door open for her on the first date, if you really want to make a girl fall for you just do insane, legitimately dangerous things. #ThingsILearnedFromWatchingTheNotebook

Another example from the real lifes:

First of all, if a man wants to take his wife on a surprise trip to Europe, great for them. What is stupid  is videoing it and posting on Facebook and YouTube. Its like, are you doing this cuz you love your wife or because you want a million views and to brag about how good of a husband you are?

The worst part was the comments on Facebook, so many wives tagging their husbands saying "why can't you do this for me" or guys commenting that they wished they had the money to do the same. It was disgusting. This video is an extreme example, but just the practice of posting on Facebook every romantic thing your significant other does for you or you do for your significant other seems to cheapen it all (and no I'm not just a bitter single person, what does that have anything to do with it?).

Unless you do something this amazing, then you are obligated to share it with the whole world:

Monday, February 16, 2015

Other People's Relationships Part 2

So I went to FHE last Monday and the first thing I do is walk straight up to Harry and give him a good shaking.
Get a hold of yourself! (The trick is the hand placement and the intensity of the shaking, you want to make their head whip back and forth just enough to rattle their brain and make them come to their senses, but not enough to leave them mentally impaired)
Okay I didn't do that (although that's not to say I don't think it would be effective). Instead, I wait until after FHE ends to corner him in privacy and start my intervention (I wanted to bring a big banner that said "Intervention" but sadly did not have time).
Our conversation:
Me: So what is going on with you and Xena, seems like you have been spending a lot of time together?
Harry: Yeah I really like her, but we are just friends at this point
Me: So have you made any moves yet? like have you kissed her? (at this point I smile and raise my hand as if to give him a high five)
Harry: No. A little cuddling, but that's it. (I stop smiling and lower my hand)
Me: So you sat close to her during a movie once or twice?
Harry: Pretty much haha
Me: Okay man, what do you want out of all this? Do you really just want to be friends?
Harry: No I want to date her
Me: Have you had a DTR?
Harry: Kinda, but not really. I've tried to bring it up but she just says that she really likes hanging out with me and then changes the subject
Me: Dude, you HAVE to make a move or something. Either try to kiss her or have a serious DTR where you make it clear you want to date and not just be friends. Serioulsy just from my perspective as an objective 3rd party, you have to change the status quo. You guys have been hanging out non stop for like 3 months with her never letting things progress. Prolonging things further will not help at all.
You know what, he seemed really receptive to my counsel. I think inspired him to act. Showed him the light you could say.
Next day, I see him at Institute and he tells me that "it is finished" (which I couldn't help but giggle at), I ask what that means and he says he spoke his mind and that him and Xena are done.

At that moment, I was so proud of him I gave him the same look that Gandalf gave Frodo at the end of the Lord of the Rings:
proud animated GIF
So proud

Fast forward to this weekend at our ward party. And I see him and Xena together and talking and laughing it up the whole time.

reaction animated GIF


So I of course do what any good friend would do.


I didn't get a chance to really talk to him  (or slap him really hard in the face) but I did catch him for a second and asked what gives. He just said she became more flirty once he stopped talking to her and he couldn't help himself.

make it stop animated GIF

So he's screwed. Sooo screwed.

That man is sick in the head. He can't give it up! He is holding on to that hope she keeps feeding him. Those words she knows he wants to hear. Hope can be a great inspirational thing or it can be a horrible debilitating thing.

At the same time, I can't help but respect Harry. You know what I mean? He knows what he wants and he's willing to suffer for it, lose all self respect for it, pay for its meals on platonic dates, always be there for it, help it do anything it needs. Maybe I wish I could be so committed and reckless. He is making a leap of faith. Can you blame him? He obviously feels like its worth giving it a shot, even if it is a long shot.

And maybe, just maybe Xena will see how much he cares about her and fall for him........

....yeah that's never going to happen. What will happen is one of three things. 1) Harry reaches a breaking point 2) Xena finally feels bad enough to release him or 3) Xena becomes interested in a guy and things end when she starts dating the new fellow.

If I had to guess, its probably #3. Harry doesn't show any signs of breaking and Xena I am sure if I asked her would say that she is "confused". When girls say that they are "confused" in a scenario like this, what they really mean is: I'm not romantically interested in him, but I really like all the benefits of having him around, and I feel like I should like him because of how nice he is to me, so I will keep giving him enough hope so he won't give up, even though I know if its killing him. Then the girl can feel like she is also a victim because its not pleasant feeling to be confused. And because in her mind she is a victim inflicted with confusion, her actions are more justifiable.

I've seen it too many times. Its a dangerous dating world out there, a moment of silence for our fallen comrades.

Sunday, February 8, 2015

Other People's Relationships

Since there is currently nothing going on in my own love life, I have found that I am much more interested in other people's love lives that I normally would be (maybe this is what married people feel like and why they are always trying to set me up on dates.)

One relationship I am currently emotionally invested in involves 2 of my friends from the ward.

Let's call the girl Xena, just because. I've personally never really been attracted to Xena (the girl in my ward, not the warrior princess), but I can see how people would find her attractive. Besides her personality is definitely not my cup of tea, so I've never been interested in her. She has been very flirty with me on occasion, but that's just how she is.

(Those bangs)

The guy, lets call him Harry, just because I recently read a lot JK Rowling tweets. Anyways, he's a really smart, sociable guy with a great job. Maybe a little nerdy/goofy and not really what you would call a physical specimen so to speak, more on the average/soft side appearance wise. I don't know him super well, but I really like him from our limited interactions.


So about 2 months ago I heard that Xena had a new make-out buddy, but I didn't think twice about it or dig to find out who it was. Then a few weeks ago I started to notice that Xena and Harry were always with each other. I put two and two together and determined that Harry is the mystery make-out buddy. And my first thought was, "Nice job Harry!", my second thought was something about bananas, my third thought was "I would have never would have guessed those two would hook up". I thought Xena was a little too shallow to go for him, but I just figured Harry must be smoother than I thought. HARRY'S GOT GAME Y'ALL.

Turns out I was wrong (and right). Harry is not Xena's make-out buddy as I thought (so I was wrong there), some other guy who is not nearly as smart, but who incidentally is much more muscular is the make-out buddy (so I was right about the shallow thing). The worst part is that Harry does really really like Xena. And has been going with her everywhere the last 2 months. Talking with her late into the night (well when she's not snogging with the other guy). Going shopping with her. Taking care of her when she's sick. Spending all weekend helping her move.

Man down! Man down! This is a level 5 friend zoning and I can't just stand idly by. I have to do something! I'll save you Harry!


No but really I am having a man to man conversation with Harry the next chance I get. He's going to learn today! (or actually probably tomorrow at FHE cuz it pretty freaking late tonight)

Sunday, January 25, 2015

My Elders Quorum

Today we were having a lovely, just lovely Elder's Quorum lesson. It was really making me think deeply on how I could improve as a person. At one point one of my fellow brethren makes an analogy about how we would feel if some one only blatantly lied to us and tried to deceive us, at which point a guy in the back of the room says,"I know how that feels, I was married to someone exactly like that."

Conan Discomfort

Not going to lie, it was a little uncomfortable.

In other news, it seems that more and more awesome guys are moving into our ward. To the point where I feel like the female side is seriously lagging behind. Like I always thought (despite a few weirdos) that there was a lot of awesome guys in our ward, but just more and more keep coming. So many seem to be attractive, smart, athletic, spiritual, personable, well-employed dudes. This isn't just me thinking that all my friends are awesome. I have never been in a ward before where I thought one gender sorely outmatched the other, but I definitely think so with my current ward. Its great for EQ activities and lessons, not so good for all of us getting married. 

Sunday, January 11, 2015

Snacks During Church

So I was sitting in sacrament meeting today, minding my own business, trying to listen to the speaker, when I get distracted by the dear brother right in front of me.

You when you get hungry during church and you pull out a little ziplock bag of cheerios or something, and you have this little adorable snack in the middle of church like you did when you were a toddler. Yeah this guy was doing something like that, but instead of cheerios, he was eating this scab off the back of his neck. Like for 30 minutes straight he was picking at his big ole scab and then eating. Over and over again, hand to neck to mouth, hand to neck to mouth. He wasn't even trying to be discreet about it. He was in the zone, just going to town on that thing. Meanwhile, I was looking around trying to get some affirmation from anybody else that I was not imagining things. Kinda like this little girl:

Cheezburger animated GIF

You know what though? Something interesting happened. I was sitting there and my tummy started rumbling and I realized that I hadn't had anything to eat all day. This guy is probably really hungry too. Not only that, but the talk I was listening to was actually about not judging others. So who I am to judge his choice of snacks?!? Especially when he appeared to be enjoying it so dang much.

File:Rainbow Chicken Dance Man.gif

As I watched him get close to eating the whole thing (I COULDN'T STOP WATCHING) and had just a little bit of scab to go, I had two thoughts. First, that I should start cheering him on to finish like the fat kid in the movie Matilda that had to eat the chocolate cake. Second, that if I wanted a taste of what he was having, my chance was quickly slipping away

Needless to say, a very special people inhabit these singles wards and some people are single for a reason.

Also this gif has nothing to do with what happened, but I love it too much not to share:

Sunday, January 4, 2015

Should Mormons Have Arranged Marriages?

I have made a lot of Indian (from India, not Native Americans ya racist jerks) friends in my new Post-Provo life. One Indian guy mentioned to me that his family wants to arrange his marriage to an Indian girl(which sucks cuz apparently he only likes white girls (which in turn sucks cuz he's a super nerdy scrawny Indian guy that has been shot down by every white girl he has ever approached)). I of course was fascinated by the whole thing and asked him a ton of questions.

Apparently these days a lot of Indians practice a more liberal form of arranged marriage than we probably think of. The parents/families have a ton of input and do a lot of the work, but both the boy and girl have veto power. Basically the two families do the dating. They do the finding, they make sure each party has the proper credentials (apparently they look at the guys' resumes haha), values, personality they are looking for. And once the family finds another suitable family, then the single people are brought together. So its not a forced marriage, its just a lot of the work is done for you.

Now my question is, if that is really how it is, is that so bad?

Doing so more research, I found a study that concluded "choice marriages experienced a lot of initial passion and little compassion thereafter while arranged marriages experienced no initial passion but increasing compassion as the years went on. Moreover, arranged marriage couples were nearly twice as compassionate than choice marriage couples ten years post marriage"

Look! A blurry chart!

Well I don't know about you, but I think that makes a pretty convincing argument for arranging things (although this study was done by Indians, so you know, bias).

Another conclusion of the study was that regardless of marriage type, people that were married were on average WAY more happy than single people (well that's a slap to the face). The final conclusion of the study was that Mormon bloggers of the male variety between the ages of 20 and 30 are the least happy of all (OK, they are just trying to hurt my feelings now!).

For the record I am as happy as Lark!

Here, have a lark.
Honestly, larks are not as happy looking as I imagined. Maybe its all in the inside?

Ok, so I made up that last conclusion. The fact remains that arranged marriages supposedly are more happy in the long run than "Love marriages". It is said that arranged marriages look for reasons to make it work while Love marriages look for reasons for it not to work. In arranged marriages, you always have your parents to blame instead of your spouse. A built-in scapegoat for all your martial problems, a common enemy to hate.

Besides, while I often feel (especially at BYU) that some people struggle with the paradox of choice with dating. Too many options can lead people not being able to choose at all and therefore end up being unhappy. Too many dating options may be a bad thing, too much pressure to find "The One" (Yeah man, that girl was awesome, but there might be an even awesomer girl out there! You know Bro?). Maybe people need fewer, more curated options.

It actually is a little surprising that Mormons don't utilize arranged marriages. Many religious tight-knit communities that value marriage and families do practice it to some extent (Hindus, Muslims, orthodox Jews). I think it could be especially beneficial for the mid-single adults, those that have less dating options and have maybe gotten sick of dating.

There are however a few obstacles that would have to be overcome:

Expectations - Many people, even in the most dire of dating circumstances, still expect to find a perfect person that will have a whirlwind romance with them filled with passion (Good luck with that!). I get the feeling people getting an arranged marriage have different expectations.

Faith in parents - Most people would cringe at the idea of their parents setting them up on just a blind date. My Indian friend generally believed that his parents knew him best and knew best what kind of girl would make him the most happy. I asked my mom what she would look for in girls if she had to choose my wife and she literally said (despite me pressing her to be more selective) her only criteria would be the girl had to be a faithful member and had to want a family. So basically any active Mormon girl.

Parents putting in the work - It sounds like my Indian friend's parents put a ton of time and effort in vetting candidates and setting things up, I don't know if everyone's parents are up to the task.

Speed of the relationship - Mormons are known for acting fast, but this is on a whole different level. Usually the boy and girl only have a few meeting to decide if they will veto it and then its the wedding.

Still, I wonder how many single Mormons would be open to the whole arranged marriage thing. I'm definitely not there yet, although my dad did recently inform me that he has already worked out an arranged marriage between myself and his best friend's daughter. Like allegedly they talk about it all the time. I know the girl, and while I don't want to marry her, it really wouldn't be the worst thing in the world.