Sunday, June 7, 2015

Trouble In Paradise

Sorry for being AWOL. Its been a whirlwind month. I had started a post but never finished it, so its a little dated and a lot has happened since I wrote it, but here it is below:

So visiting Opera and her family was Opera's idea. Let's make that very clear. When she first suggested it, I was like, "HAHA are you serious?' and when she confirmed that she was serious I said that its an awesome idea, but are you sure you want our first meeting in 2 years that will honestly make or break our relationship to have the added pressure of me meeting your family and staying with them for 3 days straight?

She said of course she is sure and not to worry about it. And so I didn't worry about it. At least until a few days later, when I asked again if she was still sure. I even suggested that we could always meet in a more casual and less pressured situation (like literally any other situation, like maybe in Iraq or in a shark tank for example). Again, she assured me that everything was fine.

So I tried not to worry about it leading up to the actual event, I really did. But I did ask a few more times leading up to the weekend. Then I bought my plane ticket, stopped asking and went on my merry way. We continued talking for hours every night and planning our future together and it was great.
About a week before Memorial day we were skyping and things took a hard left. Hard left. She started the conversation by very casually talking about how anti-relationship she is at this point of her life and how she's dreading ever seriously dating someone or can't imagine getting married And I was like:
Seriously, I was thinking: you wanted me to go home with you for memorial day weekend, you want to talk on the phone every night, you always are complaining that I live so far away, you can't stop talking about stuff we would do if we were dating. It just doesn't compute.
But no, she tells me that night she has horrible commitment issues. Not only that, but she never thought I would actually come and visit her for freaking Memorial day weekend. She is scared and worried about me coming to visit. Even though I asked her if she was sure on a dozen separate occasions and gave her a ton of chances to back off the invite before I took it seriously.
Honestly the biggest shock is that I had thought I was in control of the situation. I thought she was practically in love with me and on-board to start dating right away while I was the one pumping the brakes. Instead, all of a sudden she is the one that needs convincing and needs to be won over. 

And the craziest thing is I have a sudden urge to convince her! A minute ago I wasn't 100% sure about the relationship and now I'm sure and need get her to 100% sure, all because she isn't 100% sure. Its ridiculous how in modern dating (and maybe also in the late Bronze Age dating) who ever cares less has the power. I thought I had all the power, it turns out she actually has all the power. really I'm getting a taste of my own medicine and I don't like tasting my own medicine, it doesn't taste good at all. It tastes like sadness and disappointment. I both want her more and resent her for flipping things on me.
The worst part is that now I'm starting to doubt myself.  Should I start playing mind games with her? Do I need to start playing harder to get, regain some of the power and put her back on the defensive to keep her interested? Should I be open and tell her all this stuff I'm telling the internet right now or do I just play it cool?
All our interactions were so natural and easy up this point, but now its gone back to the crap that goes on with every other girl I've been interested in.

I thought everything was going so smoothly, I must have missed something at some point.

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1 comment:

Elizabeth Downie said...

Confusing. Dating is the worst.